Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski


Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.


Daily Express BLASTED Because It’s SHIT!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock today BLASTED the DAILY EXPRESS for BEING SHIT and went on to SLAM its editorial policy, it’s online censorship and THE CUNTS who write in the comments section.

“Everything they put out seems to be scaremongering about migrants,” Shuttlecock said. “And quite frankly it makes my blood boil. “The scumbags who committed these atrocities in Europe weren’t migrants – they were home grown, alienated jihadists who thought of themselves as outsiders. Precisely because of attitudes like those showcased by the DAILY EXPRESS – who spread panic. Scare ordinary gullible people. What a bunch of arseholes.

“Not long ago they were blaming single mums for the ills of the nation – the migrant crisis must have been like manna from heaven for these pricks. In my opinion they should be allowed to carry on peddling their poison freely, but condemned by all decent people for being A BUNCH OF CUNTS. Led by an even bigger SELF-SERVING CUNT.

“They stopped me from commenting on their website after complaints from their PARANOID readership and my refusal to play their ridiculous game. I TOLD THEM TO STICK THEIR WEBSITE UP THEIR ARSE.

“Funny thing is – its cerebrally challenged readers seem to think I still pass comment on there because other individuals find their views equally abhorrent. I don’t, because it’s a waste of time and energy and I don’t have the time for that shit.

“It was fun for a while winding up the terminally deranged, and it’s good to see other sensible people taking up the mantle, but I’m done.

“If I had to equate the DAILY EXPRESS with anything, it would probably be a slimy turd eating an even slimier yet horrendously greenmouldy turd.

“Like the site users who comment there. Sick Nazi bastards.

“But that’s just my opinion.”

More as we get it.


Extreme Right Winger Doesn’t Quite Grasp How The World Works

An extreme right winger impersonating a proper Scouser pictured on me phone.

An extreme right winger impersonating a proper Scouser pictured on me phone.

An extreme right wing idiot today admitted that he “hasn’t got a clue” how the world actually works.

“If we leave the EU, regain our sovereignty, make our own laws and kick all the foreigners out we’ll be fine,” the idiot said. “We can be truly British and make stuff in Britain for British people.

“And we can be mates with Australia and Canada again, but I’m not keen on being mates with India. I’m not keen on curry – they only put all them spices in it because the meat’s going rotten.

“I’m not keen on the Chinese either. My mate knows a bloke whose brother got chicken from a Chinese takeaway and got a bone stuck in his throat. Had to go to A&E because he was choking. Turned out to be a cat bone. They analysed it in a lab. True that – you can ask him.

“It’s not so much that I don’t like foreigners, but I have my holidays in a caravan park in Prestatyn every year and you can get proper fish and chips and watch Bernard Manning videos in the bar and if we get invaded I won’t be able to do that any more.

“All I’ll have left is the Daily Express comments section, because everybody else hates me. I have no friends. It’s political correctness gone mad.

“I haven’t got a clue really, have I?”


UKIP Out Of Step With Core Support

The mark of the beast

The mark of the beast

In a concerted effort to throw off its swivel eyed racist loony image, UKIP have gone to extraordinary lengths to clean up their act, distancing themselves from far right extremist groups and stating repeatedly that they are not a racist party.

But is it working? And are they serious or are they just taking the piss?

It seems that although the party may in fact be serious about making a half baked attempt to make itself more acceptable to the public at large, it doesn’t seem that their hard core supporters adopt that line, with many accusing the party of going soft on issues such as race and Islam.

Given the venom directed at Muslims by so-called UKIP supporters online, support for far right extremist groups such as Pegida and even Britain First, anti-semitic statements and the applauding of acts of violence perpetrated against vulnerable refugees, UKIP’s hard core support appears to be more racist and xenophobic than ever.

Fair minded people accept that the refugee crisis is a problem which needs to be addressed, and that realistically there will be bad people among them, but that’s one for the authorities to sort out, not the foaming at the mouth lynch mobs who seem to crave a modern day Krystalnacht. With no appeal for calm or rational thinking coming from UKIP, one can only assume that the party condone the behaviour of their supporters, because they aren’t taking steps to suggest any otherwise.

One political observer remarked:

“It’s come to a point where anybody with the tiniest thread of human decency is going to go to extraordinary lengths to disassociate themselves with UKIP and with everything UKIP purport to represent, including a Brexit, because they’d be ashamed to admit it. It’s the fault of the party and its hardcore support and not any outside influence that UKIP has become a laughing stock across the length and breadth of the nation.

