World running out of cat stuff

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A leading academic today issued a dire warning, alerting the entire world that we’re running out of cat stuff.

“We’ve just about reached the limit with cat stuff,” Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University warned. “Just about everything a cat can possibly do has been plastered all over social media for years now, and I’m afraid the well has just about run dry. There’s nothing left to say – it’s all been done to death and then some.”

There seems little doubt that with the advent of the internet cats have enjoyed a surge in popularity not seen since the days of the ancient Egyptians, but the online trend seems to be indicating that a growing section of the public are becoming thoroughly pissed off with the never ending stream of internet cat junk.

“I quite like cats actually,” said Cafe Spike’s editor Martin Shuttlecock. “But there has to be a cut off point when cats seem to be the most important thing in the world.

“We’ve had lazy cats, crazy cats, cool cats, stupid cats, scary cats, guard dog cats, daredevil cats, cats being scared shitless by cucumbers, talking cats, laughing cats, fish bothering cats and mafia cats. I’m getting sick of fucking cats to be honest.

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage's nut sack. hopefully...

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage’s nut sack. hopefully…

“People need to start getting more adventurous. I’ve heard Komodo Dragons and saltwater crocodiles are becoming the in thing with exotic pet owners, and I see that as a good thing.

“If I had a clip on my FB page of Iain Duncan Smith getting ripped to shreds by a salty, or Nigel Farage getting bit off a Komodo Dragon and shitting himself for three days until the poison finally sees him off, well – I’d give shit like that a thumbs up.

“And probably share it too if I could be arsed.”

More as we get it.


Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.