9/11 – 15 Years On – Enough Of The Conspiracy Theory Crap

Sadly it wasn't a movie.

Sadly it wasn’t a movie.

If you happen to be one of those people who insist that the terrible events of 09/11/01 were some kind of New World Order conspiracy, and subscribe to the insanity that suggests that the entire series of events was somehow staged by the US government, then you really need to wake up, get a grip and keep your stupid shit to yourself.

With just about every conceivable conspiracy theory surrounding 9/11 having been long ago thoroughly debunked, just hold your hands up, take it on the fucking chin and admit that you got it all horribly wrong.

Your sick theories not only get dumber and stupider – they get increasingly offensive.

Four planes were hijacked, two hit the twin towers, one hit The Pentagon and the fourth was brought down in a field in Pennsylvania after courageous passengers fought the terrorists. Sadly we all know the rest.

So stick your idiotic theories about controlled demolition, Building 7, Thermite, Muslims taking that day off, the insane idea that the planes and those poor people weren’t even real, just some sort of movie SFX up your arses and show some fucking respect.

A lot of people died that day and many are dying today as the toxic dust takes its tragic toll on countless survivors.

So, just shut the fuck up.

Eh?

Cafe Spike dot com

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Nobody panics as insignificant sinkhole appears in Bedford back garden

We had to get a dickhead in with a spirit level trying to look like he's working for a living

We had to get a dickhead in with a spirit level trying to look like he’s working for a living

When Bedford firefighter John Snape went to mow his back lawn on Sunday he was shocked to discover a sinkhole at least an inch deep and up to five inches across in parts. Despite this jolt to the system Mr Snape related that he kept calm throughout and refused to panic.

“I didn’t panic,” he said. “It was tempting but I refused to give in to it, so I just took a deep breath and went inside to make a cup of tea and break the news to my wife.”

“I was shocked too,” Mrs Snape admitted. “But I didn’t panic. I just sat down, thought it through and tried to make some sense out of it.”

Local gardener and radio show host Alan Titmus was consulted and immediately began a thorough investigation.

” I soon discovered that the Snapes had recently laid new rolls of turf in the back garden,” Mr Titmus told us. “And they didn’t run a heavy roller over it after it was laid. When that happens you can get voids which resemble tiny sinkholes, so I’ve told the Snapes to run the roller over it and it should be okay. It’s the kind of mistake amateur gardeners make all the time and it can be quite shocking when it happens but it’s nothing too serious. I’m just glad they had the presence of mind to not panic. Panicking is never a good thing, no matter how traumatic things may appear to be.”

“It was a shock but thanks to Alan Titmus we got the bottom of the mystery,” Mr Snape said. “At least now we’ll be able to get on with our lives without having to worry about the possibility of plunging into a bottomless pit.”

JC

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The Election Result Is Way Beyond Parody

We're All Hiding Mate - You Are Not Alone

We’re All Hiding Mate – You Are Not Alone

Most people who write for Café Spike have at one time or another published satirical news stories, parodies, lampoons, spoofs or whichever way you’d care to describe them. Some have been quoted in actual newspapers, like the Daily Telegraph, Metro (Although we aren’t quite sure that counts) and we’ve been mentioned on TV quite a few times. The most memorable for me was when Sky News announced that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, and Harry Potter author JK Rawling were all set to: “collaborate on a novel – more after the break.”

During the break somebody must have realised that the story was a piss-take, because they didn’t mention it again. So near, and yet so far… Almost had you there Kay Burley…damn it.

We’ve pretty much held back on the parody news scene since we got started, yet others continue to fill the void, sometimes with great wit and originality, other times maybe a bit less so – broadly meaning that they’re a bit shit. But over the course of the 2015 General Election in the UK, the world of online satire has been bountifully blessed with myriad virtual orchards hanging heavy with rich pickings.

We looked at this and we just thought – how the fuck do you lampoon something that’s already a spoof of a satire of a parody in the first place?

Was this election the politicians’ way of taking the piss out of us?

When you consider that the electorate actually voted for the lynchpins of the worst performing government for a century, that the electorate voted for £12 billion worth of cuts directed at the sick and vulnerable whilst the multi-billion earning corporations get away with paying a big fat zero in taxes and that we had national newspapers publishing tactical voting guides in order to prevent the possibility of some sort of Satanic alliance between Labour and the SNP, then parody becomes impossible.

The entire process has been one massive piss-take directed at a gullible British public, a dirty tricks campaign that plumbed the depths of depravity from the moment it got off the ground. The press went into overdrive, roundly slagging off anybody who posed the slightest threat to the future prosperity of the rich in their ivory towers. They already admitted that over the last five years the rich have got even richer, whilst everybody else – especially the “hard working” – have become progressively poorer.

And the Conservatives actually won a majority! How stupid are we as a nation?

Of course there were a few minorly humorous diversions – such as Nigel and his purple revolution only getting the one seat as opposed to the landslide his delusional followers were so confidently expecting. Nigel failing in his election bid (again) was another. George Galloway and Esther McVey losing their seats left us with a nice warm feeling, as did the resignations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, but truth is stranger than fiction, as the old adage goes, thus any attempt at parody would have been far less ironic or funny than the reality of it all.

At least the Scots didn’t fall for all the bullshit, but they’ll be the only ones chuckling over their porridge at breakfast time. For the rest of us the outlook is bleak.

Still, we could always move to Scotland, although the Scots would probably rip the piss out of us as well. Why not? We deserve it.

Paddy Berzinski

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