Help Us To Save Nigel Farage

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet – still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Having heard that Nigel Farage has received death threats from anonymous sources and that he can’t go out in public without fearing for his personal safety we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and we’ve come up with a rather rollicking good plan to keep the sainted Lord Nigel alive and safe. But we need YOUR help.

We propose to commission a ten foot square steel cube with twelve inch thick walls and a big feeding tube attached and then put Nigel in it and bury it two hundred feet deep in Death Valley in his beloved USA, where he’ll be completely untouchable and safe from all the lunatics who wish him harm and threaten to loosen the wheel nuts on his car and suchlike.

Above ground we’ll install a pod containing a dozen highly trained SAS men to guard the feed tube and send Lord Nigel copious quantities of John Bull best bitter, Benson and Hedges, Pringles, salsa dip and regular copies of the DAILY EXPRESS so he can bask in the hero worship of his sycophantic fan base.

We reckon it’ll cost about £3 million but it’ll be money well spent if it keeps Nigel safe, and here’s where you come in…

Send us your donation now, the greater the sum the more it’ll make Saint Nigel safe from harm.

If you’d rather contribute towards maintaining Lord Nigel’s sartorial elegance you can contribute to our kit appeal, which may well keep the Good Lord Nigel in mustard coloured corduroy trousers, tasselled loafers, crombie coats (with velvet collars of course) and hacking jackets.

Send in YOUR donation NOW to KEEP Saint Nigel safe this Christmas and for years to come.

**UPDATE** We hadn’t factored into the financial costing a toilet facility, so PLEASE donate an extra £100 so that King Nigel can have a safe place to meditate.

After all – the last thing we’d want would be for Father Nigel to drown in his own effluence.

That would just be wrong.

Cafe Spike

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SAS To Keep Tabloids Up To Speed With Covert Ops Intel

A sniper pictured pointing a gun at something

A sniper pictured pointing a gun at something

The SAS today announced a groundbreaking deal to keep Britain’s tabloid press fully up to speed with all of its covert operations on an hourly basis.

The tabloids, desperate for some kind of positive spin on the middle east conflict appealed to the secretive regiment’s Commanding Officers to reveal lurid stories concerning anything involving killing the bad guys out there in the bombed out desert wasteland. Surprisingly the SAS promised to allow the press full access to all missions and promised absolute transparency.

Appearing at a press conference in Hereford, a man in a Captain’s uniform told assembled reporters:

“Of course we’ll keep the press fully informed at all times, because we appreciate that they’ll focus on honest documentation of our activities and not just make up lurid stories of their own involving snipers taking out the bad guys from impossible distances, sabotage operations behind enemy lines and black ops where our chaps go in disguised as locals and get involved in ferocious firefights with bloodthirsty jihadis.

“The regiment recognises that this is the way forward and understands that such levels of disclosure won’t really put our lads in actual danger of any kind. For example, we told the Daily Express ten minutes ago that we would be sending ten operatives into Raqqa, Syria disguised as women in order to set targets for bombing raids before neutralising two ISIS checkpoints in the city centre and being airlifted out of the combat zone by RAF Chinook helicopters on the eastern outskirts of the city.

“Our chaps are quite happy with the arrangement and the Daily Express have promised not to say anything that might compromise the mission, so everybody’s happy.”

At which point an irate farmer appeared as if from nowhere and ordered the assembled press corps to get off his land.

More as we get it.

Reporter: Hattie Bowler

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SAS Deny Involvement In Princess Diana Death

An SAS spokesman today vigorously denied recent allegations that the People’s Princess was assassinated by an unknown member of the British military, in order to prevent any possible future claim on the throne being made by people who probably have no right to such exclusive status. [Read more…]

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