Poodle Fancier In Bad Wig To Become Jihadi Bride

Do I look gay? Does my dog look gay? Pass the hot sauce I'm feeling fruity

Do I look gay? Does my dog look gay? Pass the hot sauce I’m feeling fruity

It’s been a weird day here for emails – first the Captain America thing, and now one from some fat guy in a wig who likes poodles and calls himself Al, who really wants to leave his job in a sandwich bar in order to become a Jihadi bride in Raqqa. Surely this shit can’t be serious?

It seems he is. That’s if it’s all kosher, which we aren’t really sure about at all.

The second email says that Lardy-Arse Al is really good at fighting talk, that he has a keen interest in “rasslin” – whatever the hell that is – that he makes a mean chicken sub and that he’s so lonely he’s keen to offer himself up as a Jihadi bride in order to gain a greater understanding of the Jihadi mentality.

Lardy-Arse Al adds in his resume that he was never a bully at school and that on two days during his schooling he didn’t actually burst into tears when the girls all rejected his stilted advances, although on the rest he did. Adding that he detests “pedophiles” and that the time he tried to kiss his best friend Brad on the lips that day in the barn was all a big mistake.

If you ask us, it all sounds a bit weird, creepy and pervy. It’s almost as if these people are taking the piss out of us because they’re holding onto some stupid arsed grudge or other, and are just out to cause mischief and make Café Spike look stupid.

We’re stupid enough as it is thanks – we’ve been honing and developing our stupidity for years now, so knock it off or we’ll set the FBI on you again for being a cadre of aged sexually deviant weirdos. We have connections over there in Langley.

Just stick to your sad, tired world where nobody ever visits and cares even less.

Burgess Butthole

*No names have been mentioned in the articles in question but there’s nothing to say that such will remain the case. We win. As usual.


Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.