So we called that wrong – but Theresa May is still very much a dead woman walking

She certainly ain't Wonder Woman

She certainly ain’t Wonder Woman

As you, our sole reader may recall, we predicted that Theresa May would be gone by Monday, and it didn’t happen, although we weren’t exactly a million miles out on the prediction.

Instead we have the potential Coalition Of Chaos squatting in the in tray, with the DUP waiting in the wings. In short, despite all the bluster, the Tories are in a mess and it’s only the fact that they’ve had no real option other than a show of solidarity that Theresa May is still squatting in Number Ten.

So, how serious is this show of solidarity?

Personally I wouldn’t trust a single one of them. Consider Boris Johnson’s behaviour at the recent Cabinet meeting – shooting glares at Michael Gove three seats away as if threatening to take him out the back and give him a kicking. George Osborne (now mercifully out of the picture yet still one of the “breed”) going full on ballistic from the Evening Standard gun turrets and the opportunistic scramble for prominence amongst the whole gang of them.

We’d like to think of it as forced loyalty. Loyalty borne of necessity. Then there’s the toxic DUP to consider…

It won’t last long.

Paddy Berzinski

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May will be gone by Monday – Exclusive

Off you fuck Theresa.

Off you fuck Theresa.

As if a disastrous election campaign wasn’t bad enough for Theresa May and the Conservatives, they now appear to be looking for a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party in order to hold a razor thin majority in Westminster – a move which is sounding alarm bells in all quarters.

It seems it’s perfectly acceptable for Theresa May to form an alliance with a bunch of right wing religious zealots in order to cling on to power by her fingernails, yet when Jeremy Corbyn held conciliatory meetings with the IRA he was lambasted as the devil incarnate.

Clutching at straws, consorting with terrorists and jeopardising the Northern Ireland peace process by making deals with a group involved in a multi-million pound solar energy scam which almost bankrupted the province isn’t seen as the way to go by anyone – not even May’s fellow Tories.

She really is in an untenable position, and obviously in denial.

We’re predicting she’ll have no alternative other than to resign on Monday, as the desperation increases and reality kicks in. The only possible outcome is that she’ll be issued with an ultimatum by her own party.

She won’t accept being unceremoniously booted out leaving resignation as the only option.

Martin Shuttlecock

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For God’s Sake Woman – RESIGN!

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity...

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity…

You know what Theresa me old flower – take your austerity programme, take your police cuts, your local authority cuts, take your dementia tax, take your benefit sanctions, take your bring back fox hunting proposal, take your strength and stability, take your privatisation plan for the NHS, take your HS2, take your Brexit negotiation, take your ivory trade, take your privatisation plans for our energy, take your DUP chums, take your Saudi arms deals, take your Trump loving chums, take Iain Duncan Smith, take William Rees-Mogg and his multi-million pound government handouts, take the Mail, take the Express, take the Torygraph, take your running in wheat fields, take your “fuck me” shoes and take your necklaces made out of fox testicles and go.

Resign.

The people have had enough of you.

PS – Don’t forget to feed the cat on your way out.

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Theresa May addicted to lemon-sucking claims quack doctor

Is this possible? Could Theresa May’s continuously gurning visage be a side effect of uncontrolled lemon sucking or is it just a load of old nonsense? We contacted the quack doctor who made the outrageous claim and this is what he told us: [Read more…]

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How mental would a war with Spain be?

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm.

With all this guff about a war with Spain in defence of Gibraltar we got to thinking: What would happen? How would it play out?

We’ve concluded that such an event would be an absolute farce. Probably beginning with:

Theresa May ordering a seaborne invasion of Spain with a ‘Task Force’ comprising of an aircraft carrier with no planes. The Spanish President responds by appealing for volunteer fighters, but the appeal falls on deaf ears as the only Spaniards with any interest in coming to the cold damp UK are already here working in bars and restaurants. The rest like their sunshine, their senoritas and their La Liga and can’t be arsed.

Arron Banks funds a home defence unit and appoints Nigel Farage Captain of the Walmington on Sea platoon.

Theresa May makes plans for a bowling game with Donald Trump at Plymouth Hoe on D-Day2.0 and promises to wear ‘fuck me’ shoes and test the weight of Trump’s bowls.

In the meantime while the Spanish are watching El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona at the Bernabeu and lobbing pig heads onto the playing area, Britain launches a sneaky full on naval assault in a pincer movement, targeting the Northern port of Bilbao and the Med city of Barcelona.

In London, Spanish waiters retaliate by masturbating into the carbonara sauce of Conservative and UKIP voters.

