Red Ed Miliband fails bacon sandwich course

He's loving it - we don't think

He’s loving it – we don’t think

Red Ed, as he’s known to his chums and muckers has apparently failed a course dedicated to the preparation and consumption of bacon sandwiches which he enrolled on at the Bacon Butty Institute of Birmingham last month. Apparently Red Ed felt humiliated following his much publicised attempts to successfully consume a bacon sandwich a few months ago and enrolled on the course in an attempt to revive his flagging street-cred.

“Ed regrets ever being involved in that bacon butty stunt,” Toby Wolfe – a tutor at the BBIB – told us. “He looked on it as a career defining moment, and not in a good way.”

There is no doubt that Mr Miliband appeared to struggle negotiating a bacon sandwich, grimacing throughout as he chomped and chomped as if his life depended on it. All of which sort of dented his credibility as leader of a party which purports to represent working people.

“He’s not used to bacon butties,” Wolfe sighed. “He’s a north London toff like all the rest of them, another career politician who doesn’t really have a clue about anything. Unless you include gurning – he’s dead good at that. Anyway, he doesn’t eat bacon butties for breakfast; he eats muesli or something similar. He’s very big on fibre apparently.”

The course which Mr Miliband took encompassed all aspects of bacon butty making, all the way through selection of type of bacon, bread, and cooking procedures, followed up by sauce selection. It doesn’t look so difficult on paper, so how did our aspiring Prime Minister flunk the test?

“Frankly, he was bloody hopeless,” Wolfe sighed. “He wasn’t too bad at grilling the bacon and buttering the bread, but his sauce choices were appalling. He insisted on Hollandaise, and that just doesn’t work at all. He might have stood a chance if he’d gone with the traditional choice of ketchup or brown sauce, and when he tried to eat it – it was a disaster. He had a face on him like a bulldog chewing a pissy nettle, and that’s the kind of face that doesn’t resonate with working people, who tend to devour their bacon butties with relish. You can’t possibly have a British PM who doesn’t appreciate a bacon butty – that would be like having an Italian President who hates pasta.”

The way we see it is that you can’t trust a man who vows to eliminate ‘zero hours’ contracts when his own party is as guilty as all the rest of abusing workers, and you certainly can’t trust a man who merely pretends to enjoy tucking into a bacon sandwich.

So there.

Paddy Berzinski