Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.


Dare You Take The Cafe Spike Spelling Test?












Everybody makes mistakes; everybody occasionally makes typos and sometimes we fall victim to auto-correct on our phones, but some people are just really stupid and seemingly determined to make themselves look like complete idiots on social media and comment sections of websites. Not that we’d mock the intellectually challenged, or take the piss or anything like that, but test your spelling with our quick quiz multiple choice spelling selection. And to prove we aren’t taking the piss, we’ll even give you a clue.Ready?

Here we go.

Remember, we’re looking for the correct spelling, not feeble excuses.

1) A person who hasn’t been taught to read and write.

a) Illitrit.

b) Illiterite.

c) Illiterate.

d) Steaming heap of dog shit.

(Select one answer only. We don’t have time to piss about.)

2) The location of an object or person.

a) They’re.

b) Their.

c) There.

d) Knob head.

(Hurry up, the pubs are open.)

3) Without a shadow of a doubt.

a) Defiantly.

b) Definately.

c) Definitely.

d) Shirley Temple’s tits.

(Come on – it isn’t that difficult.)

4) A state of harmony.

a) Piece.

b) Piss.

c) Peace.

d) Piss-flaps.

(Hurry up – the tea’s on!)

5) Thought about.

a) Wandered.

b) Wounded.

c) Wondered.

d) Drippy dirt box.

(It’s like watching paint dry is this. HURRY UP!)

6) Belonging to us.

a) Are.

b) Hour.

c) Our.

d) Hairy arseholes.

(It isn’t bastard rocket science! Get on with it!)

7) Something that makes no sense.

a) Redicerlous.

b) Rediculous.

c) Ridiculous.

d) Smelly sweaty bollocks.

(A load of. Probably.)

8) That which is to be frowned upon.

a) Dispicable.

b) Despickabel.

c) Despicable.

d) Knob cheese with chives in it.

(Almost there. Only 2 to go. You can do it.)

9) A sausage ingredient.

a) Poke.

b) Plonk.

c) Pork.

d) Pickled pigs’ dicks.

(This is hard work. We don’t know why we bother sometimes.)

10) An involuntary response to humour.

a) Larf.

b) Laff.

c) Laugh.

d) A wet fart with a few bits of runny shit in it.

(That’s it. We won’t be doing this again.)

How did you do?

Mostly A’s – Probably a Daily Mail reader.

Mostly B’s – Probably Daily Express reader.

Mostly C’s – You probably once read a book.

Mostly D’s – You’re probably a Café Spike reader.

Not that it makes any difference anyway. The very fact that you even attempted to try this test demonstrates that you’re worthy only of utter contempt. Unless of course you answered mostly D’s – in which case you really ought to follow us on Facebook and have a look at our non-interactive website occasionally. You could even try sending our Editor in Chief, Martin Shuttlecock a Facebook friend request, although he’ll probably ignore you because by all accounts he’s a proper dickhead.

Compiled by Café Spike’s very own Ted Pemberton.

(A right twat if ever there was one.)


Idiot Overcomes Overwhelming Odds To Claim Coveted Employee Of The Month Crown

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Idiot Too!

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Idiot Too!

The 51 year old employee of BO Industries, Derek Redhead received a standing ovation from his work colleagues in the works canteen Tuesday as he stepped up to receive a certificate from Company Director Robert Bloch. Briefly addressing his audience, Redhead mumbled something unintelligible and then promptly sat down again.

“I don’t know how he does it,” departmental manager Pauline Krait told us. “He’s amazing.”

“He’s incredible,” Redhead’s Team Captain gushed. “He can’t perform 95% of the tasks expected of him, but he turns up for work most of the time and never complains when he ends up sitting in the canteen fiddling with his phone for hours on end, because there isn’t any work available that he can do.”

“Derek’s an example to us all,” workmate Steve Foreman said. “I hope I’m half as knackered as he is when I get to that age. He’s got a bad back, carpal tunnel syndrome in his hands, RSI of the elbows, failing eyesight, arthritic knees, swollen ankles and attention deficit disorder. There’s not much that he can actually do, and even when the manic depression kicks in he still turns up for work. It can be a bit embarrassing when he suddenly bursts into tears for no apparent reason, but he’s always good for a laugh on payday.”

More as we get it.