9/11 – 15 Years On – Enough Of The Conspiracy Theory Crap

Sadly it wasn't a movie.

Sadly it wasn’t a movie.

If you happen to be one of those people who insist that the terrible events of 09/11/01 were some kind of New World Order conspiracy, and subscribe to the insanity that suggests that the entire series of events was somehow staged by the US government, then you really need to wake up, get a grip and keep your stupid shit to yourself.

With just about every conceivable conspiracy theory surrounding 9/11 having been long ago thoroughly debunked, just hold your hands up, take it on the fucking chin and admit that you got it all horribly wrong.

Your sick theories not only get dumber and stupider – they get increasingly offensive.

Four planes were hijacked, two hit the twin towers, one hit The Pentagon and the fourth was brought down in a field in Pennsylvania after courageous passengers fought the terrorists. Sadly we all know the rest.

So stick your idiotic theories about controlled demolition, Building 7, Thermite, Muslims taking that day off, the insane idea that the planes and those poor people weren’t even real, just some sort of movie SFX up your arses and show some fucking respect.

A lot of people died that day and many are dying today as the toxic dust takes its tragic toll on countless survivors.

So, just shut the fuck up.


Cafe Spike dot com


The Paris Massacre and despicable political point scoring

Charlie Hebdo peace demo - Paris 2015

Charlie Hebdo peace demo – Paris 2015

The terrible sequence of events in Paris on Friday 13th have rightfully been covered to saturation point, and for the most part have been covered responsibly and impartially. This isn’t the appropriate time for knee-jerk reactions and it certainly isn’t the time for people of any political stripe to attempt to make cheap capital out of an appalling tragedy. Nor is it the time for certain celebrity obsessed media luvvies to overdose on their own senses of self righteous indignation in order to sell newspapers.

We don’t need to go into specifics, we don’t need to name and shame. The bandwagon jumpers are there for all to see, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. All the finger pointing and posturing won’t bring those poor victims back. Any reasonable human being regards such behaviour as cheap and nasty.

Show some respect and back off with the one-upmanship bullshit. At times such as this people should be standing together and condemning the murderers and all they stand for. And while we’re at it we should also consider that similar horrors are played out every day somewhere on this great big blue marble we call Earth. Our outrage is spurred by proximity and familiarity; Paris is only a relatively short train journey away, bringing the realisation that it could have been us.

By all means support Paris and condemn the murderous fanatics who perpetrated this outrage, but do so for the simple reason that you’re a human being. Not only does cheap political point scoring serve no purpose – it disrespects the memories of the victims who had their lives so cruelly snatched away from them under the most appalling circumstances.

Ted Pemberton.


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski


Britain First Left Bewildered By Latest Edition Of Charlie Hebdo

What Does It Mean?

What Does It Mean?

Unprecedented demand for the first edition of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, since the Paris massacre a week ago has resulted in an unprecedented print run of 2 million copies, one of which we brought back to London in the early hours of this morning. The 16 page edition continues the exuberant and anarchic tradition of the magazine, and to our surprise, one person who was chomping at the bit to read it was Britain First member Conan Templar.

“It’s anti-Muslamic innit?” Templar said as he examined the magazine. “That’s what it’s all about. Anything that’s anti-Muslamic is okay by me. I’m with Charlie Hebdo all the way, and wiv all them Frenchies what come out on the anti-Muslamic march on Sunday. Fair play to the old snail scoffers – they ain’t ‘avin’ it no more. ‘S a pity more of our own people aren’t filled up wiv the courage of their connections. We needs to make a stand and take our country back. Like wot the Frenchies are doin.’ They showed what they’re all abaht on Sunday – patriotism – not sittin’ abaht like hippies singing bladdy John Lydon peace songs.”

As Templar tucked into a pie n mash breakfast washed down with a mug of builder’s tea, his expression changed radically as he thumbed through the Charlie Hebdo magazine.

“What’s this crap?” Templar spluttered. “It’s all in bladdy foreign innit! Bladdy Frenchies! What’s up wiv ’em? Don’t they speak ‘er Majesty the Queen’s bleedin’ English or wot? This is no use to me Chief – can’t understand a bleedin’ word of it. Might as well be in hydroponics as far as I’m concerned. What a load of old shit!”

