If Donald Trump Puts His Grubby Little Mitts On Me I’ll Rip His Nut Sack Off – Says Feisty Woman

What's that you say fat boy? - A woman off the telly - not the feisty one.

What’s that you say fat boy? – A woman off the telly – not the feisty one.

If Donald Trump lays his grubby mitts on me I’ll rip his nut sack off – says feisty woman

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

More Trump related tomfoolery as it comes in.



Salford Swearing Ban Could Raise Billions

What people imagine Salford looks like.

What people imagine Salford looks like.

The swearing ban, which is to be incorporated within a Public Space Protection Order (PSPO) forms part of Salford council’s strategy to curb anti-social behaviour in the city, with particular focus on Salford Quays. And according to local businessman Gary Meakin, it could raise billions.

Salford Quays is used on match days by thousands of Manchester United fans going to and from United matches at nearby Old Trafford, and the way United have been playing this season means the council have already missed out on a billion pounds or so.

“Of course a spot-fine system would have to be introduced and policed,” Mr Meakin explained. “And I’ve written to the council offering the services of my security agency. We’ll be coining it with a swearing ban in Salford because the fuckers who live here just can’t help themselves.

“Oh, shit…I just swore myself didn’t I? Bollocks…”

More as we get it

Martin Shuttlecock