It’s Here! Cafe Spike Miracle Tapwater Only £49.99

Some water pictured when the weather was a bit nicer

Some water pictured when the weather was a bit nicer

Seeing as we’re dirt poor here at Café Spike we’ve been looking long and hard at some ‘get rich quick’ scams, as a result of which we can now exclusively offer our readers a vial of exclusive ‘Café Spike Miracle Tapwater’ (patent pending) which we’re able to deliver straight from the tap at Café Spike head office via the Royal Mail for the knockdown bargain price of £49.99 per vial. (Offer limited to 10 vials per household per month.)

We got our inspiration from some TV evangelist who we saw on You Tube, who raked in an absolute fortune by selling his own version of miracle tapwater, which he claimed could result in:

*Supernatural bank account enhancement – which basically means that if you’re in the red and you sprinkle miracle tapwater on your bank statement, some spirit or God or whatever ‘might just’ mysteriously and anonymously deposit vast sums of cash into your bank account without you ever knowing where it came from. Because it’s a miracle. To be honest we can’t see it working either, but the people in the clip swear by it and it’s on the internet so it must be true.

*Healing the sick – which isn’t bad considering it’s only water. The only two things we’d previously heard of that could be sorted out by water were thirst and dehydration, but according to the clip the evangelist’s water can cure everything from substance addiction to terminal cancer, hay fever to haemorrhoids and diabetes to demonic possession. It can also convert cripples into breakdancers, restore sight to the blind and send those who have ingested miracle water into some kind of euphoric trance like state. In all fairness, our water hasn’t been proved to achieve similar results yet, but it’s much cheaper and the chemical composition is identical. Plus our miracle water comes in a nice vial whereas theirs’ comes in a poxy sachet like the ones you get ketchup in at fast food outlets.

*Social advancement – all of a sudden, due to the miracle water everybody and his mother will want to be your best friend. You’ll sail through promotions at work, be headhunted by other potential employers, and even be asked to appear on the television chatting to such luminaries as Jonathan Ross, Piers Morgan, Sean Hannity and that bird with the wonky gob on Fox News.

Having seen what we’d have to live up to when comparing our relatively cheap miracle water to the evangelist’s version we had a bit of a crisis in confidence, but we soon got over that as we realised that there are more than enough stupid people in the world prepared to stump up hard cash, for what in the final analysis can best be described as, a load of old bollocks.

Here’s what our customers told us.

**I’ve been suffering from chronic lower back pain for years, so I sent £49.99 for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater and immediately it arrived I emptied the vial down my lower spine, where it made my underpants slightly damp before it trickled down into my arse crack. It wasn’t effective at all but it was a nice feeling. – Derek, Milton Keynes

**I sprinkled Café Spike Miracle Water on my bank statement last Thursday. My balance didn’t mysteriously increase by half a million pounds or anything like that, but I did get a parking fine for £70 off my local supermarket for overstaying, so there must be something in it. – Elsie, Cheshire

**I drank my vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater because I wasn’t at all sure why I’d bought it in the first place, yet the very next day I was promoted to Team Leader in charge of Dairy Produce shelf stacking on the night shift at the supermarket where I work. My team insist it’s purely because I’m a grass, but I’m not so sure. It never happened until I purchased my vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater. – Marion, Belfast

**I was feeling suicidal after losing everything in the recession, and in desperation I sent off for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater. When it arrived I emptied it into a glass of brandy and drank it straight down. The very next day I received an official looking legal document informing me that due to a long lost family connection I had become the sole owner of a multi-million pound aerospace manufacturing company. It turned out that the letter was a complete fake and that the cunts from Café Spike had sent it. I’m off to hang myself from a big bridge right now, – Joe, Swansea

*If you want to take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater at only £49.99 per vial before the police catch up with us, message us on Facebook right now with your details. Discretion guaranteed unless you’re famous and we can flog the story to the tabloid press.

Jake Ginster


Ye Olde Cafe Spike Gift And Noveltie Shoppe – Xmas Sale Now On








Café Spike Xmas Hamper

Café Spike Xmas Hamper

With the festive season careering towards us like a rocket powered one horse open sleigh, our thoughts invariably turn towards purchasing the usual load of old tat in order to keep our friends and relatives sweet over the Christmas period. We know it’s a pain in the proverbial back entry and we want to help. So what we’ve done is we’ve got Café Spike’s Marketing Director to come up with a soupcon of outstandingly tacky gift ideas, going cheap, which you can buy now – and in so doing save yourself the bother of going out in the wind and rain this winter. Ye Olde Café Spike Gift And Novelty Shoppe is proud to announce that our Jumbo Chrimbo Bargain Bucket Sale Jobby is now officially open for business.Stunning Selection

Our Marketing Director has personally hand picked a number of locally sourced junk and novelty items which are available NOW to all devoted Café Spike readers.*

*Offers exclusively restricted to Café Spike Members only. For details send us your name and address on the back of a £50 note in biro and we’ll get right on it once we’ve finished whatever we happen to be doing at the moment.

