Daily Express issues severe UK weather warning

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Whatever your thoughts on the Daily Express (probably that it’s a right wing, xenophobic, racist, Brexit and UKIP supporting arse-wipe of a rag lapped up by raving nutters and conspiracy theorists) there’s no denying that its completely misguided weather reportage makes an amusing break from the constant barrage of anti-migrant propaganda and benefit cheat bullshit.

According to the Express’s ‘ace’ weather reporter, Nathan Rao, we’re all seriously doomed, even at the best of times.

What’s particularly alarming about this is that Mr Rao apparently gets paid for his completely twattish forecasts, because even the idiots who read the Express think he’s a bit of a Canute.

Which is quite some feat when you come to think of it. Even people who believe that there were no planes involved on 9/11, that the moon landings were staged, that the Columbine shooting horror was a “false flag” event, that “the elites” are plotting to flood Europe with Islamic fanatics in order to destroy European culture and that Hillary Clinton is a lizard – even these idiots don’t buy the Express’s weather articles.

The latest of which states with confidence: “COLD WEATHER SHOCK: Temperatures to plunge THIS weekend as Winter arrives early in Britain.”

So that’s that sorted. We’re all doomed. Again. As confirmed by this from the Express comments section:

Lets hope its very ‘Choppy’ and Freezing in the Channel! Kill of most of the ‘RapeFugees’ and S C U M before they get to a Dinghy or a Lorry!*

Express readers eh?

Every one a Canute.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com.


Bert Windswept’s Weather Tips For Hollywood Directors

This Scene Involved 5 Million Tons Of Polystyrene

This Scene Involved 5 Million Tons Of Polystyrene

Our resident meteorologist, Bert Windswept told us recently that one of the most frustrating things about being a meteorologist is that when he goes to the pictures the weather depicted in the films is totally unrealistic most of the time.

“It’s so unconvincing that sometimes I get really infuriated,” Bert told us. “In fact it sometimes is such an inaccurate representation that I’ve been known to screw up my choc-ice wrapper and hurl it at the screen, before stamping my feet in outrage and loudly harrumphing as I stormed out of the theatre.”

So what do the directors get wrong? Bert gave us some examples, which we list below.

Snow – Crumbled up polystyrene does not look anything like snow. The only similarity is that they’re both white, but snow looks like snow and crumbled polystyrene looks exactly like what it is; crumbled polystyrene. Sprinkled salt all over the shop isn’t much more effective. It just looks like somebody spilled a shitload of salt and it bears no resemblance whatsoever to snow. Foam is the same. It looks like foam. Not snow. The only thing that looks like snow is snow – nothing else – so all you directors out there; if you’re thinking of filming something with snow in it, don’t be a cheapskate. Take your camera crews and your cast to where the snow is. Your movie will look all the better for it in the end.

Rain – When you’re filming a scene with rain in it, try to film it somewhere where it’s actually raining. You’re fooling nobody by dripping water onto your actors out of an overhead metal or plastic tray with holes drilled in it to simulate rainfall. It just doesn’t work. Any sharp eyed movie-goer can see immediately that it’s only raining on the principal actors while it’s fine and dry six feet away from them, and in some cases the sun is shining! This tip applies especially if you’re making a film set in England, where it rains all the time, even in August. Just be patient – even if by some fluke of nature the sun does happen to be shining it won’t last long. It’s a well known fact that the citizens of Manchester have over a thousand different words covering the multitude of rainfall types experienced in that city on any given day. Faking rain will only make your product look cheap and shoddily produced.

Wind – We all get it from time to time, but that isn’t the kind of wind we’re discussing here. We’re talking about gale force winds, hurricanes, tornadoes and suchlike. An old trick utilised by directors to simulate high winds has been to install a bloody great big fan or two just out of shot. For decades this method has been quite effective, but not so much when nothing is being blown about just a few feet away from the actors. These days directors tend to favour CGI over fans and quite often the CGI looks even less convincing. (See final section) The best option would be to try to avoid windy scenes altogether if possible.

CGI – Opinions are divided over the use of CGI. Sometimes it’s very good and sometimes it’s just knacker-crunchingly terrible, but the real problem arises with CGI itself. It’s become an uncontrollable beast. There’s no point in cobbling together reels of stunning CGI and then writing a crappy script around it, like they used to do with the Bond franchise back in the 80’s where every film was a collection of stunts tenuously connected by a flimsy storyline. Real human drama is infinitely more interesting than some plonker from the planet Krypton who can fly, or some robot that can transform into a car or a bastard submarine. And after a while, once you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic flyblown scorched-earth urban wasteland you’ve seen them all.

Next time: Umbrellas – Are they any good?