Titchfield Mayor says he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Titchfield’s controversial Mayor, Barry Slade today appeared to back down from his earlier announcement banning all Park Gate residents from entering the village by saying that he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters – just the ones he doesn’t like.

“Once again I have been misunderstood, clearly misquoted and misconstrued. Largely, bigly, yugely,” Mayor Slade said today. “Oh yes. Misunderstood. Always happens, happens all the time…yes.

“I haven’t banned ALL Park Gaters from the village. I never exactly said that, never said I was banning all of them. Not all of them; I’ve been misrepresented by these, these fake media reports. What I said wasn’t what I meant. Not what I meant at all.

“I’m just banning the ones I don’t like, those I don’t get along with. Like that crook of an accountant who once ripped me off. Him and some others. I’ll make an announcement after my next announcement, which isn’t about the ban, but about something else entirely. Oh yes. But I’ll get the job done, you can rest assured of that. The job will be done. Whether people like it or not.”

More on this as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Fake News Websites aren’t doing the damage – it’s the ‘real’ ones

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

The proposal that fake news websites should be shut down, or shut out by social media outlets because they may or may not have exerted an undue influence over real life political issues and voting outcomes, one can’t help but wonder what goes on in the befuddled heads of our so-called leaders. [Read more…]

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Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.

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The Election Result Is Way Beyond Parody

We're All Hiding Mate - You Are Not Alone

We’re All Hiding Mate – You Are Not Alone

Most people who write for Café Spike have at one time or another published satirical news stories, parodies, lampoons, spoofs or whichever way you’d care to describe them. Some have been quoted in actual newspapers, like the Daily Telegraph, Metro (Although we aren’t quite sure that counts) and we’ve been mentioned on TV quite a few times. The most memorable for me was when Sky News announced that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, and Harry Potter author JK Rawling were all set to: “collaborate on a novel – more after the break.”

During the break somebody must have realised that the story was a piss-take, because they didn’t mention it again. So near, and yet so far… Almost had you there Kay Burley…damn it.

We’ve pretty much held back on the parody news scene since we got started, yet others continue to fill the void, sometimes with great wit and originality, other times maybe a bit less so – broadly meaning that they’re a bit shit. But over the course of the 2015 General Election in the UK, the world of online satire has been bountifully blessed with myriad virtual orchards hanging heavy with rich pickings.

We looked at this and we just thought – how the fuck do you lampoon something that’s already a spoof of a satire of a parody in the first place?

Was this election the politicians’ way of taking the piss out of us?

When you consider that the electorate actually voted for the lynchpins of the worst performing government for a century, that the electorate voted for £12 billion worth of cuts directed at the sick and vulnerable whilst the multi-billion earning corporations get away with paying a big fat zero in taxes and that we had national newspapers publishing tactical voting guides in order to prevent the possibility of some sort of Satanic alliance between Labour and the SNP, then parody becomes impossible.

The entire process has been one massive piss-take directed at a gullible British public, a dirty tricks campaign that plumbed the depths of depravity from the moment it got off the ground. The press went into overdrive, roundly slagging off anybody who posed the slightest threat to the future prosperity of the rich in their ivory towers. They already admitted that over the last five years the rich have got even richer, whilst everybody else – especially the “hard working” – have become progressively poorer.

And the Conservatives actually won a majority! How stupid are we as a nation?

Of course there were a few minorly humorous diversions – such as Nigel and his purple revolution only getting the one seat as opposed to the landslide his delusional followers were so confidently expecting. Nigel failing in his election bid (again) was another. George Galloway and Esther McVey losing their seats left us with a nice warm feeling, as did the resignations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, but truth is stranger than fiction, as the old adage goes, thus any attempt at parody would have been far less ironic or funny than the reality of it all.

At least the Scots didn’t fall for all the bullshit, but they’ll be the only ones chuckling over their porridge at breakfast time. For the rest of us the outlook is bleak.

Still, we could always move to Scotland, although the Scots would probably rip the piss out of us as well. Why not? We deserve it.

Paddy Berzinski

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It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski

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April Fool’s Day 2015 – Why We Haven’t Bothered

Silly Moo

Silly Moo

We went into this year’s April tomfoolery with pretty low expectations, and frankly speaking this year’s media offerings were uninspiring at best. We did actively consider running a spoof article or a hoax story but decided against it, for the simple reason that everybody and his mother do it. They crank them out like clockwork and almost without exception they’re a load of old crap.

This year we’ve had the old square eggs chestnut, bubble wrapping cars at safari parks, introducing hippos to the South Downs and trampoline aisles in Tesco stores.

Then we had the corporate entries – Marmite Clear, ice cold beer delivered to your door within 30 minutes by drone and dehydrated pizzas. (Just add water, they swell up and then pop them in the oven.) Probably the dumbest pizza related April Fool’s was put out by Dominoes – driverless delivery bikes.

