Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.



Leaked pic DOES NOT show Nigel Farage performing gay sex act

Nigel Farage - not really gagging for it.

Nigel Farage – not really gagging for it.

A leaked photograph of what appears to be Nigel Farage performing a gay sex act isn’t all that it appears to be, Cafe Spike’s science correspondent Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stated with a degree of confidence today, although the picture has been independently verified as being ‘untampered with and displayed in its original form,’ albeit completely out of context.

The picture, which has appeared on several US websites claiming that it depicts Nigel Farage about to perform a sex act upon US Presidential contender Donald Trump has caused shockwaves throughout the world, particularly among the LGBT community, who find it utterly incomprehensible why anyone in their right mind would want to suck off Donald Trump.

“There’s no disputing that it’s Nigel Farage in the photograph,” explained Professor Mist. “But it definitely isn’t Donald Trump’s cock hovering around Nigel’s mouth. The picture obviously depicts somebody’s finger, attached to a hand in the foreground with Nigel Farage in the background. Somebody has just trimmed and rotated the picture to make it look like something it really isn’t. I’m no fan of Nigel Farage but this is really trawling the depths of depravity.”

Although the image has been proven to be a gross and perverted interpretation of reality, 98% of male Daily Express comments section users said that they would perform oral sex on Nigel Farage or Donald Trump “if it was interpreted as an act of heroic patriotism,” 84% said they’d do them both, and 79% said they’d take one for the team.

But not in a gay way.


More as we get it.


Busty Polish Migrant Slams Brexit Voters Hypocrisy

She just doesn't understand it all.

She just doesn’t understand it all.

Polish sex industry worker Kataryna Zaberze today lashed out at Brexit voters, labelling them as “stupid and hypocritical.”

Ms Zaberze, who lives in a £2.4 million Chelsea townhouse made no bones about her feelings on migrant hating Brits.

“I said they were stupid and hypocritical and I stand by that,” she said today. “They all claim to hate migrants yet whenever I go to a pub or a club or even out shopping at Waitrose they’re all over me like rash. What is wrong with these people? Usually they are telling me that they despise migrants and want them all sent home, but for some reason they make an exception for me. I just don’t understand that mentality at all.

“Quite frankly nor do I understand why they never seem to be able to look me straight in the eye. They just gawp at my cleavage and I find that very weird and a little bit disconcerting.”

More migrant based malarkey as we get it.



Spurned Husband Gives Love Rival Dirty Look

A happily married couple pictured in 1970's Torquay

A happily married couple pictured in 1970’s Torquay

Spurned husband, Julian Whiterock – who has been accused by his soon to be ex-wife, Jane Whiterock of being boorish, self centred, controlling, obsessive, slightly psychopathic, megalomaniacal and sexually deviant – got one over on his love rival by giving him a dirty look upon encountering him in the sliced bread aisle of a local supermarket.

The Whiterocks, who are in the process of divorcing since Julian’s behaviour became impossible to tolerate face a difficult situation, given that Jane has started seeing another man.

“I’m not having it,” Julian raged at the wet fish counter. “She married me for richer, for poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health and that’s how things are and always will be. I know it’s rather unusual having a love triangle showdown in a supermarket but when I saw my wife with that man in the bread aisle something inside me snapped, and I gave him the dirtiest of dirty looks. This isn’t over yet, believe me.”

Jane Whiterock countered that Julian had treated her like shit for the most part of their marriage and that he’d refused to respond to counselling, or to change his ways.

“So what?” Julian fumed. “I’m the man of the house aren’t I? AND THAT is why I gave him the dirty look. Quite frankly he deserves it.”

The ‘other man’ in the tormented love triangle, Stephen Richardson reported that he hadn’t even noticed that Julian Whiterock was simultaneously shopping in the same supermarket, and claimed not to have noticed either Julian or the reported dirty look.

“I didn’t even notice that Julian was there,” said Stephen Richardson, the ‘other man.’ “And I don’t mean to appear rude but we’ll be approaching the checkout soon and I want to get some Belgian buns, a Ben and Jerry’s, an Eton Mess and a bottle of Courvoisier for Jane for when we spend Saturday night in watching a movie. She likes stuff like that. Toodle pip.”

“Don’t think you’ve heard the last of this,” Julian seethed at the checkout. “I’ve just bought her a foot spa, three cans of deodorant, a packet of corn plasters and a cook book by Rick Stein. There’s only ever going to be one winner in this love triangle. You’ll see.”

*Renowned TV chef Rick Stein was unavailable for comment but witnesses reported seeing Jane Whiterock leaving the supermarket carpark accompanied by Stephen Richardson in a Volkswagen Golf at roughly the same time Julian Whiterock crashed his BMW into a petrol pump.

If it’s any consolation we don’t know what any of this means either.

Cafe Spike.


Fifty Year Old Virgin Can’t Wait For Fifty Shades Opening

Press Previews Proved Too Much For Some Critics

Press Previews Proved Too Much For Some Critics

Avid Fifty Shades Of Grey fan Aaron Kay says he simply can’t wait to see the movie realisation of the book he’s read at least thirteen times, despite a host of negative reviews posted on mainstream and social media websites. Our own reviewer, Ted Pemberton refused point-blank to attend the film’s opening, saying that he’d rather scrape the skin off his own shins with a potato peeler than spend time watching the allegedly boring bondage epic, but superfan Aaron isn’t in the least put off.

