Daily Express reader not sure about Black Friday

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

It’s that time of year again – Black Friday – when the stores have big sales which involve the punters kicking seven shades of crap out of each other and risking life and limb in order to pick up a cheap flatscreen TV they don’t actually need or a games console that they’ll hardly ever use. That’s if they’re lucky. The unlucky ones get a good hiding, and nothing to show for it other than possibly a festive tin of Quality Street or a damaged advent calendar.

Black Friday is yet another American marketing ploy which we’ve latched onto here, but what does the average patriotic Brit really make of it all? We asked a Daily Express reader, who didn’t seem quite sure what to think.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” Baz admitted. “Nigel hasn’t said anything about it so I simply don’t know what I should be thinking. Is it something to do with the New World Order? Will closing the borders and kicking all the foreigners out sort it? Is it a Muslim thing?”

At which point we informed the DE reader that it’s more of a marketing ploy, a way of trying to get the public to splash out over the festive season.

“So it’s part of the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan then?” the DE reader gasped. “A conspiracy by the lefty cultural Marxists to eradicate the historical indigenous British people in order to Islamify and put concrete and mosques all over Britain?”

We reiterated that Black Friday really doesn’t have anything to do with black people, race issues, religion, or anything really, other than to get people spending.

Get off it!

Get off it!

“I’m not sure,” Baz said as he mulled it over. “But what we should really do is either get out rioting in the streets or give it our full support. I can’t really say until Nigel tells me what to think.”

When our reporter laughed in disbelief Baz threatened to pass our details on to an extreme right wing racist group who would be round to sort us out.

Which was all a bit worrying really – considering Baz was wearing a German WWII helmet, a Nazi armband and sporting two extra large poppies.

Ted Pemberton

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600,000 Britain First March In Burton On Trent

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

The extreme right political party Britain First were yesterday celebrating a decisive victory in its bid to take our country back, when an estimated 600,000 flag bearing marchers took to the streets of Burton On Trent in Staffordshire protesting the proposed opening of a mosque in the town. According to a Britain First spokesperson BF supporters flocked from all corners of the UK in support of their anti-Islamic message.

“It was a fantastic turn out today,” announced a fat bloke with a megaphone. “Our officials lost count of the numbers at the 600,000 mark when the batteries failed on our Knights Templar calculator. It’s great news for Britain First, and what’s more it means I won’t have to resort to flogging cheap tat out of a suitcase like Del Boy out of Only Fools And Horses. We do it all online these days.”

“It sent a shiver down my spine seeing so many flag-waving patriotic Brits in one place at one time,” said a man drinking Special Brew straight from the can. who identified himself as Wellard Harry from Brentwood, Essex. “I reckon they’ve underestimated the attendance in the official figures. If you ask me it was nearer to a million.”

The march started out from a car park in the town and went largely unnoticed as the throng was escorted by the police through some back streets to another car park where a Britain First speaker got hysterical over something or other and the crowd lapped it up.

However, the wife of a serving Staffordshire police officer had a slightly different view. “My old man hates pulling duty like this ‘event,'” she told us. “He says it’s basically just babysitting a bunch of idiots with nothing better to do, wasting public money and police time and resources that could have been better utilised elsewhere. The bottom line is that these people are a bunch of deluded arseholes with nothing better to do. And there weren’t 600,000 there at all. Somebody somewhere is telling porkies.”

Local resident Steve Tyhurst who heard about the march but didn’t actually see it told us: “I don’t get what they’re about, unless it’s just to do with getting donations off stupid people. If they want to fight they should join the army. Although the army probably wouldn’t have them because they’re too old, too fat, and they’d probably fail the entry level intelligence test.”

A local councillor who asked that his name be withheld told us: “They’re claiming 600,000 attended? Definitely not. When they wave flags it gives the impression from a distance that there’s a lot more of them, which is a bit of a con really. There certainly wasn’t that number on show. In fact I think I can safely say that you could have rounded them up and got them on a single decker bus. They do have a tendency to exaggerate.”

Were you there? Can you read? Drop us a line.

Paddy Berzinski

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Muslims To Blame For Whitby Graves Shortage

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

The shortage of available burial sites in the historic Yorkshire seaside town has been blamed fairly and squarely on Muslims and uncontrolled immigration by many pillars of the indigenous British community. Two years ago the town’s graveyard suffered a severe case of land slippage, resulting in the contents of old graves being unceremoniously deposited in peoples’ gardens. It was a shocking chapter in local history in the town which prides itself on its long standing association with Bram Stoker’s classic vampire novel Dracula.