The Royal Marines land on the beaches near Bilbao but the locals just laugh, befriend them and buy them Margaritas. The assault stalls as three Marine battalions are pinned down on the beach drinking and singing Julio Iglesias songs deep into the night. Fireworks are let off by the locals. Initial concern by the Marines is not in evidence.

“They’re just fireworks,” one says. “Best war I’ve ever been in. Apparently the lassie in the flamenco costume wants to take me for a paella. Wah hey! Get in!”

The Spanish President interrupts all media broadcasting to announce that Neymar’s third goal was a blatant handball after Barcelona’s 6-5 win at the Bernabeu and slams the Brazilian for being a “dirty cheating hijo de puta.” (Son of a bitch.)

Boris Johnson likewise interrupts all UK public broadcasting to complain that the Spanish aren’t taking this seriously.

The Spanish President responds by saying: “How can anybody take a gringo oaf like you seriously? You mop-headed Bullingdon Club muppet?”

Nigel Farage deserts the Walmington on Sea platoon and in defiance of orders commandeers a Piper Comanche light aircraft, which he proceeds to fly to somewhere near Berlin in order to beg for Angela Merkel to intervene and call for a halt to hostilities.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

The SAS storm the beaches at Barcelona but it’s too hot so they doff their uniforms and make camp. Before long they’re approached by hordes of weed dealers, prostitutes, human statues, jugglers and beggars. They all get stoned while they wait for orders. To keep the troops hydrated a convoy of waiters in tuxedos serve our boys absinthe and cocktails and tell the troops they’ll have to up sticks and move if they aren’t dining or have a pre-booked reservation.

One irate SAS officer on Barcelona beach threatens to shoot a particularly aggressive waiter in the head over a tipping argument but the face off is defused by a passing taxi driver who takes the SAS man twelve metres further down the beach for 20 Euro.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall announces that he’s been awarded the Victoria Cross for storming and holding single handedly an ice cream van on Las Ramblas as he penetrated enemy lines. Strangely the Twitter message bearing the announcement was posted from an IP address in Birkenhead.

Nigel Farage cocks up on the map reading and instead of landing in north-eastern Germany actually parachutes into North Korea. He is picked up by Kim Jong Un’s security forces and taken to Sandow Prison where he is interrogated by North Korean agents. Farage offers to treat Kim Jong Un to a black forest gateau, a bottle of Grouse and a bag of Walker’s crisps by way of a bribe. Jong Un refuses.

Angela Merkel tells Britain to stop being stupid. Douglas Carswell announces that he can’t take it any more and he’s moving to North Korea. ISIS release a video stating that they’re totally confused by the whole situation and can’t make head nor tail of it.

Donald Trump flies into Heathrow on Air Force 1 and tells everybody to calm down. “Just calm down,” he says. “Calm down. Right down. All the way down. Get Zen. Do it bigly. Chill the fuck out,” as he waves his tiny hands in soothing gestures.

Vladimir Putin calls Trump a “yellow bellied bastard” on Russian state TV. According to Trump’s spray-tanning technician and chief advisors there isn’t really any point arguing with that, so Trump lets it go. For now… He later calls Putin a “gay Russki poisoner” on Twitter but subsequently announces that his Twitter account has been hacked by a mysterious man in a hat in Manhattan.

Theresa May is absolutely gutted when a glamour photographer – mistaking her for an aspiring model – says that he wouldn’t waste valuable film on her. She retreats to Downing Street and kicks Geoffrey Hammond’s cat on the way in, sparking cries of outrage from animal activists. She will go on to call a halt to hostilities, recall the troops from Spain and cry herself to sleep.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

In an effort to secure Nigel Farage’s release, intrepid Mail reporter Katie Hopkins jets out to Pyongyang but turns back at the airport after discovering that North Korea is chock full of “smelly yellow low rent people.” She is violently sick on the return flight and an emergency landing in order to secure medical attention for the withered hack is only averted when Ms Hopkins reads a comment on Express online where somebody calling himself “RockHardJohnson” from Bromsgrove wrote: “She’s a bit of a pig but I’d give her one. For spite.”

Meanwhile back in Blighty everyone celebrates VE day (Victory over Europe day) by going down the pub and grumbling about gays and Muslims, apart from the Remoaners – who aren’t actually moaning any more, simply making plans to get the hell out while the going’s good – and Jeremy Corbyn calls for an election whereby he has as much chance of winning as he has of backing an athematic in a blow-football game against a free diver.

In North Korea Nigel Farage announces from his prison cell that he’s forming a new party – NKIP – North Korea Independence Party, based on anti-American propaganda and an inherent fear of the Japanese, calling for mass rallies and an end to immigration. Kim Jong Un laughs in his face, telling Farage that no fucker in his or her right mind would want to immigrate to North Korea but tacitly agrees to the proposition.