Sea Gorillas

Here’s a great idea for the kiddies! Sea Gorillas! All you’ll need is a big fish tank to keep your Sea Gorillas in and we’ll take care of the rest. Just send us your money and we’ll send you a sachet containing approximately 250 freeze dried Sea Gorilla eggs. All you have to do is dump them into the water and wait a bit until they hatch, and boy are the kiddies in for a treat when they do. Before you know it you’ll be presiding over your very own miniature Sea Gorilla colony as the cute little hairy characters hatch out and start to colonise your fish tank. You will be the king or queen of your very own Sea Gorilla city, with the ability to be a tyrannical despot or a philanthropic godlike figure presiding over your very own colony of hairy miniature aquatic Sea Gorillas.

And that’s not all!

Aquatic Sea Gorilla Pub. (Artist's Impression.)

Aquatic Sea Gorilla Pub. (Artist’s Impression.)

In conjunction with Dodgy Dave’s Miniatures we have special rates (providing you’re a member) on quality aquatic underwater hotels, pubs, bars, restaurants and sports stadia, roads, bridges, Sea Gorilla cars, submarine factories and army camps. Yes – you read that right. Dedicated Sea Gorilla enthusiasts can start wars by training their Sea Gorillas in miniature Sea Gorilla army camps to go out and oppress their untrained Sea Gorilla brethren until the flames of revolution are stoked.

Make money by charging your friends and neighbours to come round yours and watch your Sea Gorillas – it’s much more entertaining than anything on the telly.

Sea Gorillas starter pack: 250 (approx. – give or take a couple of hundred) freeze dried Sea Gorilla eggs (not freeze dried tadpoles) in a posh sachet only £19.99 + £80.01 service charge. (Includes VAT, postage, packing, handling, payment protection insurance, all beer and company kebab shop fees and our cheap complimentary bonus prize.) Usual terms and conditions apply. Send us your money and there’s an outside chance we’ll actually send you something in return.

Café Spike X-Ray Specs

This one is our most popular seller among adolescent male teenagers – and that’s no surprise! Wa-heyy!!

Teens, let’s be honest here – how many times have you walked around in your town and wondered what that hot guy/chick would look like with no clothes on? We’ve all done it at some point in life and it’s a bit frustrating because you’ll never know – unless of course you physically assault said person and by virtue of physical force divest them of their clothing.

Which isn’t really recommended and could in exceptional circumstances lead to a lengthy term of imprisonment.

And rightly so.

How CS X-Ray Specs Might Look On That Woman Off Shameless

How CS X-Ray Specs Might Look On That Woman Off Shameless

With Café Spike X-Ray Specs there’s no need for any of that malarkey. All you’ll need is a pair of CSXRS’s, a table with a good view of passers by and a walking stick to disguise the effects of this world beating product as you limp away into the sunset.

Our new honeycomb thermoplastic X-Ray lens technology allows you to see right through clothes, and even read credit card numbers through handbags and purses.

In minute and explicit detail.

It even works when you’re watching the telly! (Allegedly.) Just think – Loose Women as nature intended! (Or perhaps not.)

Admittedly, you’ll look like a bit of a knob sat out in public trying to scan naked people in our outrageously oversized and stupid looking X-Ray Specs which make it patently obvious to the whole world and its entire family exactly what you’re up to, and that you’re a bit of a weirdo. But hey, it’s all part of the game – and it will increase your communication skills no end as you try to explain to investigating police officers what the bloody hell you’re doing.

Available now – Only £19.99 + £80.01 handling and admin charges.*

*Credit card purchases may accrue additional billing but we promise it won’t amount to any more than 17,673% pa of the original billing fee.

The Café Spike Ant Farm

Yet another stunningly innovative gift idea from the boffins here at Café Spike – run your own ant farm and become an official air traffic controller as you guide your very own flying ants in and out of your very own flying ant airport, being careful of course to avoid mid-air collisions, and direct your very own ant miners and leaf cutters as you strive to prevent your very own ant colony from extinction/annihilation.

Your starter pack consists of 250 freeze dried ant eggs which may or may not hatch when immersed in water.*

*Café Spike accepts no responsibility or liability for stupid ants that can’t swim when exposed to water. Sorry – but that’s your problem.

You will need – a big terrarium with a thin bit at the bottom so you can see the intricate ant mining tunnels in minute detail. (Magnifying glasses available at reasonable prices. Members Only.)

By our own admission, our Ant Farms aren’t half as entertaining as our legendary Sea Gorillas, which is why we’re offering them at the reduced rate of only £19.98 + £80.02 to cover the fiddly bits, which quite frankly can be a pain in the poop tube.

We Didn't Have Any Pictures Of Ants So We Bunged This One In. We're Guessing It's A Dog.

We Didn’t Have Any Pictures Of Ants So We Bunged This One In. We’re Guessing It’s A Dog.

Having said that though, our Ant Farms are really good if you get some kind of a kick out of watching ants digging tunnels and scurrying about all over the shop despite having no particular place to go. And if you buy the Ant Farm in conjunction with our Café Spike X-Ray Specs offer you’ll be able to see your ants in all their naked glory.*

*Order separately, or add a surcharge of £50 when ordered together. Because we know a mug when we see one.

Stay tuned for more spectacular offers from Ye Olde Café Spike Gift And Noveltie Shoppe.