Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.


Northern England to bid for independence






Liverpool at night.

Liverpool at night.

With the Scottish independence vote now just a matter of hours away it’s all well and good tossing politicians and celebrities into the fray in support of the ‘No’ vote, but many observers on both sides of the border consider it a case of ‘too little too late’ and are left wondering if the ‘better together’ movement truly understand why millions of ordinary people want rid of the Westminster government.


Now we can exclusively reveal that the north of England is all set to follow Scotland’s lead and lobby for independence, although at this point in time the plans are said by campaigners to be in the embryonic stage.


“This isn’t about hating the south,” one campaigner revealed. “It’s about having the power to govern our own decision making processes and carve out our own future. It isn’t about hating the Tories or UKIP either – although admittedly most of us aren’t that keen on either of them. What it’s really about is getting shot of the wasters in Westminster. And if Scotland can do it, we’re prepared to give it our best shot.”

Drug Fuelled Orgies

A straw poll conducted by Café Spike revealed that over 90% of the population above the imaginary north/south divide which runs invisibly from The Wash to the Bristol Channel strongly believe that Westminster based MP’s spend far too much time fiddling expenses, attending drug fuelled orgies, going on Celebrity Big Brother or joining paedophile gangs. “They’re out of touch,” campaigner Bill Dobbs said yesterday. “They certainly aren’t doing what they’re paid to do. They seem to be more interested in dressing up in stockings and suspenders and having their arses whipped by fat prostitutes in underground brothels than they do in creating jobs – unless the jobs they create are for family members. The whole place (Westminster) stinks of corruption, spilt champagne and rubber johnnies. It’s nothing but a den of iniquity and we want out too.”

My Arse

“Better together my arse,” scoffed Liverpool-born campaigner Barry Millet. “They tried to strangle the North under Thatcher, and Cameron’s no better. The clown wanted to tax pies and stuff. How sick is that? We should go it alone like; sever all ties with London. For me the pie or pasty tax was the final straw. Why didn’t they try to tax canapés, eh? Eh? The UK has been systematically screwed for decades because the politicians are all in it for the back-handers dispensed by their banker masters. Did you ever see ‘Boys From The Black Stuff’? Did yer? Eh? Eh? Get rid of ’em I say!”


Opposition to an independent North of England is growing steadily. Mainly in the South. “They can’t declare independence,” Hector Strang-Burleigh who lives in Wimbledon said. “What will happen to the football? My chums and I are all avid Manchester United supporters. A devolved north would be disastrous for us. Still, I expect we could hit back by getting all my insider chums in the city to cook the books and transfer the funds to Chelsea. And what this has to do with the BBC is a complete mystery to me.”

Palace Of Westminster pictured one Sunday

Palace Of Westminster pictured one Sunday

Environmental Concerns

“We’ve got some quite cosmopolitan cities up north,” campaigner Derek Tother told us. “There’s Newcastle, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester, Sheffield, Nottingham, Derby, Birmingham, Coventry, Hull – nah, strike that. Hull’s about as cosmopolitan as Grimsby. Mind you, it does have a whopping great bridge and that can’t be a bad thing. Crucially we’ve also got the infrastructure, with a good road and rail network, international airports and huge industrial capacity. When it comes to natural resources we’ve got gas and loads of coal, although I’m not so sure about opening coal mines again because it would probably raise environmental concerns with the greens.”

Not Wanted

“As far as I’m concerned mate they can all sod off,” London market trader Tommy Trickett said. “We don’t want ’em and we don’t bloody need ’em either. Bloody northern monkeys…all they’re fit for is digging bleedin’ coal up and signing on the dole. Lazy mugs to a man. I hope they do decide to cut loose – save the rest of us hard working proper Englishmen a bloody fortune. Bloody flat caps, ferrets, whippets and all that malarkey; who needs it? And once we’ve got rid of that bloody rabble we can get cracking with the Welsh and all.”


“I wish northern England all the very best in its bid for independence,” Scottish ‘Yes’ campaigner Alec Salmon (No relation) of Inverness commented. “But I agree with Tommy Trickett. We don’t want anything to do with them either. They all talk funny and they have some strange habits.”


“I’d like to reassure the good people of the north who have been mistakenly led to believe that there are certain institutions under threat,” said a leading independence campaigner. “We can offer cast iron guarantees that we will not ban black pudding, dog fighting, badger baiting, curry houses, kebab shops or working mens’ clubs. That would be biting the dog that feeds you.”

More as it comes in.


Dear Scotland – An open letter from Cafe Spike

Dear Scotland,

Oh No! They're Onto Us!

Oh No! They’re Onto Us!


Being based in England Café Spike has no intention of trying to influence the Independence vote one way or the other. It’s your decision entirely and being the canny lot you are we have no doubts whatsoever that you will all vote for what’s best for Scotland. However, we do have certain concerns which we would like to see addressed whichever way the vote goes.

If you vote ‘Yes’ and opt for independence there are certain Scottishy things which we hope we will continue to be allowed to enjoy, and some others which we aren’t really all that keen on.


Will we still be okay to wear kilts at weddings and stuff like that or will it only be for proper Scottish people? Quite frankly we like kilts, and sporrans are dead handy for keeping your mobile, baccy tin, lighter, condoms and your wallet in, and the whole outfit looks dead good on the pictures after. Plus it’s good for kicking off conversations with the ladies, who invariably want to know if you’re wearing underpants underneath.


We like haggis. We like it a lot. We hope you won’t start a haggis embargo in the event of a ‘yes’ vote. Same goes for white pudding, shortbread, Scotch eggs, Aberdeen Angus beef, kippers, whisky, salmon and trout. Us lot down south don’t want to lose these things, although we’re not all that bothered about tatties and neeps, so you can keep them.


