Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.



Is This Donald Trump’s Final Solution?

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

To the great Constitutional scholar Donald Trump and to anyone of his ilk who believes it is acceptable to force Muslims to register on some database simply because they are a member of a certain religion: Maybe force them to wear striped pajamas with yellow Crescent Moons sewn on the fronts.  How could that go wrong?

You are an un-American stooge who has never read the Bill of Rights, or who believes it only pertains to (or, most likely believes it SHOULD only pertain to) those of the “Christian” faith, since it is obvious that only Christians should have rights to worship unregistered:

Amendment 1:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

To force any practitioner of any religious faith to register with a government agency, which, in this case, is any Muslim believer whether or not he or she is a US citizen, would amount to a de facto barrier to the free exercise thereof of their faith. No one in this country has any right whatsoever to know what religion I practice, or if indeed I practice none at all.

And for those of you who believe “it could never happen here in the US,” just ask the Mormons what has happened to them in this country. I’ll give you a hint… hell; I’ll be generous and give you two hints:

(1) In the 19th Century, an order of Extermination was signed by a state governor (figuratively) giving the Mormons till sundown to get out of town or to face extermination at the hands of the state militia.

(2) Polygamy kept the Territory of Utah from becoming a state and husbands were jailed in prisons, many losing everything they had in the process. Polygamy was a tenant of the LDS religious faithful. Exactly who it hurt, I do not know or care; US citizens were denied their rights based upon their religious beliefs.

Snake handling is illegal in many states. Christian Scientists are often prosecuted for faith healing, whereas Benny Hinn is free to swindle millions from Social Security recipients for bogus healings and jabbering over them whist he slaps them out cold with a blow to the forehead.. God knows we can’t have ole Benny put out of business; but it could happen if we put faith healers on a data base and prosecuted them when their “healed” lame folks trip and break a hip, or worse.

Do you believe it cannot happen to you, my Christian friends? Then why, oh why do I read (almost every day) in newspapers and magazines about “the war upon Christianity?”

Finally, for those of you who believe Muslims should all be placed upon some database or “No Fly List,” why is it that you are so dead-set opposed to registering your guns, all of which CAN and COULD kill an innocent YOU–but you can be in favor of registering US citizens of the Muslim faith who are unlikely to ever kill YOU?

It’s the US versus THEM mentality that shall most likely do you in.  Hitler beat Trump on the registering of religious groups; he registered Jews.  Now, how was that a bad idea?

By Frank E Jordan, US Correspondent, Café Spike