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

In the brave tradition of Sky News we can’t show you the cover of this edition of Charlie Hebdo because it would be irresponsible and we don’t want nutters with guns coming after us.

In related news, both Britain First and Fox News have been nominated as ‘Best New Comedy Act’ in the Perrier awards at the Edinburgh Festival.

Or so we’re told.


EDL Invade Newcastle Christening Looking For ISIS

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

Newcastle couple John and Samantha Osbourne had an unwelcome surprise at the Christening of their baby daughter Iris, at St Botolph’s church in the city, when proceedings were interrupted by an unscheduled invasion by members of the North-East branch of the EDL.

Family, friends and the presiding vicar could only look on in slack jawed amazement as the group of ten men swept into the church chanting anti-Taliban slogans and demanding to know where ISIS were because they fancied having a fight with the Jihadist group.

“It was a lovely ceremony until all these fat blokes in flat caps stormed in and started shouting, wanting a fight,” Samantha told us. “When they told John that they’d heard ISIS were appearing at the church and that they’d come for a fight – you could have knocked us down with a feather. I told them, we’ve got an Iris here, but no ISIS that we were aware of, but they were having none of it.”

“I tried to explain to them that there must be some mistake but they wouldn’t budge,” the Rev Timothy Allsop said later. “They started chanting like a crowd of football hooligans, called me a Marxist lefty and quite clearly stated that they weren’t going anywhere until they’d given ISIS a good bashing. Eventually we had to call the police.”

“The worst of it was that they upset the bairn,” Samantha said. “She’d been as good as good as gold until these pot-bellied morons stormed in spouting their rubbish. After the police removed them she cried her little head off throughout the rest of the ceremony. These people are just middle aged overweight idiots with a serious brain cell deficit.”

A spokesman for Northumberland police confirmed that officers had been called to an incident at St Botolph’s church, and that an undisclosed number of trespassers had been removed from the premises, adding that the EDL members had acted upon information received which subsequently turned out to be flawed.

This isn’t the first incidence of failed intelligence related to the North-East branch of the EDL. Recently they invaded a book club meeting in the area in the hope of giving media personality Russell Brand a fair slapping, although the author was nowhere near the city at the time.

A senior EDL spokesman refused to condemn the North-East branch, claiming that their enthusiasm was admirable, if somewhat misguided.

“We’ve had a few communication breakdowns with the North-East branch recently,” the spokesman stated. “But in fairness they’re as keen as mustard. The problem appears to be that only one of them can read, a six year old who’s quite bright for his age although apparently not too hot on comprehension. Our focus is on improving the branch’s performance and our understanding is that a thirteen year old has applied for the job of Senior Intelligence Officer. He’s in remedial reading classes at the moment but that shouldn’t be a bar to joining the EDL. We welcome members of all stripes – providing they’re English and a bit thick.”

Reporter: Eddie Mackum


2 Million March For Peace, Freedom Of Speech And Harmony In Paris – Nigel Farage Goes Down The Pub (Allegedly)

Where's Nigel?

Where’s Nigel?

Following the horrendous terrorist attacks in Paris last week, some 2 million people took to the streets of Paris in protest, including an array of European and world political figures in a display of unity and defiance. Many carried ‘I am Charlie’ placards in reference to the slaughter at the offices of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, yet strangely, UKIP leader and Member of the European Parliament Nigel Farage was nowhere to be seen.

According to our source – a bloke up the shops who hangs around on a bench all day, but who is usually reliable – Nigel, the ‘people’s politician’ couldn’t be arsed with all that nonsense and probably went down the pub for a sneck lifter.’

Nobody knows quite why Nigel chose not to attend the protest march, but one renowned political analyst posited the theory that the UKIP leader was battling demons related to his abstinence from the drink since the New Year.

“You’d have expected Nigel to be giving it large for maximum publicity and proper milking it over there in Paris,” the renowned political analyst – who requested to remain anonymous – told us. “But for some reason, that didn’t happen. I can only assume that he’s been missing the drink something terrible – because he likes a pint or nine does our Nigel – and he’s succumbed to his demons and finally buggered off down the Dog And Duck.”

The bloke up the shops who tipped us off about this blockbuster story was reluctant to come out and openly say that Nigel had submitted in his battle with the drink.

Nigel - On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

Nigel – On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

“I never said he was supping pints,” our source declared. “I just said that I reckon he went down the pub with his mates. Probably to watch the Arsenal match on Sky. Don’t put words in my mouth – for all I know he could have been supping Diet Coke as he cheered the Arse on. He probably wasn’t – he was probably getting the drink down his neck like a champion, but I’m not allowed to say that. I’d get crucified by Daily Mail readers.”

In the final analysis, we can’t explain Nigel Farage’s conspicuous absence from the Paris march, and we aren’t altogether sure whether he’s embroiled in a battle with the drink or not, and we can’t explain his silence on the matter, although it’s probably fair to say that he is a bit fonder of the drink than of our European kin and he’s probably not all that keen on free speech either. In short: We haven’t got a clue.

What we do have a clue about though, is the overwhelming outpouring of support from the good citizens of Paris – citizens of every race, creed and colour, who took to the streets yesterday to denounce terrorism and defend at all costs the right to free speech, so that the likes of us can publish our drivel, safe in the knowledge that if some gun toting nutter storms our office and shoots us all up to shit that at the very least we hold a firm grip on the moral high ground.

Paris – We salute you!

The Café Spike Team.


Je Suis Charlie – Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

Je suis Charlie, nous sommes tous Charlie. I am Charlie, we are all Charlie.

I was supposed to carry out some major updates on Café Spike yesterday; suffice to say that as events unfolded in Paris during and after the attack on the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, it got pretty hard for me to focus on humour. I didn’t feel it appropriate, out of respect for the victims who were callously murdered for having the temerity to poke fun at a religious Godhead.

Following my initial revulsion I looked at the footage with a slightly more clinical eye. The masked gunmen certainly didn’t appear to be the cowards the far right would have us believe. They acted with well drilled military precision, not dissimilar to a special forces unit or a SWAT team, and to my untrained eye my guess would be that they were wearing body armour, aside from being heavily armed. These guys looked like experienced urban fighters.

Why did they commit this atrocity? Sure, I can understand that they were righteously indignant over Charlie Hebdo’s blasphemous treatment of their spiritual leader, but the crux of the matter remains that 12 people were gunned down because the shooters couldn’t deal with the fact that somebody who didn’t share their beliefs had the audacity to mock them for their extreme fanaticism.

Mockery of the great and the good is something of a European tradition. We all do it, or at least most of us do, and we take it for what it is – poking fun at the pompous and the self-righteous. It’s called satire. Not many people do it well, but those who have perfected their craft do it very well indeed, often striking a nerve or two along the way. The vast majority of us just tend to have a laugh about it and then move on. It’s like a tennis match – you win a point, then you lose one. It’s just a game.

Nobody in their right mind would ever suggest that the Jimmy Carrs, Frankie Boyles or Russell Brands of this world should be murdered because they caused offence to a particular group or individual. Most people see it for what it is – a publicity stunt, or simply a bad error of judgement when men like these cause offence. We cringe inwardly occasionally and then we get on with our lives. It’s the British way, and the European way.

As the day unfolded, so began the arguments, from the guarded; “Charlie Hebdo knew what they were doing and they brought this on themselves” to the outright fanatical; “We should declare war on all Muslims.” My response to both of these reactions in turn would be – no they didn’t – and – no we shouldn’t.

My opinion obviously won’t carry a great deal of clout, and if I’m honest with myself it isn’t the most intellectual analysis, simply my own interpretation of what I see – as an ordinary Joe – going on in the world around me. I wouldn’t dream of condoning or justifying in any way what happened in Paris, but there is one word which sums up most of what I see as being wrong with the world:


Extremists of all stripes, be they right wing, left wing, Christian, Muslim, Governments, the global media, dictators, bankers, industrialists, power brokers, serial killers, paedophiles, – they all share a common and rather despicable human trait; they refuse to countenance any form of compromise, only believing in one way. Their own way. And to a man they are ruthless and ready to kill at the drop of a hat in order to pursue their own warped agendas. Most of us just want to live our lives in peace and freedom, yet the truth is that our freedoms are being chipped away at, and that our little piece of terra firma diminishes a little in size as the clock ticks through the days, weeks, months and years.