If it’s a ‘Yes’ vote we sincerely hope that you don’t decide to ban Billy Connolly or Kevin Bridges from making us laugh down here. We like them. The Big Yin might be knocking on a bit these days but he’s a comedy genius and still one of the best in the world. We’re still not sure about Frankie Boyle yet, especially that big ginger beard but he has his moments so we hope you’ll let him out from time to time. We’d prefer it if you keep the Krankies safely under lock and key in Edinburgh Castle or a similar secure environment, although Barlinnie may be a little harsh on your part.

The Fitbaw

When Rangers eventually get back into the SPL it would be nice of you to let us watch the Auld Firm games on the telly down here. It’s nice to see two teams taking the beautiful game seriously and in previous encounters there’s been some spectacular fighting among the fans, both on and off the park. It would also be interesting to see which flags the fans would favour after a ‘Yes’ vote because obviously the Union Jack would be redundant, as would the Irish flag. Maybe that one hasn’t really been thought through yet, but we’re confident that there will be contingency plans in place.

More Fitbaw (We like Fitbaw)

When your fitbaw players get dead good, as has happened in the past with the likes of Denis Law, Jim Baxter, Paddy Crerand, Kenny Dalglish, Joe Jordan, Charlie Cooke, Charlie Nicholas we’ll have ’em doon here. But not necessarily Gordon McQueen who was a nice enough bloke when he wasn’t having a rush of blood to the heed. When that happened he’d get the ball, put his heed down and run like somebody possessed – frequently over the touchline, up the Stretford end terraces, over the back, and off into Trafford Park. More than once he had to be rescued from the ship canal down by Barton Dock and that was a wee bit embarrassing. Still, it made us laugh. And a laugh is worth a thousand pictures.

Your Scenery

We hope you’ll continue to allow us to enjoy the beautiful scenery of the Highlands and Islands. Don’t go covering it in concrete and putting up stupid buildings shaped like spikes, cheesegraters, walkie-talkies or any of that nonsense. We aren’t all that bothered about Paisley, or Govan or Leith but we like the country bits so we’d rather like to pop up from time to stock up on duty-free fags, booze and baccy, but we’d appreciate it if you’d take steps to control the English toffs who come up there shooting birds and deer when the weather’s nice. Nobody wants to get shot by accident.

Duty Free

Assuming you get independence we hope that you’ll become a duty free tax haven and welcome visitors from the impoverished north of England who want to stock up on cheap booze and baccy, and not impose punitive levels of taxation like those big foreheaded Tory tossers in Westminster do. It’s all well and good when you go taxing drink by the unit if you’re a well heeled Tory billionaire toff who only drinks two glasses of wine with dinner of an evening but it’s fucking crippling when you’re on benefits and buying Stella Artois by the case. Us normal English people hope you newly independent Scots will enter into the spirit of things and get dead sensible about booze and fags. And while you’re at it you could lift that daft smoking ban – pubs have smelt like somebody is cooking really crap food in a toilet since the days when the malodorous whiffs were stifled by tobacco smoke.


To be fair you can keep most of it. It’s probably a psychological thing, but more than one Café Spike staffer was traumatised in childhood by Andy Stewart’s White bastard Heather Club Hogmanay shows. Simple Minds were okay and Fairground Attraction were a bit of a giggle. The Sensational Alex Harvey Band were pretty good, but then Alex snuffed it. We can even live with Midge Ure and the Ultravox thing at a pinch but not the Proclaimers – quite frankly we don’t give a toss about how many hundred miles they walk or where they send their letters from. We’ll have that Ian Roberts chap though, if that’s okay with you. His Sweetlove Butterfly tune defined summer for us. We aren’t all that keen on Susan Boyle either to be honest, but if you’re a bit short we can send you One Direction and Simon Cowbell, although admittedly it’s a pretty crap trade but we shouldn’t have to suffer alone.


According to Kevin Bridges you’ll adopt the Smackaroonie as your official currency. We think that’s a good idea – well done Mr Bridges. You could put Sean Connery on the 50, Billy Connolly on the 20, Alexander Graham Bell on the 10, John Logie Baird on the 5 and Alan Hansen on the 1 Smackaroonie coin in order to scare visitors going to Edinburgh on ghost walks.

Fred The Shred

Banker. You can keep him. You can have all ours too if you like. None of them do anybody any favours. Ever.

Empire Building

If you’re going for independence it’s probably a good idea to adopt an expansionist policy. Build an empire. It worked for the Romans, the British, and the Russians. Empires mean power. You could start with the Norwegians – most of them can’t work fag machines – so they’d be ripe for the picking. Then the English, but only the sensible ones who come from the north of a line drawn across that Godforsaken country between the Wash and the Bristol Channel. Yorkshire’s likely to be a bit of a conundrum but nothing is ever easy. Ireland would be easily persuaded to tag along providing having the craic of a weekend is made compulsory between Tuesdays and Sundays. Most of Europe would probably align themselves too, because they’re generally quite easy going and probably hate Cameron, Clegg and Farage more than you do. Besides – the French haven’t mastered haggis, proper kippers or white pudding yet, and that really bugs them. Once that’s done, the Russians would be easy – a few pints of heavy and a packet of scratchings and Putin would be putty in your hands.

And that’s about it for the moment from us. Suffice to say that if you do go it alone we’ll be right with you in spirit. In fact we’d go even further and suggest that we lop off the crap bits of England, stick all the politicians and the bankers on it and cast it adrift. Although all that hot air would probably accelerate global warming to an intolerable degree.

Thank you Scotland, and in the words of Spike Lee – do the right thing.

Although you might have to rebuild that wall thing to keep us all out. A bit like our American cousins do with Mexico.