Theresa May’s Cleavage Not Worth A Wank

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

Cafe Spike broke ranks with the mainstream media this morning, following hysterical press coverage of Home Secretary Theresa May’s cleavage as revealed during a live television broadcast covering George Osborne’s budget speech in Westminster.

Quite frankly we were in total agreement with Zebediah Spalding, the former Arctic explorer turned political commentator who said: “For God’s sake let’s have some perspective here. There’s something desperately wrong with a society where the government exploit the poor and infirm in order to line the pockets of the ultra-privileged, and all that goes over the heads of the media, who seem more interested in an old woman’s tits than the abuse of the population. Definitely something wrong here.”

“Frankly speaking,” Cafe Spike’s Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock told us. “And without being sexist or anything, but whenever I see Theresa May on the telly my gaze is more focussed on the bags under her eyes and her awful hairstyles than anything located due south of there, which can be of no possible interest to anyone in possession of a hormone unless it’s a question of loyalty. Not really worth a wank in the greater scheme of things.

“On a cerebral level I must admit that I do sometimes regard the woman with a vague curiosity – often wondering to myself how such an incompetent buffoon could ever attain such an exalted position in government. But then I look at the rest of them and it isn’t difficult to work out.”

Even The Sun appeared to make a massive fuss over the cleavage exposure, which is somewhat ironic considering that they published page three glamour shots for decades and owner Rupert Murdoch only recently married a washed up model cum groupie whose own cleavage was recently described as resembling “a basset hound’s lug holes” by an undisclosed alleged source.

In other news, trains into London Waterloo station were disrupted again as another citizen of the fifth largest economy in the world, and the most rapidly developing economy in Europe threw herself under a train at Clapham Junction in sheer desperation.

Paddy Berzinski


Prince Andrew Needs To Come Clean – A Barking Mad Murphy Exclusive

I'll strangle the randy little bastard!

I’ll strangle the randy little bastard!

Prince needs to come clean over allegories of playing sax with underarm American girdle some years ago according to American lawbreakers. Papers filed down weeks ago but dropped out of headboards globally by Paris shootings and Page Threesome forced to close owing to downturn in boobiness. Temporary. Back up now with fresh boobiness injection. Good joke Rupert ‘Bare’ Murdoch. How we laughed in shock horror, but that’s irreverent to this stormy in a teapot.

Unclear at this point whether or not Prints will respond to chargers. Tight lippiness seems to be the hoarder of the daylight apart from working busily.

Not Godly enough Prince Andrew. The nationals need to hear what you will not say, like it or lump it by jingo. Severe case of one ruler for Royals and another ruler for measuring cloth accordingly.

Shout up in the name of the Queen and be damnationed with them all. But sing ‘We Are The Champions’ not good PR so probably best forsaken in this briefcase.

Full and frankly stateside would helpline. Not worky workshy stateside. Not accountable, oh no. Defiantly not Goodyear.

Latest footknacker score: UKIP 3 Briton Thirst 4 – the apps have it. Nearly.

More last year.

Reporter: Barking Mad Murphy.