Probably our favourite though was that the silent majority of long-suffering Brits appear to regard Z-list ‘celebrity’ Katie Hopkins as some sort of heroic figure bravely standing up to the scourge of political correctness. That can’t possibly be anything but an April Fool’s stunt, right? We’re no fans of Katie Hopkins – she’s offended just about everybody imaginable, as has been well documented over her brief career – but come on… She spouts crap because she gets paid to do so, and the more controversial the crap she spouts the larger the cheques will be – at least that’s what we think. It’s just a pity that people get so wound up about this woman, but they do – she even gets a mention here, although we’d much rather ignore her. Ho hum… We can be hypocritical arseholes too.

Where were we?

Oh yes…April Fool’s pranks.

When the BBC ran that spoof Panorama segment decades ago about the spaghetti harvest it was the greatest spoof ever, and will never be bettered. It was, and remains the benchmark and nothing since has ever had anything like the same impact. It was the ultimate April Fool’s prank.

Everything since has simply been a pale imitation – Wi-Fi enabled swimwear, flat-pack mobile phones, whatever. Dull and predictable.

Which is why we couldn’t be arsed. That, and the sad reality that we really aren’t all that clever.

Reporter: Martin Shuttlecock

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Britain First Left Bewildered By Latest Edition Of Charlie Hebdo

What Does It Mean?

What Does It Mean?

Unprecedented demand for the first edition of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, since the Paris massacre a week ago has resulted in an unprecedented print run of 2 million copies, one of which we brought back to London in the early hours of this morning. The 16 page edition continues the exuberant and anarchic tradition of the magazine, and to our surprise, one person who was chomping at the bit to read it was Britain First member Conan Templar.

“It’s anti-Muslamic innit?” Templar said as he examined the magazine. “That’s what it’s all about. Anything that’s anti-Muslamic is okay by me. I’m with Charlie Hebdo all the way, and wiv all them Frenchies what come out on the anti-Muslamic march on Sunday. Fair play to the old snail scoffers – they ain’t ‘avin’ it no more. ‘S a pity more of our own people aren’t filled up wiv the courage of their connections. We needs to make a stand and take our country back. Like wot the Frenchies are doin.’ They showed what they’re all abaht on Sunday – patriotism – not sittin’ abaht like hippies singing bladdy John Lydon peace songs.”

As Templar tucked into a pie n mash breakfast washed down with a mug of builder’s tea, his expression changed radically as he thumbed through the Charlie Hebdo magazine.

“What’s this crap?” Templar spluttered. “It’s all in bladdy foreign innit! Bladdy Frenchies! What’s up wiv ’em? Don’t they speak ‘er Majesty the Queen’s bleedin’ English or wot? This is no use to me Chief – can’t understand a bleedin’ word of it. Might as well be in hydroponics as far as I’m concerned. What a load of old shit!”

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

In the brave tradition of Sky News we can’t show you the cover of this edition of Charlie Hebdo because it would be irresponsible and we don’t want nutters with guns coming after us.

In related news, both Britain First and Fox News have been nominated as ‘Best New Comedy Act’ in the Perrier awards at the Edinburgh Festival.

Or so we’re told.

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Cafe Spike – Just 999,884 FB Likes Away From Our First Million

Help Café Spike Hit The Million. If They Do They've Promised Me Free Viagra For Life - Pele

Help Café Spike Hit The Magic Million. If They Do They’ve Promised Me Free Viagra For Life – Pele

There were jubilant scenes today at the offices of online magazine www.cafespike.com as the latest statistics showed that the site is only 999,884 Facebook ‘likes’ away from the benchmark of a cool million.

“We’re getting there,” Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock beamed as he cracked open a celebratory can of Special Brew. “It’s fair to say that it’s been a slow and somewhat laborious process building up our first Facebook million, but we’ve only been going for two years and we’ve got a hundred and sixteen FB ‘likes’ already, so we haven’t got far to go before we’re up there with the best of them, the high rollers like Britain First, the Conservative Party and Alan Titchmarsh.”

Web analyst Damon Strawbarn explained that although the website is performing well, progress on Facebook was initially somewhat ponderous.

“It was a bit ponderous at first,” Strawbarn said. “You see, the thing is that Facebook is a notoriously difficult market to crack, but the guys and gals are well on the way. A bit like the Beatles cracking America in the 60’s. I think the problem with Facebook is that the competition is so fierce. When you’re sharing mainly half-arsed comedy content on an ad free platform that doesn’t crash your computer or bombard you with advertising like some others, you just can’t compete with gripping pictures and clips of kittens and puppies doing stuff which quite frankly I find mundane and stupid. The same as people telling you what the weather’s like, how hungry they are at any given moment, or posting stupid selfies all day long.”

