Poodle Fancier In Bad Wig To Become Jihadi Bride

Do I look gay? Does my dog look gay? Pass the hot sauce I'm feeling fruity

Do I look gay? Does my dog look gay? Pass the hot sauce I’m feeling fruity

It’s been a weird day here for emails – first the Captain America thing, and now one from some fat guy in a wig who likes poodles and calls himself Al, who really wants to leave his job in a sandwich bar in order to become a Jihadi bride in Raqqa. Surely this shit can’t be serious?

It seems he is. That’s if it’s all kosher, which we aren’t really sure about at all.

The second email says that Lardy-Arse Al is really good at fighting talk, that he has a keen interest in “rasslin” – whatever the hell that is – that he makes a mean chicken sub and that he’s so lonely he’s keen to offer himself up as a Jihadi bride in order to gain a greater understanding of the Jihadi mentality.

Lardy-Arse Al adds in his resume that he was never a bully at school and that on two days during his schooling he didn’t actually burst into tears when the girls all rejected his stilted advances, although on the rest he did. Adding that he detests “pedophiles” and that the time he tried to kiss his best friend Brad on the lips that day in the barn was all a big mistake.

If you ask us, it all sounds a bit weird, creepy and pervy. It’s almost as if these people are taking the piss out of us because they’re holding onto some stupid arsed grudge or other, and are just out to cause mischief and make Café Spike look stupid.

We’re stupid enough as it is thanks – we’ve been honing and developing our stupidity for years now, so knock it off or we’ll set the FBI on you again for being a cadre of aged sexually deviant weirdos. We have connections over there in Langley.

Just stick to your sad, tired world where nobody ever visits and cares even less.

Burgess Butthole

*No names have been mentioned in the articles in question but there’s nothing to say that such will remain the case. We win. As usual.


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski