Our Christmas message to politicians

Theresa May - hasn't got a fucking clue what Brexit means.

Theresa May – hasn’t got a fucking clue what Brexit means.

Dear politicians

Whilst we – the great British public – truly appreciate that you’ve taken the time and trouble to record personal Christmas messages to the nation, you really shouldn’t have bothered. [Read more…]


Ten Christmas TV Specials We’d Love To See

It's Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch 'The Evil Dead.'

It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]


Holly Willoughby May Have An Unsightly Blackhead In A Very Intimate Place

Holly pictured on our telly looking completely baffled by our clickbait headline.

Holly pictured on our telly looking completely baffled by our clickbait headline.

A zit-buster whose pus spattered video clips have been viewed by millions of sick bastards online shocked the world today by stating that Holly Willoughby – the nation’s sweetheart and the most perfect dating option for just about anybody with a pulse probably has an unsightly blackhead in an intimate bodily area, although probably not a postulating cyst on her front bottom or her arse or anything like that.

“I can’t imagine Holly having a swollen pus pocket on her lower lips, or a perineal cyst or anything like that, because she’s too squeaky clean for any of that malarkey,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “But based on the law of averages I’d speculate that she’s probably got an unsightly blackhead or something in an intimate place that she’d rather we don’t know anything about.

“It’s only natural really. We all have flaws but I suppose it’s difficult for the public at large to imagine Holly Willoughby squatting on the shitter squeezing a particularly irksome blackhead because she’s so bloody perfect. You can tell by the way she reacts to body shaming items on This Morning that there’s an empathy at work.

“Of course I’m just guessing, but I speak from experience in these matters. I doubt that Holly is harbouring a truly horrendous secret, whereas that Jimmy Savile was a pus-filled bastard who was so rotten he’d have exploded with the fury of a nuclear detonation had anybody actually been sensible enough to stab the twat.

“I’m not saying Holly is that bad, but it does make you think about the way we view celebrities.”

It also makes us at Cafe Spike ponder the wisdom of boosting clickbait articles which are, in essence a load of absolute bollocks.

Paddy Berzinski


‘I don’t get what Vernon sees in her,’ says man

We don't get it either.

We don’t get it either.

In the wake of TV personality Vernon Kay’s recent sexting revelations, a Glasgow man slammed the TV star saying that he can’t understand what he sees in the glamour model who is the subject of the rumpus. [Read more…]