Enough Already With The Fifty Shades Wannabe Bandwagon-Jumping Erotica

A Spot Of Erotic Rumpy Pumpy For Our Lady Readers

A Spot Of Erotic Rumpy Pumpy For Our Lady Readers

Café Spike publisher Martin Shuttlecock, today issued an impassioned plea to social media contacts to please stop bombarding him with advertisements for self-published erotica designed to cash in on the phenomenal best-seller ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ basing his reasons for doing so on the fact that Fifty Shades has passed as a fad, and is more or less an overtapped resource.

“It’s just about been done to death now,” Shuttlecock told us. “It’s a genre that’s had its day, like teenaged vampires and zombies and all that crap. I just can’t be arsed with it, and the bulk of it is poorly written and about as entertaining to read as a suicide note.”

Shuttlecock went on to describe how he’d been bombarded on social media with images of toned and tanned young men hovering above blindfolded maidens in handcuffs with nary a stretchmark or a pot belly in sight.

“It’s embarrassing,” he said. “I open up my phone to order a takeaway or something and there’s pictures of people in various stages of undress – usually handcuffed or tied to a four poster bed. Some even go a bit hardcore, and all to describe a rather amateurishly written 48 page pamphlet available on Amazon for 99 cents. They’d have to pay me to read that middle aged woman fantasy crap. Some people need to get real.”

And the most annoying aspect?

“Stupid fucking names and situations,” Shuttlecock hissed. “Pardon my French. It’s all so dull, utterly predictable and appallingly written that it serves only to tempt me to draw a finely honed Sabatier butcher knife across my own throat. I mean, these things are never set in realistic locations, like Blackburn or Bradford, featuring factory workers and binge eating obese mothers of three. They’re always set on paradise islands, or yachts, with characters with names like Jamiroquoi De Sade and Countess Julienne Amontillado-Perfavore or some such shit. Anyway, I’ve blocked most of these frustrated middle class housewives from my social circle, and it really is no sad loss.”

And a final word?

“When you get to my age you’ve already done all that stuff,” Shuttlecock said. “It’s just stupid. If I asked the wife to blindfold me and tie me to the bed, she’d either piss herself laughing, or tie me up and go out shopping. That’s realistic. And in any case, when you get to my age you’d rather have a nice bit of steak pie with gravy, mash and garden peas followed by a nap than put up with all that bollocks.”

*Café Spike would like to apologise to our more sensitive readers for the use of profanities in this article, and to assure decent writers that if they’re still on our contact list that the situation is fluid, and that when we get pissed off with you, you’re gone.


Martin Shuttlecock – Surfing The Net For Porn

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

Failing satirist, buffoon of long standing, idiot, pariah, awful cook, bad husband, and beer guzzling, chain smoking idiot, Martin Shuttlecock, today embarked upon a lunatic quest intended to promote failing comedy website www.cafespike.com

By hitting the lowest common denominator…and surfing the net for porn.

Here, he explains the illogicality of his quest:

“I needed the hits. So porn seemed the logical option. Everybody likes a bit of porn now and again, unless you’re a Caramelesque nun or something…”

Shuttlecock then went on to explain how he surfed the net for top quality porn in the interests of reaping in a gazillion hits on his favourite website, and thus restoring his much maligned reputation as a humourist of the lowest order…but only when his long suffering wife had retired for the night.

“I couldn’t have done this with her looking over my shoulder,” he confided. “She’d go fucking mental and probably hit me over the head with a cast iron skillet. Or something.”

Armed only with a hand written list of dodgy porn sites, which his workmate, Dave, had scribbled on the back of a works scrap sheet, Shuttlecock set about his task in the early hours of this morning.

“I had to pluck up a bit of Dutch courage before setting out on my mission,” he explained. “Luckily there were a couple of cold ones in the fridge. I downed the first one in double-quick time, and then poured out the second, ready, should I need it.”

Shuttlecock steeled himself, preparing for the worst, (Because his mate, Dave, is a man of dubious tastes.) and then logged on to his laptop. He went on to peruse 20 internet porn sites in quick succession.

Here’s what he found:

1 – Some bloke smoking a pipe and talking Italian. Wearing a sombrero. Having a J Arthur. Yuck!

2 – A panoramic shot of the Ventura Freeway in Los Angeles. Starring some cars and some fairly hectic smog.

3 – Some fat bloke kissing a blonde girl’s arse. In 1979.

4 – A blonde American woman with unnaturally large and curiously shaped breasts, straddling a pommel horse, shouting her head off, rolling her head around and swearing a lot.

5 – A brunette, licking her painted lips, panting something or other in French and sucking on a fag. Smoking ban, no surprise, looking at this.

6 – Some callow youth, peeping through a window. At night time. A bit like a stalker. Out of the Police’s ‘Every Breath You Take.’

7 – That looks really uncomfortable…they’re gonna be aching all over the shop in the morning.

8 – Is that a? Oh dear…oh deary me…that’s just wrong on every level.

9 – Some people in a bar…talking German. Interesting, this one, there’s a dating ad on the side for my local area with some fat bird in glasses who looks suspiciously like that woman who works up the shops.

10 – Oh my God! That must be fake.

11 – That looks painful…

12 – Some bird kissing some bloke’s hairy arse. Put me off me beer that has. Right proper.

13 – A blonde girl wearing a cowboy outfit riding a horse, but a window on the side asking me if I want to talk dirty…as if…Maybe it’s one of them internet trolls.

14 – Not sure about this one. Looks like a dozen octopuses tentacle wrestling. Very confusing. And slimy.

15 – Some French girl in a maid’s outfit serving dinner to a baldy bloke with a badly fitting syrup. Wonder why she’s crawling under the table? Baldy bloke probably dropped his fork. Not sure now whether he’s smiling or in agony. V strange.

16 – I’d never have believed a grown man would want to do such a thing with a live chicken. That’s SICK.

17 – Ah, a vampire. Hang on…I thought he was supposed to bite the girl’s neck!

18 – Prison. A man’s prison. Someone taking a shower…ooh err! Not keen on that one. I’m not homophobic or anything, but I could have done without that. Thankyou very much!

19 – A cartoon! It’s the Simpsons! By the bloody left! I never realised Ned Flanders had it in him! Homer will go mental if he ever finds out what Marje has been up to!

20 – Hang on! That’s me Nan! Cut! Turn the bastard thing off!

Shuttlecock sums up:

“This porn lark’s all well and good if you like that sort of thing. But it’s all a bit samey, and repetitive. Like Status Quo, or watching Arsenal in the eighties. Or writing the same book a hundred times over and just changing the names. All in all, I think porn’s a bit pointless. Like watching the Food Channel when you’re hungry and the cupboard is bare.”

More as we get it.

*You can follow Café Spike on Facebook if you like. Frankly we could do with the support.