It’s been said that satire is the ultimate weapon of the weak against the powerful, but satire is just clever words and pictures – it doesn’t come equipped with body armour and assault rifles.

If the gun really is more powerful than the pen – no matter who is pointing that gun – then we may as well just put down our pens and wave the white flag as we are marched to our respective places of execution, for then the lunatics have not only taken over the asylum – they’ve started the purge.

Martin Shuttlecock. 07/01/2015


MH17 – Conspiracy Theorist Nutjobs Swarm The Net

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

It had to happen. A civil airliner gets shot down over a war zone in Eastern Europe with the tragic loss of 298 innocent lives – including 80 children – and the nutters are all over the internet blaming the USA, President Obama, the Illuminati, the Rothschilds and quite possibly the Uruguayan footballer Luis Suarez. It seems inconceivable that somebody’s primary assessment of an international war crime involves the twisted thought processes of these nutjobs which appear to be: “How can we tie this in with our crackpot conspiracy theories?”

Hard to believe isn’t it. We started by looking at the comments section of the Daily Mail website. Here’s a small sample of what we unearthed.

Ping-Pong, Cairo, Egypt, 11 hours ago

He has a point. Guess we’ll never know the truth. The US are very good in covering their traces. Just like they did in 9/11 and the other Malaysian flight.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2697895/Now-rebel-commander-blamed-downing-MH17-says-bodies-aren-t-fresh-claims-corpses-dead-days.html#ixzz37v2hokj1
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Mayasmum, Glasgow, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

As another commenter pointed out, this plane was the original missing plane. Every new report that comes out makes it more and more evident. Obama sure wants to pick a fight with Putin and get a war started.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2697895/Now-rebel-commander-blamed-downing-MH17-says-bodies-aren-t-fresh-claims-corpses-dead-days.html#ixzz37v4wTiP7
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Iamyouonlydifferent, Telford, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

What if the plane was the the other plane that went missing and who ever did it though of a clever way of disposing of the evidence it does seem a little strange 2 Malaysian flights could have such extreme endings with in months of each other

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2697895/Now-rebel-commander-blamed-downing-MH17-says-bodies-aren-t-fresh-claims-corpses-dead-days.html#ixzz37v5oHyFd
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

In fairness to Mail readers these comments were almost universally condemned for the utter nonsense that they really are, but the worrying thing is that a certain section of our society seem absolutely hell bent on discarding the reality of a tragic situation and twisting it to fit their own warped agendas. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what happened, and we wouldn’t insult our readers’ intelligence by offering our own interpretation. It was obviously brought down by a remote controlled reptilian spaceship drone under the command of Lex Luthor. Or something even more sinister.

Understand, we here at Café Spike aren’t trying to glean any sort of humorous slant on a terrible crime – but we are sincerely determined to poke idiots with sharp sticks when they deserve it. And these deluded idiots really deserve it. And this crap is all over the internet. This gem from Twitter:

Goon✈ @tarmacGoon
@damochandler don’t believe the media mh17 is mh370 same plane different flight number! Massive conspiracy

It’s sad that people seem to relish the opportunity of exploiting a terrible event in order to promote some crackpot conspiracy theory. These are probably the same lunatics who allege that there were no planes involved in 9/11 and that the whole thing was some elaborate 3D holographic illusion and believe in the powers of thermite as a demolition tool.

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy - Igor Girkin - Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn't A Dark Shadow

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy – Igor Girkin – Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn’t A Dark Shadow

This is where things get dangerous in the real world – if investigators acted like conspiracy theorists they’d believe any load of old crap that anyone told them and spend the rest of their lives chasing their own tails and achieve precisely nothing.

Of course, if you choose to believe that Elvis and Michael Corleone were the shooters on the grassy knoll in 1963, that the planes on 9/11 were remote controlled by CIA agents or that the Queen of England is a shape shifting reptile who feasts on live human babies in secret rituals, then that is your right.

Just don’t write to us about it. We have a delete button and we aren’t afraid to use it.


Paddy Berzinski reporting for Café Spike