Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.



Leaked pic DOES NOT show Nigel Farage performing gay sex act

Nigel Farage - not really gagging for it.

Nigel Farage – not really gagging for it.

A leaked photograph of what appears to be Nigel Farage performing a gay sex act isn’t all that it appears to be, Cafe Spike’s science correspondent Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stated with a degree of confidence today, although the picture has been independently verified as being ‘untampered with and displayed in its original form,’ albeit completely out of context.

The picture, which has appeared on several US websites claiming that it depicts Nigel Farage about to perform a sex act upon US Presidential contender Donald Trump has caused shockwaves throughout the world, particularly among the LGBT community, who find it utterly incomprehensible why anyone in their right mind would want to suck off Donald Trump.

“There’s no disputing that it’s Nigel Farage in the photograph,” explained Professor Mist. “But it definitely isn’t Donald Trump’s cock hovering around Nigel’s mouth. The picture obviously depicts somebody’s finger, attached to a hand in the foreground with Nigel Farage in the background. Somebody has just trimmed and rotated the picture to make it look like something it really isn’t. I’m no fan of Nigel Farage but this is really trawling the depths of depravity.”

Although the image has been proven to be a gross and perverted interpretation of reality, 98% of male Daily Express comments section users said that they would perform oral sex on Nigel Farage or Donald Trump “if it was interpreted as an act of heroic patriotism,” 84% said they’d do them both, and 79% said they’d take one for the team.

But not in a gay way.


More as we get it.


Nigel Farage is a fetishist who wears his wife’s lingerie

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife's panties.

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife’s panties.

He may look like a bullfrog with his big mouth and his patronisingly idiotic grin but there’s more to UKIP leader Nigel Farage than meets the eye, for underneath those daft suits, velvet collared crombie coats and mustard coloured corduroy trousers (hence the term “Mustard Pants”) Nigel Farage hides a dirty secret.

For underneath that thin veneer of city gent respectability, Nigel Farage is wearing his wife’s knickers, suspender belt and black fishnet stockings.

So says Theresa Florentine, a freelance journalist from Aston, who claims Farage admitted his kinky secret during a drinking binge in a Brussels gay bar, just a stone’s throw away from the EU Headquarters where Farage – who claims to understand the fishing business – can hardly ever be arsed to attend policy setting meetings on behalf of the brave members of Britain’s fishing fleet.

When pressed further, Ms Florentine stated categorically that it was “without any shadow of a doubt” Nigel Farage who made the stunning confession.

“He was as pissed as a fart and he just blurted it out,” she said. “At least I think it was Nigel Farage – it could have been anybody really because I was a bit plastered myslef – but sod it. There’s been so much scaremongering and bullshit flying around over this referendum bollocks that I thought the British public deserve to know what Nigel Farage is really like. If it wasn’t him I apologise unreservedly, but let’s face it – the man’s a cunt anyway. All he ever does is prey on people’s fears by demonising migrants. Where’s your tax return then Nigel, you mustard panted prick? Eh? Eh?”

At which point we terminated the interview as Ms Florentine collapsed in a heap and banged her head on a table.

Cafe Spike – bringing you the true face of this bollocks referendum.

Whose round is it?

More as we get it.



‘I don’t get what Vernon sees in her,’ says man

We don't get it either.

We don’t get it either.

In the wake of TV personality Vernon Kay’s recent sexting revelations, a Glasgow man slammed the TV star saying that he can’t understand what he sees in the glamour model who is the subject of the rumpus. [Read more…]


Footballer says he’s no love-rat

Not a footballer pictured a while back.

Not a footballer pictured a while back.

Dean Float, star midfielder for the Brickmakers Arms in the Accrington and District Sunday League defied those who stereotype star footballers as cheating love rats by announcing on Twitter that he is not, nor has ever been, a cheating love rat.

“I’m an accomplished footballer and I’m not and never have been a cheating love rat,” he wrote last night, sparking a Twitter storm with many women angrily saying that all footballers are cheating love rats and there’s just no escaping it. FACT.

Mr Float continued to deny that he was a love rat and got involved in several bad tempered exchanges with his followers.

