Thousands March In Protest Against Protest Marches

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Thousands took to the streets of London today to march in protest against protest marches.

“We’re getting to be as daft as the French,” protester Albert Trundle explained. “They take to the streets at the drop of a hat and now we seem to be following suit. I’m sick to death of protest marches, which is why I’m marching here today. I want them banned for the simple reason that they serve no purpose whatsoever.”

The march set off from Trafalgar Square and culminated in a mass rally at Parliament Square where the assembled crowd was addressed by a number of speakers, including 80’s pop music ensemble Bananarama, Timmy Mallet, Christopher Biggins and actress Nicole Kidman.

“I don’t know why I’m here really,” Ms Kidman announced to the crowd. “Although I am totally committed to the cause, it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. I don’t even live here.”

More as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock for


Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for


UKIP Plan to reintroduce steam engines, rickets and head lice

Here's a steam train we cleaned up earlier.

Here’s a steam train we cleaned up earlier.

Sources are reporting that in a bid to assuage disgruntled Brexit supporters who were expecting a 21st century re-enactment of Kristallnacht and a Stalinesque purge, UKIP will be campaigning to reintroduce steam engines on British railways, and throw in rickets and head lice for the kiddies as an added bonus.

“This is great, the best news I’ve heard in decades,” said Daily Express comments section veteran NotaNaziReally. “It’ll be just like the glorious 50’s and 60’s before the moose limb invasion and will certainly put the Great back in Britain. We”l have proper trains again – where the driver and fireman shit on the same shovel they cook their breakfast bacon and eggs on and bandy legged kids all over the place scratching their heads like men possessed. I can’t wait!”

But the plans haven’t exactly been met with unanimous approval.

“I was never keen on steam trains, or rickets, diphtheria, scurvy or any of that stuff,” said veteran journalist Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers from Nottingham. “I lived near the main line as a nipper and the passing trains used to shake the bones of the house, as well as spew out sparks and soot and all manner of filth. And there were nowt nostalgic baht my childhood – none of us kids ever had enough to eat and we were all forever poorly. Why anyone would ever want to go back to them days is beyond me. Mind you, I were younger then, and a bit more sprightly than I am now, but that’s abaht it really.”

“Ha! This Inchcock character sounds like a proper PC cultural Marxist lefty traitor to me,” retorted NotANaziReally. “I’d be willing to bet he voted to remain in the EU along with his fellow Trotskyite Marxist EUSSR shills. Some people really don’t think these things through…”

More when Nelson gets his eye back.

Cafe Spike dot com


Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.


Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.



Stuff Your Referendum – Says Local Man

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

Local man and part-time website editor Martin Shuttlecock told both Brexit and Remain campaigners to: “Stuff your referendum up your khyber.”

The astonishing outburst occurred as canvassers simultaneously turned up at Shuttlecock’s front door brandishing leaflets and all manner of scare stories and worst case scenarios .

“I’m not interested in any of it any more,” he said later. “I’m damn well sick to the back teeth of the lot of it. It doesn’t matter which way you vote because you just can’t win. Cameron and Osborne spearheading the remain camp and Boris, Farage and Duncan Smith doing the Brexit thing…

“They’re all lying sadistic butchers. How can anyone believe any of them?

“It’s like being offered a choice between hanging and the electric chair.

“I won’t even bother to vote – I’m just going to get a few beers in instead and binge-watch a box set of ‘Walking Dead’ to cheer myself up.”

The referendum will be held on 23rd June.

UKIP supporters will self destruct as soon as the result is announced.

Paddy Berzinski


Nigel Farage is a fetishist who wears his wife’s lingerie

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife's panties.

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife’s panties.

He may look like a bullfrog with his big mouth and his patronisingly idiotic grin but there’s more to UKIP leader Nigel Farage than meets the eye, for underneath those daft suits, velvet collared crombie coats and mustard coloured corduroy trousers (hence the term “Mustard Pants”) Nigel Farage hides a dirty secret.

For underneath that thin veneer of city gent respectability, Nigel Farage is wearing his wife’s knickers, suspender belt and black fishnet stockings.

So says Theresa Florentine, a freelance journalist from Aston, who claims Farage admitted his kinky secret during a drinking binge in a Brussels gay bar, just a stone’s throw away from the EU Headquarters where Farage – who claims to understand the fishing business – can hardly ever be arsed to attend policy setting meetings on behalf of the brave members of Britain’s fishing fleet.

