Thousands March In Protest Against Protest Marches

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Thousands took to the streets of London today to march in protest against protest marches.

“We’re getting to be as daft as the French,” protester Albert Trundle explained. “They take to the streets at the drop of a hat and now we seem to be following suit. I’m sick to death of protest marches, which is why I’m marching here today. I want them banned for the simple reason that they serve no purpose whatsoever.”

The march set off from Trafalgar Square and culminated in a mass rally at Parliament Square where the assembled crowd was addressed by a number of speakers, including 80’s pop music ensemble Bananarama, Timmy Mallet, Christopher Biggins and actress Nicole Kidman.

“I don’t know why I’m here really,” Ms Kidman announced to the crowd. “Although I am totally committed to the cause, it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. I don’t even live here.”

More as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock for cafespike.com

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Paul Golding and the protest that wasn’t.

Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen pictured storming a mosque somewhere in Yorkshire

Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen pictured storming a mosque somewhere in Yorkshire.

Widely condemned by the media for turning his back on Sadiq Khan’s London mayoral acceptance speech, Britain First’s leader Paul Golding was keeping a low profile today – but is Golding really a racist? And was his back turning gesture really a protest? Behavioural expert and prominent psychologist Professor Alfred Epstein is convinced there’s a simple explanation for Golding’s bizarre behaviour.

“I’ve studied the tapes and can only conclude that Golding was distracted,” wrote Professor Epstein in the London Journal of Psychology. “There’s a point where – as Sadiq Khan approaches the microphone – an expression of surprise crosses Golding’s face. Something has obviously startled him and distracted him from the main event. My guess is that he saw a squirrel or something similar larking about in a tree outside.

“We know from his history that Golding is a racist – although he denies it – but I’m convinced that the back turning episode wasn’t racially motivated. He lacks the intelligence for starters, which explains his “Ooh look! A squirrel!” moment. There’s no doubt that the gesture will have been seen and misconstrued by right wing nutters as a gesture of defiance, some form of misguided patriotic protest by a devout Christian soldier “defending our cultural heritage” or some such twaddle.

“It wasn’t. He’d spotted a squirrel. That’s all.

“Either way you care to look at it he comes out of this looking a right bellend.”

SN

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Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike

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