“The UKIP leadership has been ineffective since last year’s General Election, its finances appear to be at crisis point and its hardcore have repeatedly expressed themselves by posting hate messages on websites, openly supporting far right racist groups and generally making the Nazis appear like a far left tree-hugging group with their vile message.

“Nobody in their right mind would support such nonsense. When they were described by David Cameron as a bunch of swivel eyed loonies, the PM hit it right on the money, and he’s a bacon faced twat at the best of times, yet it’s a perfect illustration of how UKIP really are a bunch of shithouses.”

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe


Café Spike Banned From The Daily Express

We ain't afraid of no spooks

We ain’t afraid of no spooks

Café Spike are proud to announce that our Editor in Chief, Martin Shuttlecock has been banned from commenting on the Daily Express website. By his own admission Shuttlecock only expressed an interest in the site because although its users claim to represent the silent majority in the UK – they aren’t really representative at all.

“They’re just a bunch of right wing bigots,” Shuttlecock explained. “They don’t represent me or anyone I know, so I set out to challenge their cosy little mutual back-slapping club. I spoke out against them and they didn’t like it. They really do not like it up ’em. It didn’t take long for threats against my person to surface but I just shrugged them off and carried on regardless.

“That’s when the paranoia kicked in – as more and more people joined in, taking the piss out of Nigel Farage, UKIP, racism and right wing politics the paranoid lunatics all thought it was just me writing under various different identities. Which is ironic considering they are the biggest offenders in the multiple ID controversy.

“So it seems they lodged a complaint and my account was suspended. I emailed the DE asking why and got this email in response from Joe Lewis, the DE’s legal advisor:

“I write in response to your email of 02 February 2016. Please rest assured your account would not have been blocked because you object to UKIP or its leader.

We are the publishers of news which facilitates public discourse and debate. Naturally within that forum their will be individuals who abuse their freedoms and advocate views which are distasteful and unpleasant, though in the arena of public discourse it is not our role to curtail that individuals free speech upon a particular subject. Where we do receive a complaint regarding a user who has descended into abuse, vitriol or use of racial epithets then it is standard practice to banned such people from the forum.

On a side note, the account under username ‘nuttynigel’ – during a periodic sweep of the system a number of accounts were linked to that account which is why it has been blocked. We discourage multiple accounts from a single user. If you can confirm in writing that you do not use multiple accounts then I shall be happy to reactive the account ‘nuttynigel’”

“Now let’s just get this straight,” Shuttlecock continued. “If they were really concerned about “abuse, vitriol and racial epithets” then it certainly isn’t me who should be under scrutiny. It’s all the right wing nutters who should be banned. Not me. Although I did find the spelling and grammar in Mr Lewis’s email highly amusing in a post ironic way. Only in the Daily Express.

“Anyway, I sent them the following email in response:

“Dear Mr Lewis
I can confirm that I post on the DE comments section as nuttynigel and my partner posts as Charlotte Webster from this IP address.  I’d also suggest you have a look at some of the posts by extreme right wing users, who regularly use hate speech in a form verging on illegality, invariably using multiple ID’s
One thing becomes instantly clear, and that is that the DE is quite happy to publish anti-Islamic hate speech but cannot and will not tolerate criticism.
As for my account, feel free to do with it whatever you please. I care not.
Good luck with your racist hate speech echo chamber and pass my regards on to your boss, Mr Desmond. (Although further donations to UKIP are an absolute waste of resources IMHO.)
Or in layman’s terms, stick your website up your arse.

Banned by the Daily Express?

We’ll look on that as an achievement and carry the mantle with pride.

Martin Shuttlecock


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski


Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker


My Valentine’s Day – by Nigel Porridge, Man Of The Sheeple

Nigel Porridge pictured in his underwear - not in the pub.

Nigel Porridge pictured in his underwear – not in the pub.

Snuck out of bed at seven this morning, anxious not to wake my wife. Left her gently snoring in bed. Finally decided on what to take her up for a romantic breakfast in bed, then picked up the newspapers.

Great news! We’ve hit the headlines again in three tabloids and two broadsheets. Made pot of tea and a slice of buttered toast with jam. Sat down at the breakfast bar and had a closer look at the papers.

