Ten Christmas TV Specials We’d Love To See

It's Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch 'The Evil Dead.'

It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]

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Hidden Netflix Gold Revealed – ‘Still Game’

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

If you’re a Netflix subscriber you already know that there are hidden gems to be found there, whatever your tastes – it’s just that sometimes people need to be nudged in the right direction in order to discover them. One such hidden gem which I stumbled upon recently is Still Game. If you’re a comedy connoisseur you need to check out Still Game as a matter of urgency.

The Netflix blurb does this fantastic sit-com no favours whatsoever, describing it in simplistic terms as the exploits of two Glaswegian pensioner pals, Jack and Victor. It’s a description that barely scratches the surface.

Jack and Victor live in Craiglang, a council estate in inner city Glasgow and spend much of their time in a schemie pub, The Clansman, jousting with Bobby the barman along with their pals, Winston and Tam. Pipe smoking Jack buys his tobacco from Navid’s mini-mart, where local gossip Isa scrubs the floors with little regard for Navid’s constant sniping at his “fat cow” of a wife Mina, or with Mina’s acerbic remarks in retaliation.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

We can say here without spoiling anything for potential viewers that the boys’ encounters with neds (non-educated delinquents) officialdom, women, devil dogs, further education, hospital radio, the fast food business, DIY, motoring and pleasure cruising are an absolute delight.

Originally only broadcast in Scotland, Still Game is highly regarded by the comedy cogniscienti and with five series available on Netflix there’s plenty to get your teeth into, with a new series in the making according to reliable sources.

Oh, and don’t be put off by middle Englander wankers who couldn’t understand the accents in Rab C Nesbitt and various other Scottish productions, because Still Game makes Glaswegian sexy and it’s easy to follow.

Although it’s not advisable to greet everyone you meet with: “Hello there ya prick!”

Tempting – yes. Advisable – no.

Ted Pemberton

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Can YOU spot TV Chef James Martin hiding in these pizzas?

Is he there? Is he balls...

Is he there? Is he balls…

Following in the magnificent tradition of crap news websites like the Mail and the Express we thought we’d give our readers a really stupid and pointless ‘can you spot’ the whatever the fuck it may be feature.

So can you spot TV chef James Martin hiding amongst these really shite drawings of pizzas?

We couldn’t.

Probably because he isn’t even in the bloody stupid drawing in the first place.

Go back to Saturday Kitchen James. You know it makes sense.

Carry on.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Leonard Nimoy Autopsy Shocker On The Cards

Autopsy Shocker On The Cards

Autopsy Shocker On The Cards

Café Spike regrets to announce the death of actor Leonard Nimoy today at the age of 83. Leonard made his name and his fortune by his portrayal of Mr Spock in the Star Trek television series and movie franchise, but our literary reviewer Ted Pemberton insists that Mr Nimoy’s autopsy results will come as a shock to vast legions of ‘Trekkies’ all around the world.

Ted, who met Mr Nimoy at a Star Trek convention in Las Vegas in 1993 explains:

“I was on holiday in Las Vegas at the time. I was very drunk and I wandered into a Star Trek convention in Vegas when I was introduced to Mr Nimoy. I hadn’t a clue who he was because I never watched the show, but he seemed nice enough. It was only afterwards as I was sliding down the bar in an absolutely drunken stupor that somebody pointed out to me who he was and gave me a potted history of the Spock character.

“He isn’t really half Vulcan, and the pointed earholes were just primitive prosthetics. He’s as human as you and me – although during his illustrious life he was probably considerably less pickled half the time. Come the autopsy I think it’ll be a right shock to his legions of fans who really believed he was an alien who made his living swanning about the universe in a starship. Sadly it was all just an illusion.

“Leonard was hardly an alien being possessed of a sense of incisive logic like his character. When I met him he’d lost his car keys, which doesn’t really gel with the character he played on screen. It’ll doubtless come as a shock to those who thought it was all real, but not to me. He barely even said ‘hello’ when he realised I wasn’t a fan. Still, at least he wasn’t an irritating twat like that George Takei fellow who employs dozens of people to flood Facebook and Twitter with a load of old shite.”

Leonard Nimoy – Definitely not a Vulcan.

RIP

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Catch Yerself On Son – Jim McDonald’s Back In Corrie – So He Is

It's Grim Up North So It Is

It’s Grim Up North So It Is

Coronation Street fans the world over were left reeling Friday evening following the revelation that D Wing’s Mister Big – supplier of illicit alcohol to fellow prison inmates, aka The Landlord – is none other than failed husband, father and bank robber, Jim McDonald. The big reveal occurred when wrongly detained remand prisoner and hopeless alcoholic Peter Barlow, son of Ken, got so desperate doing time that he couldn’t resist a drink.

The Landlord would seem to be an obvious choice to approach in pursuit of incarcerated alcoholic oblivion.

Eagle eyed viewers were confidently expecting Al Murray to show up in Strangeways and flog the hapless Peter some dodgy weak beer at vastly inflated London pub prices, but they pretty soon caught themselves on so they did when Jim McDonald turned to face the cameras.

Prison - Like Bloody Butlin's These Days

Prison – Like Bloody Butlin’s These Days

It’s a complicated scenario – particularly in an historical context – because even though Peter Barlow was arrested for a murder he didn’t commit (it was Rob) Jim is no stranger to murder and mayhem, having been almost a murder victim himself when Steve McDonald shoved him off a roof and having murdered somebody himself (that drug dealer who was in the ICU when Jim smothered him with a pillow.)

Ironically, Peter’s sister Tracy has also served time for murder after hitting her then husband Charlie over the head with a blunt ornament, and the pair’s stepmother, Dierdre once married an Egyptian who got stabbed to death on a canal bank. In a tragic coincidence, it’s Tracy’s partner, Rob who actually killed Tina McIntyre because she was making the beast with two backs with his sister’s husband, Peter.

I suspect, but don’t quote me on it.

Anyway, Peter’s dad, Ken is back from Canada where he hasn’t been facing a court case with Kevin Webster over some kind of sex charge and he’s determined to get Peter off, although he isn’t thus far aware that his daughter’s boyfriend Rob is the real killer. I’m confident that he’ll catch himself on so he will with a little help from The Landlord.

To be brutally honest, none of this makes one iota of sense to me, but I was assigned to cover the story, so I caught myself on so I did – after a fashion and did a Wikipedia search.

I’m just praying that these sadistic swines here at Café Spike don’t ask me to cover Dallas or Downton Abbey.

So I am.

Reporter – Ted Pemberton.

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