“Tits get clicks” claim hotly disputed by failed website Editor

Very nice and all that but it doesn't attract readers.

Very nice and all that but it doesn’t attract readers.

Claims that naked breasts and cleavage pictures in online articles attract viewers have been hotly disputed by online magazine editor Martin Shuttlecock, of www.cafespike.com

“What a load of old shite,” Shuttlecock said. “Tits – big, small, perfectly formed, pert or whatever – make no difference whatsoever to the amount of clicks an article gets. It’s all bollocks is that. We’ve tried just about everything short of animal porn to attract readers and our most successful story in our undistinguished history featured a really shit picture of The Scoop in London in an article about the MP for Fareham in Hampshire.

“So that’s that theory well and truly fucked.

“If anyone out there has any ideas how to make our failing website more popular we’ll be glad to hear them.

“Just don’t ask us to start writing quality articles – because basically we’re fucking hopeless.”

*Don’t pass this crap on to your friends because frankly it’s all becoming something of an embarrassment.

BMM

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George Osborne Might Have Snorted Cocaine Off My Bare Tits – Bradford Prostitute

We couldn't print a picture of the prostitute so you'll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

We couldn’t print a picture of the prostitute so you’ll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

A Bradford prostitute who we can’t name for legal reasons has suggested that the Chancellor Of The Exchequer might have snorted high grade cocaine off her tits at a sordid sex party held in a West End Hotel.

The revelation came as the 58 year old woman appeared at Bradford Magistrates Court on a charge of not having a valid TV licence. When asked if she had anything to say in her defence she alleged that George Osborne might have snorted cocaine off her tits one time and that if such a thing had actually happened it could well have been the mitigating factor that sent her into a downward spiral of poverty and depravity.

Rejecting the claim, the magistrates found the woman guilty as charged and ordered her to pay a £200 fine and attend psychiatric counselling.

We managed to catch up with the woman outside the court complex to ask if there was any truth in her sordid allegation.

“Course it’s true,” she insisted. “I’ve had loads of politicians, pop stars, actors and telly presenters snort coke off me tits in me time. Osborne was one of ’em for sure. There’s nowt wrong wi’ my memory love. That Jeremy Hunt were a bugger for a bit o’ back door action, Iain Duncan Smith used to get a kick out of chaining me to a radiator and beating me swede in wi’ a baseball bat and Cameron’d ask us to fluff him up before he give it rice wi’ an ‘am shank afore he sniffed coke off me tits. It’ll all come out one day. Mark my words.”

We can’t be 100% certain that she was telling the truth, but nothing surprises us any more. Heaven help us all.

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike

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