“I found, to my absolute horror, two skulls, some leg bones and a ribcage by my wheelie bin on that occasion. It’s outrageous,” local resident Steve Arnold remarked in the local paper. “And something needs to be done about it.”

Local officials are reported to be scouring the area in search of a suitable site for a new cemetery, but have so far drawn a blank. Yet according to some sources the blame for the current crisis can be unequivocally blamed on Muslims and Eastern European migrants, but mostly Muslims.

“They take up more cemetery space than native British bodies because they’ve all got to be buried facing Mecca, so neat rows of graves are out,” Essex resident Jayda Golding told us. “They aren’t happy with taking over our country, they want to dominate our graveyards too. It’s a disgrace. You could bury eight British people in a single Muslim grave – that’s the unpalatable truth about this emergency. We can’t even lay our loved ones to rest in peace any more in their own land but we can bury these terrorists on hallowed ground. Next they’ll be flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque and start selling halal fish and chips on the quayside. It’s disgusting and we intend to protest this sorry state of affairs in a car park somewhere. The word has already gone out and the motorbike and sidecar has just passed the MOT so you can expect a big turnout.”

Mohammed Akram, a London based Imam said he’d never heard such a load of old nonsense in his life.

“I don’t see how people can blame Islam for landslips and a shortage of graves in Whitby,” he said. “According to the 2011 census there were only 19 Muslims listed as residents out of a total population of over 13,000, and although one or two of them may have expired since then I can’t really see it having a massive impact on the burial situation. As for flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque on the site, I think that’s just scaremongering. There wouldn’t be any demand for it. I would imagine somebody’s front room would suffice.”

Vlad the Impaler was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and reports that he’s currently residing in a million pound mansion in Mayfair counting his benefit payments have been strongly denied by the Romanian embassy in London.

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Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.

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It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski

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My Valentine’s Day – by Nigel Porridge, Man Of The Sheeple

Nigel Porridge pictured in his underwear - not in the pub.

Nigel Porridge pictured in his underwear – not in the pub.

Snuck out of bed at seven this morning, anxious not to wake my wife. Left her gently snoring in bed. Finally decided on what to take her up for a romantic breakfast in bed, then picked up the newspapers.

Great news! We’ve hit the headlines again in three tabloids and two broadsheets. Made pot of tea and a slice of buttered toast with jam. Sat down at the breakfast bar and had a closer look at the papers.

Sterling job from our candidate for Bradford West, George Bull. His announcement that we’ll leave the EU, set fire to Russia, declare war on Greece and clamp down on rogue curry houses was particularly well received by the extreme right. Pity he didn’t mention my suggestion that we open forced labour camps for immigrants and benefit scroungers, probably because IDS mentioned in the House that I was too soft on poverty.

Is it too early for A G&T? I rather fancy a beer but I’m watching my weight. G&T it is then.

Switched the telly on. Do Nothing Dave’s on the lefty BBC again calling me a swivel eyed loon. I’ll have that bastard one of these days. Then he said we were losing all credibility as a party by having that pub landlord bloke representing us. What a plonker! He’s so far up his own backside he can probably lick his own tonsils. The big foreheaded idiot.

I had more gin, but ran out, so I started on the brandy and cokes. Lots of brandy and not a lot of coke. Turned the channel over to Sky News. More twaddle from Russia – I’ve told them how to sort that out. Bomb the buggers. Simple.

Had more brandy. Made vow to start on my wife’s breakfast in bed tray in 30 minutes. Not a minute more, not a minute less. Finished the bloody brandy. Started on the vodka. Had a long look at Page 3. Tidy sort, Janey, 22 from the Wirral. We need more of that in our party. Must remember where I put Karen Danczuk’s mobile number. She’ll be a big hit with the lads when they get both barrels! Ha ha ha!

Started feeling a tad woozy. Stopped chugging the vodka and slowed down a bit by cracking a can of Special Brew. Checked my diary. Couldn’t focus on it. Threw it at the cat. Missed.

Then the wife got up demanding to know what had happened to her special Valentine’s Day breakfast in bed.

Was violently sick in a pot plant in the conservatory, stumbled into the kitchen and fell asleep on the floor.

