Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.



Daily Express BLASTED Because It’s SHIT!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock today BLASTED the DAILY EXPRESS for BEING SHIT and went on to SLAM its editorial policy, it’s online censorship and THE CUNTS who write in the comments section.

“Everything they put out seems to be scaremongering about migrants,” Shuttlecock said. “And quite frankly it makes my blood boil. “The scumbags who committed these atrocities in Europe weren’t migrants – they were home grown, alienated jihadists who thought of themselves as outsiders. Precisely because of attitudes like those showcased by the DAILY EXPRESS – who spread panic. Scare ordinary gullible people. What a bunch of arseholes.

“Not long ago they were blaming single mums for the ills of the nation – the migrant crisis must have been like manna from heaven for these pricks. In my opinion they should be allowed to carry on peddling their poison freely, but condemned by all decent people for being A BUNCH OF CUNTS. Led by an even bigger SELF-SERVING CUNT.

“They stopped me from commenting on their website after complaints from their PARANOID readership and my refusal to play their ridiculous game. I TOLD THEM TO STICK THEIR WEBSITE UP THEIR ARSE.

“Funny thing is – its cerebrally challenged readers seem to think I still pass comment on there because other individuals find their views equally abhorrent. I don’t, because it’s a waste of time and energy and I don’t have the time for that shit.

“It was fun for a while winding up the terminally deranged, and it’s good to see other sensible people taking up the mantle, but I’m done.

“If I had to equate the DAILY EXPRESS with anything, it would probably be a slimy turd eating an even slimier yet horrendously greenmouldy turd.

“Like the site users who comment there. Sick Nazi bastards.

“But that’s just my opinion.”

More as we get it.


Express Wordwheel Puzzle Is Quite Revealing

What are they on?

What are they on?

The Express Wordwheel puzzle is a test of vocabulary, featuring in a puzzle format nine letters which players must use to score points, with the central wheel letter compulsorily used in words constructed which must be a minimum of four letters with no proper names allowed.

Saturday’s DE Wordwheel puzzle consisted of the following letters: G I B N R O T H with the essential component letter being the additional and central letter B

So, that’s G I B N R O T H B

Here at Cafe Spike we got BINGO, THROBBING, THROB, BROTH, ROBBING, BRIO, BOTH, GIBBON, BRIGHT, RIGHT and ORBIT – amongst others.

But BRIT and BRITON weren’t allowed.

Whilst BIGOT was?

Is it just us, or has the Daily Express become some sort of treatment facility for the terminally delusional?

Or, even more sinisterly…is the Daily Express taking the piss out of its own rabid readership?

Answers on a postcard…but not to us please.

We have enough shit going on in our own world without inviting Richard Desmond and his shitty newspaper’s idiotic readers to contact us.

So tell them.

Leave us out of it.

And have a nice day ya bastards.