“I think I won the argument in the end,” Mr Float said. “When I announced that I couldn’t possibly be a cheating love rat because so far I’ve never had a girlfriend. I don’t think it’s because I’m spectacularly ugly to look at or anything like that; it probably has more to do with me using all my spare time either playing football, training, or playing GTA on the X-Box.”

Kevin Trump


George Osborne Might Have Snorted Cocaine Off My Bare Tits – Bradford Prostitute

We couldn't print a picture of the prostitute so you'll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

We couldn’t print a picture of the prostitute so you’ll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

A Bradford prostitute who we can’t name for legal reasons has suggested that the Chancellor Of The Exchequer might have snorted high grade cocaine off her tits at a sordid sex party held in a West End Hotel.

The revelation came as the 58 year old woman appeared at Bradford Magistrates Court on a charge of not having a valid TV licence. When asked if she had anything to say in her defence she alleged that George Osborne might have snorted cocaine off her tits one time and that if such a thing had actually happened it could well have been the mitigating factor that sent her into a downward spiral of poverty and depravity.

Rejecting the claim, the magistrates found the woman guilty as charged and ordered her to pay a £200 fine and attend psychiatric counselling.

We managed to catch up with the woman outside the court complex to ask if there was any truth in her sordid allegation.

“Course it’s true,” she insisted. “I’ve had loads of politicians, pop stars, actors and telly presenters snort coke off me tits in me time. Osborne was one of ’em for sure. There’s nowt wrong wi’ my memory love. That Jeremy Hunt were a bugger for a bit o’ back door action, Iain Duncan Smith used to get a kick out of chaining me to a radiator and beating me swede in wi’ a baseball bat and Cameron’d ask us to fluff him up before he give it rice wi’ an ‘am shank afore he sniffed coke off me tits. It’ll all come out one day. Mark my words.”

We can’t be 100% certain that she was telling the truth, but nothing surprises us any more. Heaven help us all.

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike


Where Are The Iain Duncan Smith Revelations?

IDS and his big baldy nut - keeping a low profile

IDS and his big baldy nut – keeping a low profile

In the light of potentially damaging allegations directed at the Prime Minister by Lord Ashcroft about performing a sex act on a pig’s head, which we can’t possibly go into here because they may not be true, questions are being asked regarding DWP chief Iain Duncan Smith. Questions such as: “If David Cameron actually did perform a sex act on a pig’s head, then what on earth might Iain Duncan Smith have got up to in his misspent youth?”

Often described as ‘the most hated man in Britain’ and frequently accused by his detractors of being a dangerous psychopath, speculation is mounting as to what IDS may or may not be guilty of. What is known is that he has lied to the people in fictional DWP leaflets and has attempted to suppress the release of figures regarding the numbers of people who died shortly after being pronounced fit for work whilst ill and subsequently having their benefit payments sanctioned.

Often compared with a shark, and described by those who claim to know him as ‘not the sharpest tool in the box’ IDS is currently the subject of much speculation about where he might have put his penis, and how weird it may have been. Of course it’s all just speculation at this stage, but it’s fair to state that the IDS haters are coming out of the woodwork and asking some pretty awkward questions.

“I don’t know if he’s ever been to an aquarium,” one critic remarked. “But as we’re on the subject of bestiality I could imagine IDS trying to fuck a great white shark or suck off a dolphin. Not that I can say so with any authority of course, because I simply don’t know. But I wouldn’t put anything past that dodgy bastard.”

“He must have done something seriously disgusting,” a left wing journalist said. “They all must have. They’re just not what we’d call ‘normal,’ what with their Uni drinking clubs, their alleged drug abuse and penile invasions of all manner of things, living and dead during their initiation ceremonies. Personally I’m not a gambling man but if I was, I’d have a tenner on IDS being involved in encounters with some form of aquatic organism, probably involving ropes and fishing nets.”

We sent an email to the House of Commons asking if Iain Duncan Smith had done anything to be deeply embarrassed about in his murky past but so far nobody has responded.

