Titchfield Mayor says he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Titchfield’s controversial Mayor, Barry Slade today appeared to back down from his earlier announcement banning all Park Gate residents from entering the village by saying that he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters – just the ones he doesn’t like.

“Once again I have been misunderstood, clearly misquoted and misconstrued. Largely, bigly, yugely,” Mayor Slade said today. “Oh yes. Misunderstood. Always happens, happens all the time…yes.

“I haven’t banned ALL Park Gaters from the village. I never exactly said that, never said I was banning all of them. Not all of them; I’ve been misrepresented by these, these fake media reports. What I said wasn’t what I meant. Not what I meant at all.

“I’m just banning the ones I don’t like, those I don’t get along with. Like that crook of an accountant who once ripped me off. Him and some others. I’ll make an announcement after my next announcement, which isn’t about the ban, but about something else entirely. Oh yes. But I’ll get the job done, you can rest assured of that. The job will be done. Whether people like it or not.”

More on this as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Inauguration was “massive” insists Mayor Barry Slade

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

The mayor of Titchfield today announced that Friday’s inauguration ceremony at the abbey was, “massive, yugely attended, and the biggest and best ever.”

Despite eye-witness and photographic evidence which clearly show only eleven attendees (five of whom were intending to visit the neighbouring garden centre but took a wrong turn) Mayor Slade warned reporters (including us) not to look at the evidence, but to trust him, because he was there.

“I know what I saw,” Mayor Slade fumed. “I saw a lot of people, many people, a crowd going back as far as I could see – all the way down past the Fisherman’s Rest to Titchfield Mill. To suggest that only eleven people turned up for the inauguration is ridiculous. All those people, that crowd, all that clapping and cheering, I’ll never forget that. I know what I saw and I’m telling you that I’m absolutely correct, and the press is wrong. Very wrong. So very, very wrong. On every level. Just wrong.

“And I’ll tell you something else – my crowd was way bigger than the last Mayor’s. A lot bigger. Multiple times bigger. And it would have been bigger still if not for the road works on the A27 by Fareham station and the fact that they held the meat raffle two days early in that pub in Portchester.

“You’re all pathetic and fake anyway and I hate you all.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Titchfield Mayoral inauguration branded a flop

Mayor Barry Slade - defiant in the face of adversity.

Mayor Barry Slade – defiant in the face of adversity.

Officials have officially stated that the disappointing figures for Friday’s mayoral inauguration ceremony in the grounds of the abbey were ‘disappointing, to say the least,’ while newly sworn in Mayor, Barry Slade decried the claims by declaring the event a ‘resounding success which sent a message out to the world, the whole world, all of it, oh yes.’

Despite hiring 100 seats for the event, officials announced that only 11 had actually shown up, of which five were garden centre customers who had taken a wrong turn.

Mayor Slade blamed the dismal turnout on ‘adverse conditions and women,’ claiming that tailbacks on the M62 had caused problems and that many visitors became distracted by the allure of a farmers’ market just up the road in Fareham, adding that women didn’t help the situation because ‘they always want their own way.’

“It was bladdy big load of shit innit,” said burger van entrepreneur Ali Bullo. “They tell me six hundred coming so I pay thirty pound for license, come with hundred burger, I sell not one. Is bladdy rip-off and big waste of time. Nobody come, nobody buy burger, Tommy Cooper impersonator – him not come. Is all a bladdy big con innit …”

Mayor Slade dismissed his critics by saying they just couldn’t get along with his anti-everything stance.

“Seems obvious to me that in this village the women wear the pants,” he said. “Women should stop talking and trying to interfere with business and get busy in the bedroom and the kitchen because they aren’t good for much else. If you ask me they have too much influence, way too much influence. The guys of Titchfield need to grow a pair, that’s right, grow a pair, a big pair, a yuge pair, and put their foot down with a firm hand before we become a nation of pussies. Pussies…yes…”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Titchfield Councillor calls for withdrawal from Fareham Market

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Somebody who vaguely resembles Councillor Cheeseman pictured before he got leathered down the pub recently.

Titchfield TCIP (Titchfield and Catisfield Independence Party) councillor Nobby Cheeseman has called on Titchfield traders to withdraw from Fareham market on the basis that that the market is undemocratic, a dictatorship, and that Fareham Borough Council’s stance on imported cheeses from outside farmers’ markets and French markets is devaluing traditional Titchfield cheese producers.

“We must retake Titchfield and regain control over our cheese market,” Councillor Cheeseman said over a pint and a ploughman’s at Titchfield Mill. “I’m not cheesist in any way but when Titchfield cheese producers put their goods on offer at Fareham Market there’s way too much red tape and they’re subjected to extortionate fees for stall rental and, quite frankly outrageous parking fees. We need to get out now and start our own cheese market. I’ve heard there’s a massive demand for Titchfield cheeses in outer Mongolia, and that’s how we should be looking at this issue. There’s a global market out there, so why bother with Fareham? It doesn’t make sense and it’s a bad deal for Titchfield. Our cheesemakers contribute about £350 per week to Fareham Borough Council, and that money would be better spent on First Aid courses at the village hall. We should have it painted on the side of a transit van or something to promote awareness.”

Local dimwit and aspiring politician Tom Slavish commented: “I’m not sure what’s happening here to be honest but I’ll assess the situation, test the waters and then come out on the side of whoever’s winning the argument.”

More as we get it.

Cafe Spike

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Titchfield Mayor Elect – Inauguration show line up

Titchfield residents are said to be excited by the inauguration show.

Titchfield residents are said to be excited by the inauguration show.

Newly elected Titchfield Mayor, Barry Slade has finally announced the line up ahead of his inauguration in the grounds of Titchfield Abbey tomorrow. (Weather permitting.) [Read more…]

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Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.

MS

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Local Man comes 7th in Tatty Beard Contest

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Titchfield resident Clive Bonkers was celebrating this morning after being awarded 7th place at the 6th Annual Telford Tatty Beard Contest. Although he missed out on the prizes Mr Bonkers was delighted by his placing in the contest.

“There were only seven people in my category,” Mr Bonkers explained. “And technically I finished last, although I’m not too disappointed because there was an entrant from Newcastle who failed to qualify because he over tattified his beard by putting baked beans and fag ends in it. So in reality I didn’t finish last. It was his own fault though – there are strict guidelines regarding over-tattification. Had he not smeared the beans and fag ends in his beard he may well have actually won, because his beard was proper tatty.”

Mr Bonkers travelled up to Telford in his mate Gerry’s van. He explained that for the entire drive up there he left the passenger side window open in order to promote beard entanglement.

“Beard entanglement is where the individual beard hairs get windblown, leading to entanglement and even knotting,” Mr Bonkers explained. “It’s very important in this game because the judges place great importance on natural entanglement. You can’t just twist the hairs together manually – the judges would spot that a mile off. We were moderately successful in that regard, but our technique obviously needs working on.”

“I don’t know how I get sucked into this nonsense,” Mr Bonkers’ friend Gerry told us. “I mean, tatty beard contest? It’s just mental. I only tag along because I’ve got nothing better to do, but I really must start using my time more productively. I might join the local operatic society or something. I’m a crap singer but anything’s better than trailing up and down the country doing tatty beard contests.”

Mr Bonkers’ enthusiasm remains undiminished.

“I shall be entering the 12th Annual Ripon Raggy Tache Contest next March,” he told us.

I’m sure we all wish Mr Bonkers every success.

Paddy Berzinski

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