Arron Banks offers financial backing to NKIP, Douglas Carswell declares his intention to stand as the Member For Pyongyang Western Ward but is bitterly opposed by Paul Nuttall – winner of 8 Victoria Crosses in the Anglo-Spanish War.

Guy Verhofstadt reportedly died laughing and Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen invited Pippa Middleton to be Chief Bridesmaid at their impending nuptials in The Grand Central Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan.

Kim Jong Un advised North Koreans to “Keep Calm And Carry On.”

That’s enough.

ENOUGH!

It couldn’t possibly get any dafter.

Unless you know better…

Paddy Berzinski for www.cafespike.com

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Our Christmas message to politicians

Theresa May - hasn't got a fucking clue what Brexit means.

Theresa May – hasn’t got a fucking clue what Brexit means.

Dear politicians

Whilst we – the great British public – truly appreciate that you’ve taken the time and trouble to record personal Christmas messages to the nation, you really shouldn’t have bothered. [Read more…]

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Ten Christmas TV Specials We’d Love To See

It's Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch 'The Evil Dead.'

It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]

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Theresa May to go for a plucky Brexit

Theresa May - knows everything there is to know about shoes.

Theresa May – knows everything there is to know about shoes.

As the debate rages over whether Britain will take the ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ Brexit route it has emerged that in typically British fashion Theresa May appears to have plumped for a ‘plucky’ Brexit.

In true British spirit, a plucky Brexit will involve a great deal of posturing, lots of head shaking, sharp intakes of breath, lashings of knowing glances, a bit of shouting, much wringing of hands, a multitude of platitudes and the laying on thick of gallons of patronising guff.

“What it means basically is that we’ll be half way in and half way out,” a Downing Street source revealed. “We’ve based our strategy on the old song about the Grand Old Duke of York, whose ten thousand men when they were up were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up they were neither up nor down.

“That should be enough to baffle the Europeans so they haven’t a clue what’s happening either, satisfy the Brexiters who hadn’t got a clue what they were really voting for anyway, and appease the remainers who’d moan whatever happened.

“This way we get the best of both worlds – if the EU descends into meltdown we just tell them that we told them we were leaving anyway, and if our economy tanks we go back to the EU and just act like nothing happened. The PM’s a shrewd operator and she’s got an amazing shoe collection. She knows what she’s doing.

“Especially when it comes to shoes…”

More as we get it.

BMM

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Theresa May’s Cleavage Not Worth A Wank

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

Cafe Spike broke ranks with the mainstream media this morning, following hysterical press coverage of Home Secretary Theresa May’s cleavage as revealed during a live television broadcast covering George Osborne’s budget speech in Westminster.

Quite frankly we were in total agreement with Zebediah Spalding, the former Arctic explorer turned political commentator who said: “For God’s sake let’s have some perspective here. There’s something desperately wrong with a society where the government exploit the poor and infirm in order to line the pockets of the ultra-privileged, and all that goes over the heads of the media, who seem more interested in an old woman’s tits than the abuse of the population. Definitely something wrong here.”

“Frankly speaking,” Cafe Spike’s Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock told us. “And without being sexist or anything, but whenever I see Theresa May on the telly my gaze is more focussed on the bags under her eyes and her awful hairstyles than anything located due south of there, which can be of no possible interest to anyone in possession of a hormone unless it’s a question of loyalty. Not really worth a wank in the greater scheme of things.

“On a cerebral level I must admit that I do sometimes regard the woman with a vague curiosity – often wondering to myself how such an incompetent buffoon could ever attain such an exalted position in government. But then I look at the rest of them and it isn’t difficult to work out.”

Even The Sun appeared to make a massive fuss over the cleavage exposure, which is somewhat ironic considering that they published page three glamour shots for decades and owner Rupert Murdoch only recently married a washed up model cum groupie whose own cleavage was recently described as resembling “a basset hound’s lug holes” by an undisclosed alleged source.

In other news, trains into London Waterloo station were disrupted again as another citizen of the fifth largest economy in the world, and the most rapidly developing economy in Europe threw herself under a train at Clapham Junction in sheer desperation.

Paddy Berzinski

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Government’s Illegal Immigrant Deterrent Backfires

The Eyes Don't Have it...

The Eyes Don’t Have it…

The Government’s value for money ‘We’re Watching You’ initiative to halt illegal immigration to the UK has been ‘counter-productive’, with more illegals than ever pouring into the UK, says a damning report.

The news is a double-whammy for Home Secretary Theresa May following the High-court ruling not to extradite Abu Qatada to Jordan. [Read more…]

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