We don’t know what Sky News have done but Jeremy Corbyn is still talking to Café Spike

Jeremy's still talking to us - if that's really him

Jeremy’s still talking to us – if that’s really him

In scenes which brought to mind the classic line “Don’t tell him Pike!” it was a strange sight, seeing Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn walking down the road and studiously ignoring questions fired at him by Sky News reporters, before hopping into a car and clearing off. We can’t imagine why anybody in their right mind wouldn’t want to talk to Sky News. It’s not as if they’re biased or anything, or like they’ve been guilty of phone hacking…hang on…roll that back. We’ve just spotted the Murdoch connection – don’t worry, it’s Monday and we haven’t woken up properly yet.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we were a bit concerned that Mr Corbyn wouldn’t talk to Café Spike either, so we decided to give him a call on a mobile number that we paid thirty quid for off a contact down the pub.

When we called the number, somebody who sounded a bit like Jeremy Corbyn answered, so we asked him why he’d maintained a stony silence when questioned by Sky News.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” the person on the end of the line told us.

Concerned, we asked if Mr Corbyn was still talking to Café Spike, and he said he was, although he admitted he’d never heard of us. “What do you do?” he asked.

“As little as possible really,” our reporter answered with painful honesty. “What can we talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Mr Corbyn replied. “Anything really, apart from those wankers at Sky News.”

“Did you see the United v Liverpool match on Saturday?” we probed.

“I did,” Mr Corbyn said. “Not much of a game first half but it livened up a bit in the second. United murdered them really, but the highlight for me was Christian Benteke’s spectacular overhead kick. That was a peach of a goal and he executed it to perfection.”

“What about the boy Martial’s goal? And the Blind set piece goal? And the Ander Herrera penalty – the first penalty he’s ever taken as a pro?” we asked Mr Corbyn.

“They were good, and on any other day Martial’s effort would have been goal of the month, but I still think Benteke’s was better.”

“Jeremy,” we asked in no small degree of exasperation. “Are you a fucking closet Loonypool fan or what?”

“Are you sure you aren’t one of those wankers from Sky News?” Mr Corbyn asked, suddenly adopting a menacing tone.

At which point we made our excuses and hung up.

Our Editor in Chief, Martin Shuttlecock had this to say: “I thought Jeremy Corbyn was a breath of fresh air in British politics, a man with a vision who is taking the Labour party back to its traditional roots. The thought of him being a closet Scouser is quite frankly devastating. I’m crushed I am. That’s if it really was him. Somebody tell me it’s just an elaborate hoax.”

*Jeremy Corbyn’s office (allegedly) confirmed that Mr Corbyn won’t be speaking to Jeremy Clarkson any time soon either. Even though his name is Jeremy too.

Or so they say.

Paddy Berzinski

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There’s Far Too Much Of This Sort Of Thing Going On And It Needs To Be Stopped Now!

Madonna - Getting Her Arse Mended

Madonna – Getting Her Arse Mended

Nobody seems quite sure what it is, but with an election looming everybody agrees that there’s far too much of it going on and that it needs to stopped immediately.

“I’m sick to the back teeth of it,” Kay Burley off Sky News told our reporter off-camera. “I don’t understand how the public can just stand by and allow this sort of thing to happen. Somebody ought to be held accountable and flogged almost to death at the very least.”

“I’ve been warning people about this for years,” UKIP leader Nigel Farage told a barmaid. “At long last, people seem to be sitting up and taking notice, and the public can rest assured that UKIP will be at the forefront of the battle to stop it. We’ll be all over it like a rash once we’ve found out exactly what it is.”

Sweary celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay declined to comment but promised to look into the issue as soon as he’s sorted out a failing restaurant in New Jersey owned by a dysfunctional Italian family, before saying he’d get back to us.

Middle aged American singer, Madonna – who recently took a much publicised onstage fall during the Brits – said that she agreed that it should be stopped immediately and that she’d get right on it as soon as the doctors have mended her arse.

“I’m all in favour of this being stopped immediately – whatever it is,” said Labour party leader Ed Miliband. “It’s outrageous that it’s been allowed to fester for so long. If I’m elected into number ten I’ll set this as a priority, appoint a dedicated minister and a parliamentary sub-committee and get it stopped.”

Disgraced paedophile pop performer Gary Glitter declined to comment, but a spokesman informed us that the leader of the gang had too much on his plate at the moment to start stopping things.

What do you think? Is there too much of it about? How much of a priority is it to stop it?

It’s your call.

Make it count.

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Britain First Left Bewildered By Latest Edition Of Charlie Hebdo

What Does It Mean?

What Does It Mean?

Unprecedented demand for the first edition of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, since the Paris massacre a week ago has resulted in an unprecedented print run of 2 million copies, one of which we brought back to London in the early hours of this morning. The 16 page edition continues the exuberant and anarchic tradition of the magazine, and to our surprise, one person who was chomping at the bit to read it was Britain First member Conan Templar.

“It’s anti-Muslamic innit?” Templar said as he examined the magazine. “That’s what it’s all about. Anything that’s anti-Muslamic is okay by me. I’m with Charlie Hebdo all the way, and wiv all them Frenchies what come out on the anti-Muslamic march on Sunday. Fair play to the old snail scoffers – they ain’t ‘avin’ it no more. ‘S a pity more of our own people aren’t filled up wiv the courage of their connections. We needs to make a stand and take our country back. Like wot the Frenchies are doin.’ They showed what they’re all abaht on Sunday – patriotism – not sittin’ abaht like hippies singing bladdy John Lydon peace songs.”

As Templar tucked into a pie n mash breakfast washed down with a mug of builder’s tea, his expression changed radically as he thumbed through the Charlie Hebdo magazine.

“What’s this crap?” Templar spluttered. “It’s all in bladdy foreign innit! Bladdy Frenchies! What’s up wiv ’em? Don’t they speak ‘er Majesty the Queen’s bleedin’ English or wot? This is no use to me Chief – can’t understand a bleedin’ word of it. Might as well be in hydroponics as far as I’m concerned. What a load of old shit!”

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

In the brave tradition of Sky News we can’t show you the cover of this edition of Charlie Hebdo because it would be irresponsible and we don’t want nutters with guns coming after us.

In related news, both Britain First and Fox News have been nominated as ‘Best New Comedy Act’ in the Perrier awards at the Edinburgh Festival.

Or so we’re told.

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