Daily Express readers rushed to A&E after gorging on BULLSHIT over Easter weekend

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

Facebook and Twitter users today SLAMMED the DAILY EXPRESS as Accident and Emergency departments across the land were overwhelmed by readers complaining of severe stomach pains and experiencing breathing difficulties after absorbing copious amounts of bullshit.

“We haven’t had a weekend as hectic as this since since THE SUN broke the story about Freddie Starr eating an innocent hamster,” an exhausted A&E surgeon gasped as he leaned on a hospital radiator in Chatham. “The DAILY EXPRESS readers are a volatile and insular group at the best of times, but there was no way we could have predicted them flooding the system in such overwhelming numbers. Quite frankly we struggled to cope.” [Read more…]

Share

Theresa May’s Cleavage Not Worth A Wank

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

Cafe Spike broke ranks with the mainstream media this morning, following hysterical press coverage of Home Secretary Theresa May’s cleavage as revealed during a live television broadcast covering George Osborne’s budget speech in Westminster.

Quite frankly we were in total agreement with Zebediah Spalding, the former Arctic explorer turned political commentator who said: “For God’s sake let’s have some perspective here. There’s something desperately wrong with a society where the government exploit the poor and infirm in order to line the pockets of the ultra-privileged, and all that goes over the heads of the media, who seem more interested in an old woman’s tits than the abuse of the population. Definitely something wrong here.”

“Frankly speaking,” Cafe Spike’s Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock told us. “And without being sexist or anything, but whenever I see Theresa May on the telly my gaze is more focussed on the bags under her eyes and her awful hairstyles than anything located due south of there, which can be of no possible interest to anyone in possession of a hormone unless it’s a question of loyalty. Not really worth a wank in the greater scheme of things.

“On a cerebral level I must admit that I do sometimes regard the woman with a vague curiosity – often wondering to myself how such an incompetent buffoon could ever attain such an exalted position in government. But then I look at the rest of them and it isn’t difficult to work out.”

Even The Sun appeared to make a massive fuss over the cleavage exposure, which is somewhat ironic considering that they published page three glamour shots for decades and owner Rupert Murdoch only recently married a washed up model cum groupie whose own cleavage was recently described as resembling “a basset hound’s lug holes” by an undisclosed alleged source.

In other news, trains into London Waterloo station were disrupted again as another citizen of the fifth largest economy in the world, and the most rapidly developing economy in Europe threw herself under a train at Clapham Junction in sheer desperation.

Paddy Berzinski

Share

Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker

Share