So we sent another one advising IDS to come clean because sooner or later the awful truth would come out and it would be for the best if he just admitted something and took it on the chin, like a man, but nobody responded to that either.

“I’m not sure to be honest,” a pretty well known TV news anchor told us. “But the bloke who said about fucking a great white shark or sucking off a dolphin seems to have it on the money in my book.”

In the meantime, as we wait with bated breath, we still don’t know for certain whether or not Lord Ashcroft’s allegations regarding the Prime Minister shafting a pig’s napper are true or not.

However, the smart money suggests that Iain Duncan Smith is currently shitting himself.

Ted Pemberton.


Don’t Mention The Prime Minister And The Pig

Not quite a pig's ear of it.

Not quite a pig’s ear of it.

What is it with our political leaders and pigs? Ed Miliband gained notoriety for his agonised expression during the run up to the General Election as he manfully attempted to eat a bacon sandwich, and now David Cameron… As disturbing revelations surface in a tell-all book by Cameron’s former chum Lord Ashcroft, it’s probably better not to mention the pig.

Nationwide, people are spluttering over their toast and marmalade at the breakfast table as the pig story hits the headlines. Can it be true? Could a serving Prime Minister have once done something unspeakable with a pig?

Was it just the head?

Or was the body attached?

And what of the legs?

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

These are questions probably best left unanswered. We don’t know what happened because we weren’t there, so for us to comment or pass judgement over what may or may not have happened according to an uncorroborated allegation would simply be wrong.

Although why anybody would want to do such a thing with a dead pig’s head remains a mystery to us. Where’s the motivation? Who could possibly stand by and watch a rich toff allegedly plonk his old chap in a dead pig’s mouth and perform a sex act on it and find such an act clever or even mildly amusing?

What’s the point?

Did nobody have the presence of mind to take a metaphorical step back and suggest quietly to our future PM that fucking a dead pig’s head might not be such a good idea? Especially in front of witnesses?

“Hang on Dave old chap, before you… ahem… rise to the occasion, so to speak, it might be a good idea to think this through. There are witnesses for a start, and Binky over there has a camera. Be warned. One day you may become Prime Minister, participate in high level meetings with powerful international leaders. You might even get to meet the Pope! Do you honestly think these people in the future will respect some chap who once shagged a dead pig’s head? And if you get married and have kids? Your kids will never live it down at school, and your future wife will never be completely at ease with you in moments of intimacy knowing you’ve podged a porker’s nut. She’s going to wonder where the bloody hell else you’ve put it. You can maybe get over the weed and the Charlie allegations but if you poke that dead pig’s gob you’ll never live it down.”

Or something along those lines at least.

But apparently not. At least if Lord Ashcroft is to be believed. Of course it remains a possibility that Lord Ashcroft is just a bitter and twisted individual with a malicious agenda.

We don’t know if these allegations are true or not, but we’ll certainly never look at the Prime Minister again without a vague feeling of unease.

Paddy Berzinski, Oink Oink News Corporation.


Prince Andrew Has An Early Night – Have Your Say

This Woman Says She Has Nothing To Do With Anything Which May Or May Not Have Happened. Do You Believe Her?

This Woman Says She Has Nothing To Do With Anything Which May Or May Not Have Happened. Do You Believe Her?

Reports are coming in that Prince Andrew had an early night last night at an undisclosed UK location. The Prince, who recently returned from a skiing holiday in the Alps in order to deal with something or other, allegedly told a palace aide that he was ‘wiped out’ and that he was going to turn in early with a mug of hot chocolate and a good book. At this point details are sketchy as to what the book might have been, but a trusted insider told us in confidence that it would probably have been something historical.

The Prince – who categorically has never, at any point, behaved in any way inappropriately – has recently attracted an avalanche of online criticism for not getting any online criticism after news websites reported that he hasn’t actually done anything, and that they were unable to accept reader comments on the subject in case somebody suggests that he has.

“He’s painted himself into a corner here,” said notorious online troll Winifred Battle. “If he hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s completely innocent of all the allegations which haven’t been made, then what does he have to hide?”

Quite frankly here at Café Spike we have no idea.

What do you think?