An angry EXPRESS reader pictured at the weekend

An angry EXPRESS reader pictured at the weekend

The ailing tabloid plumbed ever gloomier depths today as it headlined with a fake story about a Lebanese ‘child bride’ on its website. In a deliciously ironic twist, the Express managed to bamboozle its own readership as outraged readers pounded their keyboards in order to EXPRESS their fury.

The story, which involved a middle aged man posing with a child bride was a social experiment carried out in Beirut in order to gauge the reactions of passers by as the ‘happy couple’ posed for photographers – but many EXPRESS readers didn’t seem to get that bit.

What the right wing EXPRESS attack dogs don’t appear to understand is that nobody in their right mind, regardless of political persuasion, condones child abuse, child grooming or children being forced into marriage. The problem is that the EXPRESS and the extreme right seem to think that they alone are the possessors of a moral compass, ergo anyone who disagrees with them is a paedophile – even though that isn’t the point.

The sad truth is that these constant attacks are based on an old Nazi strategy. It’s all about dehumanising those who are viewed as enemies, instilling fear and hatred into everyday people and the removal of individuality. Hence the use of the word ‘migrants’ and the stream of sex attack stories. It’s cynical manipulation in order for the EXPRESS to reinforce its anti-EU stance among its gullible readership.

For all its jingoism it would be interesting to know how much the Express owner, Richard Desmond actually pays in taxes, and whether it would be in his own interests to exit the European Union.

In the meantime the EXPRESS continues to publish its UKIP inspired rubbish and the hate messages continue to pour in.

When it comes to dumb and dumber the EXPRESS surely takes the award for DUMBEST

Martin Shuttlecock


600,000 Britain First March In Burton On Trent

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

The extreme right political party Britain First were yesterday celebrating a decisive victory in its bid to take our country back, when an estimated 600,000 flag bearing marchers took to the streets of Burton On Trent in Staffordshire protesting the proposed opening of a mosque in the town. According to a Britain First spokesperson BF supporters flocked from all corners of the UK in support of their anti-Islamic message.

“It was a fantastic turn out today,” announced a fat bloke with a megaphone. “Our officials lost count of the numbers at the 600,000 mark when the batteries failed on our Knights Templar calculator. It’s great news for Britain First, and what’s more it means I won’t have to resort to flogging cheap tat out of a suitcase like Del Boy out of Only Fools And Horses. We do it all online these days.”

“It sent a shiver down my spine seeing so many flag-waving patriotic Brits in one place at one time,” said a man drinking Special Brew straight from the can. who identified himself as Wellard Harry from Brentwood, Essex. “I reckon they’ve underestimated the attendance in the official figures. If you ask me it was nearer to a million.”

The march started out from a car park in the town and went largely unnoticed as the throng was escorted by the police through some back streets to another car park where a Britain First speaker got hysterical over something or other and the crowd lapped it up.

However, the wife of a serving Staffordshire police officer had a slightly different view. “My old man hates pulling duty like this ‘event,'” she told us. “He says it’s basically just babysitting a bunch of idiots with nothing better to do, wasting public money and police time and resources that could have been better utilised elsewhere. The bottom line is that these people are a bunch of deluded arseholes with nothing better to do. And there weren’t 600,000 there at all. Somebody somewhere is telling porkies.”

Local resident Steve Tyhurst who heard about the march but didn’t actually see it told us: “I don’t get what they’re about, unless it’s just to do with getting donations off stupid people. If they want to fight they should join the army. Although the army probably wouldn’t have them because they’re too old, too fat, and they’d probably fail the entry level intelligence test.”

A local councillor who asked that his name be withheld told us: “They’re claiming 600,000 attended? Definitely not. When they wave flags it gives the impression from a distance that there’s a lot more of them, which is a bit of a con really. There certainly wasn’t that number on show. In fact I think I can safely say that you could have rounded them up and got them on a single decker bus. They do have a tendency to exaggerate.”

Were you there? Can you read? Drop us a line.

Paddy Berzinski


Express Takes Over From Mail Online In The Controversial Comments Stakes

Who's The Daddy Now?

Who’s The Daddy Now?

There hasn’t been much to speak of in terms of good news recently, as we’re sure you don’t need reminding. Civilians being bombed in Gaza, IS running amok in Syria and Iraq, the ugly spectre of racist policing being a fact of life in the USA, Ebola, and the ice bucket challenge. A quick pootle around the internet confirms all of the above and more, and as our leaders enter into crisis talks concerning national security at various holiday destinations around the globe, one is left wondering how such seemingly intractable problems are ever going to be resolved.

In fairness to Britain, Home Secretary Theresa May has acted swiftly and decisively, demonstrating leadership of Churchillian proportions by vowing to punish returning Jihadists with…ASBO’s… (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders – similar to the type of ASBO you’d get for playing loud music all night or persistently pissing in your neighbour’s wheelie bin…)

Here at Café Spike we aren’t overtly political – we tend to believe in doing the right thing – but Ms May’s deterrent to those guys out in Syria or Iraq who are beheading and crucifying people seems to be laughably inadequate.

“Best not cut his head off Razza…we don’t want the old Bill waiting for us at Stratford when we get back. Could end up wiv an ASBO bruv…”

We don’t know what the solution is, if indeed there is one, but a great many people do. They are the ones who post comments on sites like the Mail and Express online.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. "Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats" one reported.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. “Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats” one reported.

Now, the Mail comments have long had a reputation for being right wing and extremely intolerant, not to mention outspoken. The less popular Express site we at Café Spike had largely regarded as irrelevant – until we looked at it recently. And whilst the Islamic State fighters may not actually be shitting themselves at the prospect of an ASBO – the keyboard warriors here in the UK and elsewhere certainly appear to be a cause for concern, as they try to out-UKIP one another.

The general consensus appears to be that had UKIP been in power here in the UK that civilian airliners wouldn’t have been shot down, the whole middle east situation would never have happened and that the American police would have eliminated ethnic minorities decades ago.

Perhaps these commentators’ views would carry more weight if the keyboard warriors could actually achieve some sort of command of their mother tongue, and perhaps not express their views in shouty upper case letters strewn flamboyantly with half of the global supply of exclamation marks.

And the Express comments won our ‘Oh My God!’ award when one thicko described the Notting Hill Carnival as the “Ebola and street crime festival.”

It’s good to know that our nation’s heritage is in good hands.

It could be worse – these people could have their fingers hovering over the button…