Sterling job from our candidate for Bradford West, George Bull. His announcement that we’ll leave the EU, set fire to Russia, declare war on Greece and clamp down on rogue curry houses was particularly well received by the extreme right. Pity he didn’t mention my suggestion that we open forced labour camps for immigrants and benefit scroungers, probably because IDS mentioned in the House that I was too soft on poverty.

Is it too early for A G&T? I rather fancy a beer but I’m watching my weight. G&T it is then.

Switched the telly on. Do Nothing Dave’s on the lefty BBC again calling me a swivel eyed loon. I’ll have that bastard one of these days. Then he said we were losing all credibility as a party by having that pub landlord bloke representing us. What a plonker! He’s so far up his own backside he can probably lick his own tonsils. The big foreheaded idiot.

I had more gin, but ran out, so I started on the brandy and cokes. Lots of brandy and not a lot of coke. Turned the channel over to Sky News. More twaddle from Russia – I’ve told them how to sort that out. Bomb the buggers. Simple.

Had more brandy. Made vow to start on my wife’s breakfast in bed tray in 30 minutes. Not a minute more, not a minute less. Finished the bloody brandy. Started on the vodka. Had a long look at Page 3. Tidy sort, Janey, 22 from the Wirral. We need more of that in our party. Must remember where I put Karen Danczuk’s mobile number. She’ll be a big hit with the lads when they get both barrels! Ha ha ha!

Started feeling a tad woozy. Stopped chugging the vodka and slowed down a bit by cracking a can of Special Brew. Checked my diary. Couldn’t focus on it. Threw it at the cat. Missed.

Then the wife got up demanding to know what had happened to her special Valentine’s Day breakfast in bed.

Was violently sick in a pot plant in the conservatory, stumbled into the kitchen and fell asleep on the floor.

*Any similarity between Nigel Porridge and Nigel Farage is purely coincidental. Café Spike is not in the business of poking idiots with pointed sticks.


EDL Invade Newcastle Christening Looking For ISIS

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

Newcastle couple John and Samantha Osbourne had an unwelcome surprise at the Christening of their baby daughter Iris, at St Botolph’s church in the city, when proceedings were interrupted by an unscheduled invasion by members of the North-East branch of the EDL.

Family, friends and the presiding vicar could only look on in slack jawed amazement as the group of ten men swept into the church chanting anti-Taliban slogans and demanding to know where ISIS were because they fancied having a fight with the Jihadist group.

“It was a lovely ceremony until all these fat blokes in flat caps stormed in and started shouting, wanting a fight,” Samantha told us. “When they told John that they’d heard ISIS were appearing at the church and that they’d come for a fight – you could have knocked us down with a feather. I told them, we’ve got an Iris here, but no ISIS that we were aware of, but they were having none of it.”

“I tried to explain to them that there must be some mistake but they wouldn’t budge,” the Rev Timothy Allsop said later. “They started chanting like a crowd of football hooligans, called me a Marxist lefty and quite clearly stated that they weren’t going anywhere until they’d given ISIS a good bashing. Eventually we had to call the police.”

“The worst of it was that they upset the bairn,” Samantha said. “She’d been as good as good as gold until these pot-bellied morons stormed in spouting their rubbish. After the police removed them she cried her little head off throughout the rest of the ceremony. These people are just middle aged overweight idiots with a serious brain cell deficit.”

A spokesman for Northumberland police confirmed that officers had been called to an incident at St Botolph’s church, and that an undisclosed number of trespassers had been removed from the premises, adding that the EDL members had acted upon information received which subsequently turned out to be flawed.

This isn’t the first incidence of failed intelligence related to the North-East branch of the EDL. Recently they invaded a book club meeting in the area in the hope of giving media personality Russell Brand a fair slapping, although the author was nowhere near the city at the time.

A senior EDL spokesman refused to condemn the North-East branch, claiming that their enthusiasm was admirable, if somewhat misguided.

“We’ve had a few communication breakdowns with the North-East branch recently,” the spokesman stated. “But in fairness they’re as keen as mustard. The problem appears to be that only one of them can read, a six year old who’s quite bright for his age although apparently not too hot on comprehension. Our focus is on improving the branch’s performance and our understanding is that a thirteen year old has applied for the job of Senior Intelligence Officer. He’s in remedial reading classes at the moment but that shouldn’t be a bar to joining the EDL. We welcome members of all stripes – providing they’re English and a bit thick.”

Reporter: Eddie Mackum