Merkel Orders Britain To Stop Making Sausages In Brexit Backlash

No sausage, no bacon - project fear becomes a hellish reality.

No sausage, no bacon – project fear becomes a hellish reality.

Through the auspices of the EU, German leader Angela Merkel has demanded that British sausage makers either stop producing sausages forthwith or pay a per sausage licence fee to the German government of approximately £1.50 per sausage to the German government.

“Sausages are a German innovation,” said German MEP Herr Willy Flicka. “It is only right and correct that Britain pay a licence fee of £1.50 per sausage to the fatherland. When you were our friends before the Brexit vote – apart from that twat Farage – we were happy to let you make sausages as a gesture of our good will. But now you have made it abundantly clear that you don’t like us, so you can pay the licence fee, you Fockers.”

“This is a disaster for British sausage manufacturers,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’ll mean the price of a sausage sandwich or a hot dog will go up to around £10 a throw. It’s not good news for butchers or sausage manufacturers, and you can kiss your Cumberlands and your Lincs goodbye. As far as sausages go it’s game over. And all because we voted Brexit. It’s a crying shame really, but – on a positive note – at least the Germans haven’t invaded Poland yet.”

More on the Full English Breakfast crisis as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Have The Germans Really BANNED SAUSAGES?

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

SLAMMED!

According to the Sunday Express they have, but then according to reports in the EXPRESS there’s all manner of malarkey going on these days. The THREE MONTH ARCTIC WINTER they predicted never actually came about, and neither did the GIANT METEORITE cause GLOBAL DISASTER on Saturday night as predicted. Which tends to suggest that generally speaking the EXPRESS TALKS OUT OF ITS ARSE.

BLASTED!

The EXPRESS has form for this. Indeed the NATIONAL AND ONCE REPUTABLE news outlet appears to have abandoned responsible journalism in favour of blaming refugees and migrants for just about EVERYTHING imaginable. Such a travesty then that THE EXPRESS’s article of the month features a clip of some American bloke POPPING A MASSIVE ZIT, and drowning the screen in repulsive pus. Not forgetting THE EXPRESS’s really, really annoying USE OF BLOCK CAPS FOR SENSATIONALISM in just about every fucking bullshit headline they run.

SLAMMED AND BLASTED!

Oh, and not forgetting their rather weedy tactic of describing anyone with even the most minor of criticisms as SLAMMING this, or BLASTING that. What a load of old bollocks.

UKIP AND DONALD TRUMP BLASTED!

As if all that wasn’t enough they support UKIP – reporting every mouth-fart that Nigel ‘Mustard Pants’ Farage pollutes the atmosphere with. And they support Donald Trump – a Presidential candidate who seems more interested in convincing the American people that he doesn’t have small hands or a small dick than in actually saying anything relevant.

GERMANY SLAMMED AND BLASTED FOR BANNING SAUSAGES!

Just like the EXPRESS report concerning the full English breakfast ban – it’s just more bollocks from a poorly written, badly researched right-wing NATIONAL NEWS OUTLET that really should know better and act more responsibly, rather than pandering to its EDL and Britain First supporting readership of moronic neanderthals.

Just sayin’ like.

MS for cafespike.com

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Ed Miliband Vows To Protect British Sausages

Sausage Butties For All!

Sausage Butties For All!

Labour leader Ed Miliband promised yesterday to go all-out in defence of the traditional British banger in an off-the-record conversation with a London butcher last night.

Ernie Johnson, who runs a butchery business from a traditional butcher’s shop in west London stated that when he expressed concerns over the uncertain future of the British sausage in an increasingly multi-cultural society, Mr Miliband gave concrete assurances that he would fight tooth and nail in getting legislation passed in order to protect the great British banger.

“I was quite pleasantly surprised that he took our sausage welfare so seriously,” Mr Johnson related. “He seemed quite passionate about sausages, promising that our Cumberlands, Lincolnshires, Gloucester Old Spots, Pork and Apple, Suffolks and all that would have their heritage protected within the EU. A bit like what they do for champagne, Cornish pasties and Cheddar cheese. He even committed to protecting the blood sausages – such as black pudding – although on account of his ancestral background he probably wouldn’t ever actually eat any of them, unless it was for a photo opportunity.”

Which would appear to suggest that if you like a nibble on a juicy sausage from time to time then Red Ed’s your man and the Labour Party are your team.

“It’s funny,” said Mr Johnson. “And I suppose quite rewarding in a way that while all the other parties are squabbling about reducing the deficit, immigration concerns, the EU, terrorism and suchlike that Ed Miliband has the best interests of the great British public at heart by demonstrating his passion for the integrity and future of the great British sausage. It truly reveals that he is a man of the people. I was going to vote UKIP but Ed has turned my head around and now it’s Labour all the way for me. And all because of sausages. Amazing.”

We contacted Labour Central Office in order to get a response from Mr Miliband but he was out, so we asked the lady who answered the phone if she had any idea what Ed would be having for his tea today?

“Sausage butties of course!” she said, in a proper North-East accent. “Mr Miliband always has sausage butties for tea, with a bit fried onion, ketchup and a dash of English mustard.”

If that isn’t a vote-winner for Red Ed then we don’t know what is!

Martin Shuttlecock.

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