*Any similarity between Nigel Porridge and Nigel Farage is purely coincidental. Café Spike is not in the business of poking idiots with pointed sticks.

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Barking Mad Murphy’s Guide To UKIP

VOTE UKIP!

VOTE UKIP!

Generous erections are when the grateful Brutish public cast vetos in order to exterminate who will be taking over the rainbows at power stations. Today we shalt examine the UKIP. Red herring? Battered cod? Maybe. It’s up to the expectorant to decry, by easy virtue of ‘X’ marking the spot the ball contest. But what are UKIP about? And who are UKIP? Brief nap or smoked fish? And what do they want? Do they even live around here?

UKIP are first and forepost a conservationist group who want to pull us off out of the European Cup and UEFA in sprouts. UKIP are almost a racing party who don’t like anything non-Brutish and want desperately to spend them all black. UKIP’s head waiter is a manchild called Michael Mirage who once shirked as a cashpoint machine for twenty years on the Futurama market. In Shepherds Bush City. Not far from Cannery Row – which was made infamous by John Cashback in a documentary of a different title.

UKIP have compromised to reseal the smirking ban in pubs, clubs and houses of ill repuke and freeze the price of a pint at £19.99 with a freedom whisky chasing after. Almost they promise to deduce input tax for the middle glasses at 35% in the pounding of tripe.

UKIP are a great party scene for the white witches among us but not much copper for the vertically challenged, Greeks, Romans, teabaggers or Alsatians. Germanics are accepting bubble but only Generation X and not if they’re Idol and always wanting paternity loaves for white weddings. Yeah.

UKIP suppositories are expectant of displaying blinding devotion to a lost causeway, and are required to spurt VOTE UKIP at every opportunity knockers, no batter how timber-cynic this makes them look and listen.

Personality I don’t care where you put your Xmas but aisle be boating UKIP because I am Barking Mad Murphy.

Get in there you bootylicious!

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EDL Invade Newcastle Christening Looking For ISIS

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

Newcastle couple John and Samantha Osbourne had an unwelcome surprise at the Christening of their baby daughter Iris, at St Botolph’s church in the city, when proceedings were interrupted by an unscheduled invasion by members of the North-East branch of the EDL.

Family, friends and the presiding vicar could only look on in slack jawed amazement as the group of ten men swept into the church chanting anti-Taliban slogans and demanding to know where ISIS were because they fancied having a fight with the Jihadist group.

“It was a lovely ceremony until all these fat blokes in flat caps stormed in and started shouting, wanting a fight,” Samantha told us. “When they told John that they’d heard ISIS were appearing at the church and that they’d come for a fight – you could have knocked us down with a feather. I told them, we’ve got an Iris here, but no ISIS that we were aware of, but they were having none of it.”

“I tried to explain to them that there must be some mistake but they wouldn’t budge,” the Rev Timothy Allsop said later. “They started chanting like a crowd of football hooligans, called me a Marxist lefty and quite clearly stated that they weren’t going anywhere until they’d given ISIS a good bashing. Eventually we had to call the police.”

“The worst of it was that they upset the bairn,” Samantha said. “She’d been as good as good as gold until these pot-bellied morons stormed in spouting their rubbish. After the police removed them she cried her little head off throughout the rest of the ceremony. These people are just middle aged overweight idiots with a serious brain cell deficit.”

A spokesman for Northumberland police confirmed that officers had been called to an incident at St Botolph’s church, and that an undisclosed number of trespassers had been removed from the premises, adding that the EDL members had acted upon information received which subsequently turned out to be flawed.

This isn’t the first incidence of failed intelligence related to the North-East branch of the EDL. Recently they invaded a book club meeting in the area in the hope of giving media personality Russell Brand a fair slapping, although the author was nowhere near the city at the time.

A senior EDL spokesman refused to condemn the North-East branch, claiming that their enthusiasm was admirable, if somewhat misguided.

“We’ve had a few communication breakdowns with the North-East branch recently,” the spokesman stated. “But in fairness they’re as keen as mustard. The problem appears to be that only one of them can read, a six year old who’s quite bright for his age although apparently not too hot on comprehension. Our focus is on improving the branch’s performance and our understanding is that a thirteen year old has applied for the job of Senior Intelligence Officer. He’s in remedial reading classes at the moment but that shouldn’t be a bar to joining the EDL. We welcome members of all stripes – providing they’re English and a bit thick.”

Reporter: Eddie Mackum

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