When pressed further, Ms Florentine stated categorically that it was “without any shadow of a doubt” Nigel Farage who made the stunning confession.

“He was as pissed as a fart and he just blurted it out,” she said. “At least I think it was Nigel Farage – it could have been anybody really because I was a bit plastered myslef – but sod it. There’s been so much scaremongering and bullshit flying around over this referendum bollocks that I thought the British public deserve to know what Nigel Farage is really like. If it wasn’t him I apologise unreservedly, but let’s face it – the man’s a cunt anyway. All he ever does is prey on people’s fears by demonising migrants. Where’s your tax return then Nigel, you mustard panted prick? Eh? Eh?”

At which point we terminated the interview as Ms Florentine collapsed in a heap and banged her head on a table.

Cafe Spike – bringing you the true face of this bollocks referendum.

Whose round is it?

More as we get it.



Is This The End For UKIP?

A thick twat applauding his own downfall.

A thick twat applauding his own downfall.

With faltering finances and a leader who has been brushed aside by more experienced political heavyweights in the Brexit campaign the only conclusion to be reached is that the UKIP bubble has finally and irrevocably burst, which is a shame really, because although the party supporters are little better than knuckle-dragging Neanderthals the leader of the comedy cult also known as UKIP is pure comedy gold.

Even UKIP itself appears to have admitted defeat, stating that they would probably rebrand themselves as an online pressure group, like…erm…Britain First?

Whatever they decide, we here at Cafe Spike hope they don’t fade away into total oblivion, because it’s fun taking the piss out of Nutty Nigel and his cronies, and it was fun winding up the cerebrally challenged moronic denizens of the Daily Express website comment sections. And it’s hilarious that so many UKIP die-hards are already complaining that the referendum will be fixed, rather than simply admit defeat with a degree of good grace.

It’s worth remembering that immediately prior to the 2015 GE the Fillets were crowing from the rooftops genuinely thinking that their comedy cult would at the very least be instrumental in forming a coalition government, only to end up with one solitary MP who didn’t seem to get along at all well with the leadership. It’ll be interesting to see the Fillets squirm and hear them bleat as their serial losing streak continues.

One thing’s for sure though – we need ole Mustard Pants with his outlandish dress sense, his lunatic rants, his resignations and the attempts on his life by his own car because – let’s face it – we all need a laugh these days.



Nigel Farage’s Mustard Pants Inspired By Steph and Dom off Gogglebox

Steph and Dom as seen on our telly - wearing mustard pants.

Steph and Dom as seen on our telly – wearing mustard pants.

It has come to light that the mustard coloured corduroy trousers sported by Nigel Farage at the Oldham West and Royton by-election, which led to much mirth and a marathon of piss-takery from all and sundry and his cousins were actually inspired by Steph and Dom off Gogglebox on Channel Four.

Nigel Farage actually visited Steph and Dom’s B&B in Kent for a TV documentary and according to some reports they all got “a bit pissed.”

“In footage from Gogglebox Steph and Dom can be clearly seen wearing mustard pants,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “So it’s highly likely that this is where Farage took his inspiration for the mustard pants.

“He was probably subliminally thinking that he could emulate Steph and Dom’s popularity by association with the mustard pants. He clearly didn’t think it through very well because whilst Steph and Dom’s entertaining pissed up banter entertains millions most people just think Nigel Farage is a prick.”



Nigel Farage Gives Rousing Speech To The Converted



UKIP leader Nigel Farage is reported to have delivered a rousing speech to a wildly enthusiastic group of Dutch anti-EU converts in the back room of a pub.

Reports are still coming through as to exactly what he said, but seasoned Nigel watchers appear to be suggesting that the content probably involved a great deal of anti-EU rhetoric and a fearsome rant about tsunamis of refugees approaching biblical proportions coming over here to steal our jobs and rape our womenfolk.

It’s not known if Mr Farage encountered and was made to feel uncomfortable by hordes of alien invaders who don’t speak English on the local metro system, but without doubt the Daily Express website will keep us up to speed.

“What a waste of time that was,” said expat John Longworth. “It was just the same old recycled guff from the clapped out old windbag, but it was nice to see he was wearing the mustard coloured corduroy pants again. Having said that, it was more like a Britain First meeting in the back room of an Essex pub than a Nuremburg rally type of thing.

PB for Cafe Spike.