Morbidly obese Asylum seeker to sue NHS over gastric band op

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A morbidly obese Afghan asylum seeker is currently receiving legal aid in order to sue the NHS after surgeons refused to schedule gastric band surgery to help her to lose weight.

Mother of nine, Mazra Hussein, 43, of Derby argues that the NHS has a moral duty to help her weight loss programme and is furious that her request has been snubbed.

“As a Muslim woman it is my duty to be pleasing to my husband – something I cannot possibly be when I am very overweight. It’s very annoying that the NHS won’t help me to be sexier for my husband. I am currently in discussions with my legal team and we’re looking at filing a suit against the NHS within weeks. If we win my case then I stand to collect a six figure sum in compensation, part of which will fund gastric band surgery at a private clinic and the rest will probably be spent on a new family car and perhaps a world cruise.

“I don’t feel at all bad about suing the NHS,” she added. “They won’t help me because I’m a Muslim – which is just racist – and because the family is on benefits. It would have saved the NHS money in the long run if they’d just done the surgery in the first place when I demanded it. It’s high time they were challenged.”

The surgeon responsible for refusing to carry out the procedure, Mr Oliver Hartnell was unrepentant.

“We carried out a clinical assessment based on the patient’s welfare,” he told us. “And we decided not to perform the surgery, based on the fact that Mrs Hussein has made no effort whatsoever to help herself. Given that she lounges around all day, every day, eating Indian takeaways, munching pizza and drinking copious quantities of sugary drinks we declined her demand for gastric band surgery. It’s sad that she feels the need to take legal action against the NHS, but she probably didn’t tell you that we’d agreed to review her case if she takes steps to improve her situation herself, which she has so far refused to countenance.

“Patients need to understand that the NHS needs them to be proactive in their own care. We can’t be put into situations whereby patients live unhealthy lifestyles and then demand that we repair self inflicted damage. That just isn’t on and we’ll defend that position every step of the way.”

More as we get it.



Surgeon Inserted Canary In Katie Hopkins’ Skull ‘For A Laugh’

Tweet tweet!

Tweet tweet!

Eminent surgeon, Mr Hugo DeFreitas FRCS today announced that after performing a neurological procedure on journalist Katie Hopkins, he’d popped a canary into her cranial cavity for a laugh.

“Surgery is a deadly serious and often tense activity,” he said. “So we have to have a laugh now and again or we’d all go stark raving bonkers. I thought leaving a canary in Hopkins’s skull was a nice touch. I’d love to see her expression when it starts whistling and she tries to work out where it is.”

It isn’t unusual for surgeons to inadvertently leave surgical instruments inside their patients, but putting stuff there deliberately appears to be a recent phenomenon. Recent incidents revealed by x-rays have shown a women with a cuckoo clock in her abdomen, a man with a ball bearing in his sinuses and a pensioner with a bottle of Lucozade in her rib cage.

“It’s not a practice we encourage,” said a BMA spokesman.

“I always said she was a birdbrain anyway,” chuckled the surgeon. “For my next trick I’d like to leave a moral compass in Iain Duncan Smith’s head, or a pony up Jeremy Hunt’s arse or something similar.”

The world waits in hope.