If Donald Trump Puts His Grubby Little Mitts On Me I’ll Rip His Nut Sack Off – Says Feisty Woman

What's that you say fat boy? - A woman off the telly - not the feisty one.

What’s that you say fat boy? – A woman off the telly – not the feisty one.

If Donald Trump lays his grubby mitts on me I’ll rip his nut sack off – says feisty woman

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

More Trump related tomfoolery as it comes in.



‘I don’t get what Vernon sees in her,’ says man

We don't get it either.

We don’t get it either.

In the wake of TV personality Vernon Kay’s recent sexting revelations, a Glasgow man slammed the TV star saying that he can’t understand what he sees in the glamour model who is the subject of the rumpus. [Read more…]


Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski


Fifty Year Old Virgin Can’t Wait For Fifty Shades Opening

Press Previews Proved Too Much For Some Critics

Press Previews Proved Too Much For Some Critics

Avid Fifty Shades Of Grey fan Aaron Kay says he simply can’t wait to see the movie realisation of the book he’s read at least thirteen times, despite a host of negative reviews posted on mainstream and social media websites. Our own reviewer, Ted Pemberton refused point-blank to attend the film’s opening, saying that he’d rather scrape the skin off his own shins with a potato peeler than spend time watching the allegedly boring bondage epic, but superfan Aaron isn’t in the least put off.

“Fifty Shades opened my eyes to a whole new world,” he told us. “This whole sex business is absolutely fascinating, even though I’ve never actually ‘done it’ with a real life woman yet. Unless you count Katya, my lifelike silicone sex doll. But I’ll tell you this for nothing: When I do start ‘doing it’ with a real life lady it’ll be bondage all the way for me. I’ve already got a bit of practice in by duct taping my Dad’s dog’s back legs together and though I say it myself I’m really getting rather good at it. I can’t wait to see the movie. I reckon it’s going to give me loads of ideas, and when it comes out on DVD I’ll buy an exercise book and pen and take notes. I’d love to read the book again but I can’t just yet because my copy is worn out. I’ll have to get another – I’ve put an order in at the charity shop but I’m not paying more than two pound for it.”

Aaron’s cousin, Michelle told us in strict confidence that the probable reason Aaron is still a virgin at the ripe old age of fifty can probably be attributed to two major factors.

“For one thing, it’s about the physical side,” she said. “He isn’t an attractive man and he doesn’t take care of himself. He’s a fat bastard with bad hair and an aversion to cleanliness. He stinks like the bottom of a rat’s cage for starters. And then there’s always been a rogue gene in the family line. We’re all a bit weird sexually. Aaron’s into bondage and I’m into bestiality – with Shetland ponies – but don’t print that bit or they won’t let me go up the stables any more.”

At which point we’d heard quite enough, thank you very much, so we made our excuses and left.

In the words of the late, great Poly Styrene out of X-Ray Specs: Oh bondage! Up yours!


A wife is for life – not just for Christmas

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

British League Of Wives (BLOW) is set to launch a concerted television advertising campaign aimed at men, with the objective of raising awareness among men – who take a wife solely in order to have somebody handy over the Christmas holiday period to make meals and generally wait on them hand and foot – that such behaviour is just not on.

“It’s just not on,” said Sandra Bloefeld of BLOW. “This is the 21st century after all. The days when women would spend all day in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove and traipsing back and forth from the fridge with endless cold beers for their fat lazy arsed husbands are long gone.”

Disturbingly for women everywhere, a report compiled by the Department of Intuition reveals that the percentage of men who take a wife for Christmas before kicking them out immediately after the holiday is over, averages out at a staggering 93%

Abandoned wives charities such as Battersea Wives Home complain that the January abandonments place tremendous strain on resources, leaving many unable to cope with the deluge.

“We need to change attitudes dramatically,” Sandra Bloefeld told us. “Men need to realise that the cute, sexy, subservient wife they married in December will grow into a strong, independent woman; one who will soon tire of running around after a lazy spouse, and develop a range of complex character traits, such as demanding that the husband leave the toilet seat down, that he occasionally ought to get up off his arse and get cracking with those long overdue DIY projects and realise that occasionally at bed time she really will have a headache.”

“Well I’m not going to change my attitude for any bloody woman,” said Joe Calderbank, who has had three wives for Christmas and kicked them all out by the second of January. “They’re all cute and cuddly for a bit, and then comes the nagging, the moaning, the burnt dinners and the fights over the TV remote. Well they can piss off. I’ll get another one this Christmas – probably a nice Thai model – but if she starts getting bloody stroppy she’ll be out on her ear by January and no mistake.”

We asked Joe if he was aware of the strain imposed on abandoned womens’ charities by negligent husbands such as him and whether he had any regrets about abandoning wives into the January cold, he responded:

“Those charities get shedloads of money off the public and they should be grateful that blokes like me keep them in a job. In answer to the second part of your question: Do I balls regret it. When you buy your Christmas turkey you chuck it out once it’s eaten, once it’s outlived its usefulness. There’s no point hanging on to it. It’s the same with wives. If they aren’t up to the task they need to be discarded. No point in having them stink the place out for years to come.”

Sandra Bloefeld had the last word on the matter, as she sharpened a carving knife and stormed out of our office saying:

“I’m going to slice that sexist pig’s knackers right off.”

More as we get it.