Japanese student sucked down creep’s toilet

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The mystery disappearance of a female Japanese student has finally been explained by her landlord, who neighbours and fellow tenants described as a ‘creep.’

19 year old Sukira Yamamoto, a student from Yokohama disappeared last year during a Halloween party at her flat in Worthing and despite an intensive international police investigation there were no obvious conclusions to be drawn for seasoned investigators.

Until now.

Ms Yamamoto’s landlord, Christopher Cummings provided the solution when he expounded the theory that Ms Yamamoto had been sucked down the toilet by “a person or entity hitherto unknown.”

“It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Cummings told investigating officers. “It was an otherwise normal Halloween party, with guests in fancy dress getting drunk and high. Sukira went to the toilet and that was the last we saw of her. The only explanation I can come up with is that someone or something sucked her down the toilet for reasons we may never know.

“What I’m absolutely sure of is that I certainly did not follow her to the bathroom, choke her to death with electrical cord, haul her body back to my flat, keep it in the bathtub until later, perform a series of shockingly depraved sexual acts upon her corpse and then freeze it in a chest freezer in the garage before putting the frozen remains through a wood-chipper in the dead of night. That would just be weird. She definitely got sucked down the bog and that’s all there is to it.”

“To be honest with you we were at a loss as to what fate might have befallen Ms Yamamoto,” Inspector George ‘Nipper’ Crabbe of Sussex Police told us. “But with Mr Cummings’ statement all becomes abundantly clear. She was obviously sucked down the shitter by somebody, so we’ll be having a look down the sewers to see if we can find further clues. We’re grateful to Mr Cummings for his input – even though he is a bit of a weirdo who’s on the sex offenders register. His collection of bloodstained lingerie provided some much needed light relief for investigating officers. As far as we’re concerned it’s case closed.”

Ms Yamamoto became the 19th tenant of Mr Cummings to disappear over the last three years.

“That’s a bit weird,” admitted Inspector Crabbe. “But we’re not reading too much into it at this point.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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David Cameron ‘not well’ following haggis binge

PM looking like he's really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

PM looking like he’s really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

Unreliable sources told us today that PM David Cameron has been taken ill following a day of binge eating on the campaign trail which saw him eat a fried egg, some haggis and a hot dog. (Which he ate with a knife and fork because he’s dead posh.) Our source revealed that Mr Cameron collapsed with stomach cramps at Number Ten whilst watching Thunderbirds on catch-up TV.

Whether or not Samantha flew into a blind panic and called an ambulance has yet to be established.

“She probably did though,” said our political correspondent Jeremy Stubbs. “I mean I would have. It’s a dodgy combination, fried egg, haggis and a hot dog. If I’d scoffed that little lot I’d be stuck on the toilet until at least News at Ten, and I don’t see why the PM should be any different. It isn’t like he’s Superman or something.”

Here at Café Spike we quite like haggis, but we aren’t all that convinced it’s a good idea combining it with fried egg and a hot dog. We reckon Mr Cameron was just pretending to enjoy these food items in an attempt to connect with the man in the street, and that under normal circumstances he wouldn’t touch grub like this with a bargepole.

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

“I don’t trust him either,” said Jeremy Stubbs (who is also an accomplished mind reader.) “As far as I’m concerned he’s a massive flop, and no amount of hot doggery or haggis chomping will convince me otherwise. He’s done nothing but tell lies and witter on about nothing since he moved into Downing Street. He’s just a posh git who wants to give the most vulnerable people in our society a bloody good kicking. Along with his psychopathic mate – Iain Duncan Smith. I don’t wish him any harm but I really do hope he has the screaming shits all night and that his huge forehead collapses in on itself.”

Coming next – a story which might actually have a grain of truth in it.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock with Jeremy Stubbs

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