Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.

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Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. CafeSpike.com proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.

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David Cameron ‘not well’ following haggis binge

PM looking like he's really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

PM looking like he’s really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

Unreliable sources told us today that PM David Cameron has been taken ill following a day of binge eating on the campaign trail which saw him eat a fried egg, some haggis and a hot dog. (Which he ate with a knife and fork because he’s dead posh.) Our source revealed that Mr Cameron collapsed with stomach cramps at Number Ten whilst watching Thunderbirds on catch-up TV.

Whether or not Samantha flew into a blind panic and called an ambulance has yet to be established.

“She probably did though,” said our political correspondent Jeremy Stubbs. “I mean I would have. It’s a dodgy combination, fried egg, haggis and a hot dog. If I’d scoffed that little lot I’d be stuck on the toilet until at least News at Ten, and I don’t see why the PM should be any different. It isn’t like he’s Superman or something.”

Here at Café Spike we quite like haggis, but we aren’t all that convinced it’s a good idea combining it with fried egg and a hot dog. We reckon Mr Cameron was just pretending to enjoy these food items in an attempt to connect with the man in the street, and that under normal circumstances he wouldn’t touch grub like this with a bargepole.

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

“I don’t trust him either,” said Jeremy Stubbs (who is also an accomplished mind reader.) “As far as I’m concerned he’s a massive flop, and no amount of hot doggery or haggis chomping will convince me otherwise. He’s done nothing but tell lies and witter on about nothing since he moved into Downing Street. He’s just a posh git who wants to give the most vulnerable people in our society a bloody good kicking. Along with his psychopathic mate – Iain Duncan Smith. I don’t wish him any harm but I really do hope he has the screaming shits all night and that his huge forehead collapses in on itself.”

Coming next – a story which might actually have a grain of truth in it.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock with Jeremy Stubbs

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Nutty Nigel sinking fast as UKIP support plummets

GE 2015 008Our old friend Nutty Nigel Fromage appears to be having a spot of bother lately as support for UKIP appears to be shrinking fast. Of course, you either love or loathe Nutty Nigel and his band of swivel-eyed loons – it really isn’t all that long ago since the kippers predicted a UKIP landslide and Nutty Nigel as the next Prime Minister, but all that appears to be changing.

In all honesty we aren’t all that fond of Nigel and his mates, and we base this on the fact that his sole argument on any topic remotely political appears to be to blame immigration, which quite frankly is just plain daft to all but the terminally muddle-headed. He blames immigrants for the NHS situation when the reality is that the NHS wouldn’t be able to function without immigrant staff, and he even blames them for traffic congestion on the M4.

(It’s possible his M4 remarks were made in jest, but you can never really tell with Nigel.)

Nige was particularly disappointing on last week’s leaders’ debate, goofing around, pulling faces and not really saying anything constructive. Somehow everything seems to be an effect of immigration, no matter how tenuous the link.

Maybe the great British public have finally wised up to the weasel, and he’s about to go ‘pop.’ As weasels do, at least according to the nursery rhyme. The reality is that Nigel is no peoples’ champion. He’s just another public school educated career politician, a former city commodities broker who’s been drawing a salary from the very organisation he purports to detest.

Now it doesn’t seem so cut and dried that he’ll romp to victory in the Thanet South seat in the general election, although it remains to be seen if he loses whether he’ll actually stand down as UKIP leader. In a way we’ll be sad to see him go because the bloke is pure comedy gold, but one positive outcome of his sinking back into obscurity will be that perhaps all the deluded kippers who stalk the comments sections of the online press, particularly the Mail and the Express will finally pipe down and go back to their Sudoku puzzles.

We don’t have a vote in Thanet South, but if we did we’d probably vote for Al Murray’s FUKP because the pub landlord promises that if FUKP win he’ll reduce the price of a pint to a penny.

Which is about as believable as any of Nutty Nigel’s promises.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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