“Fifty Shades opened my eyes to a whole new world,” he told us. “This whole sex business is absolutely fascinating, even though I’ve never actually ‘done it’ with a real life woman yet. Unless you count Katya, my lifelike silicone sex doll. But I’ll tell you this for nothing: When I do start ‘doing it’ with a real life lady it’ll be bondage all the way for me. I’ve already got a bit of practice in by duct taping my Dad’s dog’s back legs together and though I say it myself I’m really getting rather good at it. I can’t wait to see the movie. I reckon it’s going to give me loads of ideas, and when it comes out on DVD I’ll buy an exercise book and pen and take notes. I’d love to read the book again but I can’t just yet because my copy is worn out. I’ll have to get another – I’ve put an order in at the charity shop but I’m not paying more than two pound for it.”

Aaron’s cousin, Michelle told us in strict confidence that the probable reason Aaron is still a virgin at the ripe old age of fifty can probably be attributed to two major factors.

“For one thing, it’s about the physical side,” she said. “He isn’t an attractive man and he doesn’t take care of himself. He’s a fat bastard with bad hair and an aversion to cleanliness. He stinks like the bottom of a rat’s cage for starters. And then there’s always been a rogue gene in the family line. We’re all a bit weird sexually. Aaron’s into bondage and I’m into bestiality – with Shetland ponies – but don’t print that bit or they won’t let me go up the stables any more.”

At which point we’d heard quite enough, thank you very much, so we made our excuses and left.

In the words of the late, great Poly Styrene out of X-Ray Specs: Oh bondage! Up yours!


Martin Shuttlecock – Surfing The Net For Porn

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

Failing satirist, buffoon of long standing, idiot, pariah, awful cook, bad husband, and beer guzzling, chain smoking idiot, Martin Shuttlecock, today embarked upon a lunatic quest intended to promote failing comedy website

By hitting the lowest common denominator…and surfing the net for porn.

Here, he explains the illogicality of his quest:

“I needed the hits. So porn seemed the logical option. Everybody likes a bit of porn now and again, unless you’re a Caramelesque nun or something…”

Shuttlecock then went on to explain how he surfed the net for top quality porn in the interests of reaping in a gazillion hits on his favourite website, and thus restoring his much maligned reputation as a humourist of the lowest order…but only when his long suffering wife had retired for the night.

“I couldn’t have done this with her looking over my shoulder,” he confided. “She’d go fucking mental and probably hit me over the head with a cast iron skillet. Or something.”

Armed only with a hand written list of dodgy porn sites, which his workmate, Dave, had scribbled on the back of a works scrap sheet, Shuttlecock set about his task in the early hours of this morning.

“I had to pluck up a bit of Dutch courage before setting out on my mission,” he explained. “Luckily there were a couple of cold ones in the fridge. I downed the first one in double-quick time, and then poured out the second, ready, should I need it.”

Shuttlecock steeled himself, preparing for the worst, (Because his mate, Dave, is a man of dubious tastes.) and then logged on to his laptop. He went on to peruse 20 internet porn sites in quick succession.

Here’s what he found:

1 – Some bloke smoking a pipe and talking Italian. Wearing a sombrero. Having a J Arthur. Yuck!

2 – A panoramic shot of the Ventura Freeway in Los Angeles. Starring some cars and some fairly hectic smog.

3 – Some fat bloke kissing a blonde girl’s arse. In 1979.

4 – A blonde American woman with unnaturally large and curiously shaped breasts, straddling a pommel horse, shouting her head off, rolling her head around and swearing a lot.

5 – A brunette, licking her painted lips, panting something or other in French and sucking on a fag. Smoking ban, no surprise, looking at this.

6 – Some callow youth, peeping through a window. At night time. A bit like a stalker. Out of the Police’s ‘Every Breath You Take.’

7 – That looks really uncomfortable…they’re gonna be aching all over the shop in the morning.

8 – Is that a? Oh dear…oh deary me…that’s just wrong on every level.

9 – Some people in a bar…talking German. Interesting, this one, there’s a dating ad on the side for my local area with some fat bird in glasses who looks suspiciously like that woman who works up the shops.

10 – Oh my God! That must be fake.

11 – That looks painful…

12 – Some bird kissing some bloke’s hairy arse. Put me off me beer that has. Right proper.

13 – A blonde girl wearing a cowboy outfit riding a horse, but a window on the side asking me if I want to talk dirty…as if…Maybe it’s one of them internet trolls.

14 – Not sure about this one. Looks like a dozen octopuses tentacle wrestling. Very confusing. And slimy.

15 – Some French girl in a maid’s outfit serving dinner to a baldy bloke with a badly fitting syrup. Wonder why she’s crawling under the table? Baldy bloke probably dropped his fork. Not sure now whether he’s smiling or in agony. V strange.

16 – I’d never have believed a grown man would want to do such a thing with a live chicken. That’s SICK.

17 – Ah, a vampire. Hang on…I thought he was supposed to bite the girl’s neck!

18 – Prison. A man’s prison. Someone taking a shower…ooh err! Not keen on that one. I’m not homophobic or anything, but I could have done without that. Thankyou very much!

19 – A cartoon! It’s the Simpsons! By the bloody left! I never realised Ned Flanders had it in him! Homer will go mental if he ever finds out what Marje has been up to!

20 – Hang on! That’s me Nan! Cut! Turn the bastard thing off!

Shuttlecock sums up:

“This porn lark’s all well and good if you like that sort of thing. But it’s all a bit samey, and repetitive. Like Status Quo, or watching Arsenal in the eighties. Or writing the same book a hundred times over and just changing the names. All in all, I think porn’s a bit pointless. Like watching the Food Channel when you’re hungry and the cupboard is bare.”

More as we get it.

*You can follow Café Spike on Facebook if you like. Frankly we could do with the support.