Donald Trump Stole Kim Kardashian’s Bra, Swears Mail Reader

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

Avid Daily Mail reader Tom England is convinced that Donald Trump stole Kim Kardashian’s bra after pictures emerged of the reality TV star wearing a see-through top and no bra emerged on social media.

“When I saw the pictures of Kim all but showing her top bollocks off I knew straight away that somebody had stolen her bra, and that somebody has to be Donald Trump,” Mr England said last night. “He’s the only one who fits the bill. I used to be a Trump supporter but the recent revelations regarding his sexist exploits have put me right off him.

“It’s not at all like Kim to go out half dressed unless there’s a very good reason for it, and I’m convinced somebody stole her bra. Having completed an online course in criminal profiling I applied the basic principles to the case of Kim’s stolen bra and lo and behold, Donald Trump emerged as the prime suspect.

“My research has also revealed that Barack Obama has had full sex with Michelle Obama at least twice, that the Queen is really a man named Bert, and that Katie Price is a sex robot experiment that didn’t work out as planned.

“But of course the New World Order wouldn’t ever allow me to say such things in public. They’d have me assassinated or something.”

And…

That’s enough of that nonsense, thank you very much.

CS

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Cafe Spike Academy Opens Its Doors With Lifesaving Online Internet Survival Course

I Bet He Votes UKIP

I Bet He Votes UKIP

Here at Café Spike we’re always into turning a fast buck, and being as opportunistic and exploitative as we are, we’ve launched The Café Spike Academy – an unaccredited institution designed to strip you of your money in the most painless way possible. The Café Spike Academy is a non-profit organisation founded by Martin Shuttlecock and philanthropically tailored in order to help you get the most out of your life whilst keeping us supplied with things like beer, pies, mushy peas, gravy and black pudding.

In other words – it’s a win/win situation.

You win, and we win. (Except we probably make more out of it than you do. Or ever will.)

FAQ’s

So, what’s on offer?

Not much yet, to be honest. But we have launched our very first online subscription course:- How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself.

Is that it? What does it involve? And how much does it cost?

Now look here – we aren’t trying to impress anybody. We’re offering a service in return for a modest fee. Our Internet Survival course will teach you all you need to know about not making a complete tit of yourself online. The cost is minimal – as little as £59.99 per month. (Minimum 18 month contract with a buy out option which will probably become legally binding as soon as we no longer have a direct debit mandate. T&C’s mean absolutely nothing to us.)

So, what’s included in the package?

Here’s our brochure:

The Café Spike Academy

How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself

Ever made a proper buffoon of yourself by posting an outraged comment on an internet forum at a time when you’ve felt so angry that you’ve bitten half of your knuckles off? Before regretting it in the cold harsh light of day with a stinking hangover? Ever posted some inane, badly constructed drug induced comment on Facebook or Twitter? And then thought: “My God – I hope nobody who knows me has actually read that. Especially my boss at work…”?

We can help.

We’ve discovered that by using transcendental meditation, yoga, and banging your head into a wall for a bit before posting impulsive comments can be a life saver.

We will teach you:

The difference between they’re, there, and their.

The difference between country, countries and country’s.

How to use a spellchecker.

The difference between our and are.

How to post in lower case letters, and the reason why nobody actually reads things posted in shouty upper case letters with a plethora of misplaced apostrophes.

Apostrophes – how to use them in the correct context.

How to resist typing “VOTE UKIP YOU GNAW IT MAKE’S SENCE!!!”

We will also teach you about TROLLS.

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

TROLLS are cheeky people who don’t believe in God and often side with the Devil by being his advocate. TROLLS are like EVIL SPIRITS if you believe everything you read online. We’ll teach you how to ignore them as opposed to smashing all your furniture up in frustration.

The Café Spike Academy will provide one-to-one online tuition to all our subscribers at all times.*

*Providing we aren’t down the pub or having a kip or something.

The Café Spike Academy will provide a shoulder to cry on when you’re at your wits end, and advise you if you’re probably plagiarising established publications or journalistic signature stylisation.

All this and probably a lot less from only £59.99 per month, with the odd newsletter thrown in when we can be arsed.

*3D Interactive Service dependent on broadband availability and/or a supplementary £30.00 per month. (subject to gullibility)

That sounds great! Where do I sign my life away?

Send us a message and we’ll be on the case.

*Priority bookings can be accommodated for a one-off sweetener payment of £750

*Forthcoming attractions and courses from The Café Spike Academy: Stand-Up Comedy Performing For The Painfully Shy, and How To Avoid UKIP.

More details as we get them.

Possibly.

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