92% Of Daily Express Readers Can’t Be Arsed To Read The Articles

The Express Staff On Lunch Break Earlier Today

The Express Staff On Lunch Break Earlier Today

A recent investigation by the Online Press Marketing Group has revealed that people who buy the newspaper or log on to the Express website can rarely be arsed to actually read the articles.

A staggering 92% of Express customers admitted that they don’t actually read the articles, with 7% saying that they only use the Express for the puzzles, such as the crossword, word wheel and sudoku, while 1% declared that they didn’t understand the question.

“The problem with Express articles are that they appear to have been hurriedly dictated into voice recognition software, which is then processed as a written article by somebody suffering the final throes of a lethal attack of explosive dysentery,” explained media guru and former Downing Street spin doctor, Bertrand Bassett. “The articles are extremely brief, horribly researched, poorly presented and wouldn’t hold much appeal for anyone with any interest in factual information.”

A brief glance at the comments section appears to support Mr Bassett’s assertion, as a story about space exploration or something similar attracts comments about gunning down migrants and rioting in the streets. Which bears little or no relation whatsoever to the subject matter.

“Personally I don’t read it and I wouldn’t give it house room under any circumstances,” said NHS nurse Patrycia Petrakova. “I looked at it once but it was full of idiotic stories about space aliens, conspiracy theories, migrants, ridiculous scare stories and so much about that pompous buffoon Nigel Farage. Why bother? No sane person would resort to reading such nonsense.”

The Daily Express – so shit its own readers can’t be arsed to actually read it.

Franco Mellie for Cafe Spike dot com


Daily Express Readers SLAM and BLAST Government Plans For Correct English

UKIP's Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

UKIP’s Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

Government plans to ensure that every UK resident should have an acceptable command of the English language, initially aimed at Islamic women has provoked an unexpected response from the most unlikely of sources – Daily Express readers.

“I can’t believe they’re investing £20 million in teaching Muslim economic migrants to speak and write decent English,” one FURIOUSLY OUTRAGED reader BLASTED and SLAMMED.What about us indigenous historic Britons who can’t talk or write English proper? They won’t pay us nothing to learn our own language but they don’t mind throwing money at the migrant scum. They’re all traitorous slags. Only Lord Nigel Mustard Pants of Thanet is qualified to run this country and as such he should be installed immediately in Downing Street. He’s the only patriot we have left. And he’d put the indigenous British population above the scrounging scum invading our country and destroying our traditional way of life so that WE can learn proper English too. Vote UKIP! VOTE OUT OF THE CORRUPT EU NOW!”

Although we weren’t quite sure where the irate Kipper was going with his BLASTING and SLAMMING, it’s our view that everyone should be entitled to a voice in the modern world and in the media, so there you go.

An independent analyst from the Department Of Inanity, a government think tank, told us:

“It’s common knowledge that Daily Express readers tend to have a poor command of both written and spoken English, although they’ve had a lifetime to learn it and experience exposure to it every day. For some reason, the comments on the DE’s online articles expose how crap most of them are at their native language. Most of them don’t seem to be able to even cast a critical eye over the dubious content of the articles they read on the DE website let alone post a coherent comment. If it’s racist in any way they lap it up like hungry kittens, yet they tell others to ignore mainstream media outlets. Our analysis revealed that they’re almost as illiterate as the wankers who post on the Britain First Facebook page. And that’s really saying something.”

When we spoke to a UKIP spokesman we were assured that: “Nigel Farage can do joined up writing, and that he’s currently working on the correct use of the apostrophe.”

Reg Bond for Cafe Spike


Vladimir Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize by Mail and Express readers

Hmm..not at all sure about this one - V Putin

Hmm..not at all sure about this one – V Putin

Following his decision to take decisive action in Syria in order to prop up the Assad regime, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found a somewhat unexpected source of support from Express and Mail readers, who almost unanimously are suggesting that he be nominated for the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to end the conflict there by bombing the fuck out of everything that moves.

A Kremlin spokesman told us: “Mr Putin is determined to put an end to this interminable Middle Eastern mess by bombing the crap out of the place and then sending in ground troops to kill anything left alive and restore the country to its original state, which essentially means a windblown sand dune. If necessary he says he’ll nuke the buggers and turn the sand into glass – that is how determined Mr Putin is to bring peace and stability to the area. After that…who knows. Maybe Kansas, where Dorothy and Toto will be vaporised and definitely not Oz bound and she won’t be seeing no wizard. Having said that, Mr Putin has been overwhelmed by the level of support for his peace initiative from Express and Mail readers. By way of appreciation he’s thinking about targeting Brazil too, for a bit of a laugh like.”

Express readers, judging by their online comments will be delighted to learn that their lengthy discourses extolling the virtues of Mr Putin, maintaining that President Obama is a Wahabbist Muslim and basically that everybody who ever purchased a kebab, an onion bhaji, or a vegetable samosa should be shot on sight are actually being read by more than five or six like-minded lunatics.

“I’ve been warning people about the New World Order and the Leftist Cultural Marxists for ages,” Express reader RedGreenAlliance@gmail.com stated. “I’m just elated that the message is getting through at last, and to such a dedicated peacemaker as Mr Putin. It would make my life complete if I could use this as a stepping stone to get a shot on the radio with Alex Jones or do a You Tube interview with David Icke. It’s all about truth and reality at the end of the day.”

Martin Shuttlecock


1,000 Daily Express Readers To Fight Islamic State

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

As a direct response to the latest horrific footage released by Islamic State, a patriotic group of around 1,000 Daily Express readers are reported to be combat ready and en route to meet Islamic State in full on battle, in the killing fields of Iraq and Syria.

“They’ve gone too far this time,” said Express reader Graviton. “What’s needed is a furious response to these outrages, and they can be assured that I personally will make full use of my experiences gained over 45 years as a chartered accountant in order to orchestrate their downfall.”

The mercenary group of Daily Express readers come from all walks of life, and they’re said to be raring to go to take the fight to the enemy.

“I’m sick and tired of what Islamic State are doing,” proud Britain First supporter Cyril Greenford said. “It’s time to say enough is enough. They’ve got no right being here in the first place. Benefit scroungers one and all, every man-jack of ’em. Once we’ve killed ’em all there’ll be more benefit money in the pot for me and my fourteen kids by different baby mothers. I’m prepared to put my life on the line if it means more benefits for my family, and I’ll be able to afford better quality crack as a result.”

Morbidly obese farmer’s son Geoffrey Giles from Gloucestershire is also making plans to fight Islamic State.

“Them Muslims are taking our country over, and they have to be stopped,” he said. “Coming over here and taking over our chippies. Well I’m not going down without a fight I can tell you. As soon as my mobility scooter is charged up I’ll be right there on the front line.”

“I’ve been warming up for weeks,” Express reader Godfrey Jones told us. “My knuckles are as hard as tempered steel with the constant gnawing. I can’t wait to get over there and give them a full payload of unrestrained invective in bold italics. That’ll sort ’em.”

More as we get it.