It would be fair to say that some Facebook users also find Café Spike mundane and stupid. The Editor in Chief of a prestigious satirical website complained that Café Spike suffers from verbal diahrroeah, and completely misses the point of satire by continually publishing long winded articles concerning what people had for their dinner that day, and that there isn’t enough foul language and full frontal nudity on the site. Or articles about being youthfully virile and masturbating into a sock.

“We aren’t a satire site though,” Shuttlecock responded. “We just do daft stuff and whatever appeals to the editorial team on any given day. As for the dearth of foul and abusive language – that usually depends on how drunk or stoned we happen to be at the time of publication. Sometimes we’re just not bothered. As for being virile and masturbating into socks; we can’t be arsed with all that. We’re a bit long in the tooth for all that malarkey.”

Stock market analyst Ferdinand Ponzi told speculative investors last night at a meeting at London’s renowned Grosvenor House Hotel that although the site’s owners aren’t actively seeking investment they’re a sure fire bet for speculators. “You can send them some money if you like,” he said. “But they’ll probably just spend it on something or other that makes no sense whatsoever.”

You can help the Café Spike fightback by liking our Facebook page and sharing our articles with your friends. Anything you can do to help us avoid paying those thieving bastards at Facebook to promote our page is much appreciated. If you’d like to contribute, you can either contact us or Martin Shuttlecock via Facebook, but don’t bother if your stuff is crap. We’re only interested in making you work hard so we don’t have to. Spread the word, drop us a comment. We’ll probably ignore you altogether, but that’s life.

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Je Suis Charlie – Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

Je suis Charlie, nous sommes tous Charlie. I am Charlie, we are all Charlie.

I was supposed to carry out some major updates on Café Spike yesterday; suffice to say that as events unfolded in Paris during and after the attack on the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, it got pretty hard for me to focus on humour. I didn’t feel it appropriate, out of respect for the victims who were callously murdered for having the temerity to poke fun at a religious Godhead.

Following my initial revulsion I looked at the footage with a slightly more clinical eye. The masked gunmen certainly didn’t appear to be the cowards the far right would have us believe. They acted with well drilled military precision, not dissimilar to a special forces unit or a SWAT team, and to my untrained eye my guess would be that they were wearing body armour, aside from being heavily armed. These guys looked like experienced urban fighters.

Why did they commit this atrocity? Sure, I can understand that they were righteously indignant over Charlie Hebdo’s blasphemous treatment of their spiritual leader, but the crux of the matter remains that 12 people were gunned down because the shooters couldn’t deal with the fact that somebody who didn’t share their beliefs had the audacity to mock them for their extreme fanaticism.

Mockery of the great and the good is something of a European tradition. We all do it, or at least most of us do, and we take it for what it is – poking fun at the pompous and the self-righteous. It’s called satire. Not many people do it well, but those who have perfected their craft do it very well indeed, often striking a nerve or two along the way. The vast majority of us just tend to have a laugh about it and then move on. It’s like a tennis match – you win a point, then you lose one. It’s just a game.

Nobody in their right mind would ever suggest that the Jimmy Carrs, Frankie Boyles or Russell Brands of this world should be murdered because they caused offence to a particular group or individual. Most people see it for what it is – a publicity stunt, or simply a bad error of judgement when men like these cause offence. We cringe inwardly occasionally and then we get on with our lives. It’s the British way, and the European way.

As the day unfolded, so began the arguments, from the guarded; “Charlie Hebdo knew what they were doing and they brought this on themselves” to the outright fanatical; “We should declare war on all Muslims.” My response to both of these reactions in turn would be – no they didn’t – and – no we shouldn’t.

My opinion obviously won’t carry a great deal of clout, and if I’m honest with myself it isn’t the most intellectual analysis, simply my own interpretation of what I see – as an ordinary Joe – going on in the world around me. I wouldn’t dream of condoning or justifying in any way what happened in Paris, but there is one word which sums up most of what I see as being wrong with the world:

Extremism.

Extremists of all stripes, be they right wing, left wing, Christian, Muslim, Governments, the global media, dictators, bankers, industrialists, power brokers, serial killers, paedophiles, – they all share a common and rather despicable human trait; they refuse to countenance any form of compromise, only believing in one way. Their own way. And to a man they are ruthless and ready to kill at the drop of a hat in order to pursue their own warped agendas. Most of us just want to live our lives in peace and freedom, yet the truth is that our freedoms are being chipped away at, and that our little piece of terra firma diminishes a little in size as the clock ticks through the days, weeks, months and years.

It’s been said that satire is the ultimate weapon of the weak against the powerful, but satire is just clever words and pictures – it doesn’t come equipped with body armour and assault rifles.

If the gun really is more powerful than the pen – no matter who is pointing that gun – then we may as well just put down our pens and wave the white flag as we are marched to our respective places of execution, for then the lunatics have not only taken over the asylum – they’ve started the purge.

Martin Shuttlecock. 07/01/2015

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