Paul Nuttall – Internet Sensation

No swivel eyed loon this lad.

No swivel eyed loon this lad.

In this, the first of what may or may not develop into some kind of series, we take a look at iconic British heroes, kicking off with ex-professional footballer, Stoke on Trent resident and Hillsborough survivor, UKIP leader Paul Nuttall PhD who is definitely not a racist. (Allegedly.)

Paul Nuttall has become something of an internet sensation recently, and for all the wrong reasons. Although Nuttall has distanced himself from claims made on his website, blaming anyone but himself it seems that the public aren’t buying it, and the response on social media has been an avalanche of merciless piss-taking on a level only surpassed by Agent Orange, the President of the United States.

If you believe everything you read on the internet, Paul Nuttall has been everywhere and done just about everything, ever, in the history of the world.

Paul’s been everywhere man. He was the one who noticed that Noah was missing a few animals on the ark. This is why we have wombats today.

Paul was at Waterloo don't you know.

Paul was at Waterloo don’t you know.


We don’t know who put all these memes together as they’re just screen grabs but if the authors responsible would care to drop us a line we’ll be happy to add names to the collection..


Paul holding the fort with Stanley Baker at Rourke's Drift. He also starred in the film Zulu!

Paul holding the fort with Stanley Baker at Rourke’s Drift. He also starred in the film Zulu!

Give me your money NOW! Paul was on the bill at Live Aid.

Give me your money NOW! Paul was on the bill at Live Aid.

1066 and all, Paul battled with migrants at Hastings.

1066 and all, Paul battled with migrants at Hastings.

I hope my legs don't break - walking on the moon...

I hope my legs don’t break – walking on the moon…

I'm Spartacus! Paul showed the ancient Greeks a thing or two.

I’m Spartacus! Paul showed the ancient Greeks a thing or two.

Paul pictured with the late and much lamented Rik Mayall filming the hit TV show Bottom.

Paul pictured with the late and much lamented Rik Mayall filming the hit TV show Bottom.

The last supper. Paul about to tuck into a chicken Jalfrezi. Lovely!

The last supper. Paul about to tuck into a chicken Jalfrezi. Lovely!




Brexit voters ARE old racist xenophobic coffin dodging wankers – you read it here first

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

Let’s just take a moment to consider the motivation of Brexit voters, [Read more…]


Help Us To Save Nigel Farage

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet – still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Having heard that Nigel Farage has received death threats from anonymous sources and that he can’t go out in public without fearing for his personal safety we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and we’ve come up with a rather rollicking good plan to keep the sainted Lord Nigel alive and safe. But we need YOUR help.

We propose to commission a ten foot square steel cube with twelve inch thick walls and a big feeding tube attached and then put Nigel in it and bury it two hundred feet deep in Death Valley in his beloved USA, where he’ll be completely untouchable and safe from all the lunatics who wish him harm and threaten to loosen the wheel nuts on his car and suchlike.

Above ground we’ll install a pod containing a dozen highly trained SAS men to guard the feed tube and send Lord Nigel copious quantities of John Bull best bitter, Benson and Hedges, Pringles, salsa dip and regular copies of the DAILY EXPRESS so he can bask in the hero worship of his sycophantic fan base.

We reckon it’ll cost about £3 million but it’ll be money well spent if it keeps Nigel safe, and here’s where you come in…

Send us your donation now, the greater the sum the more it’ll make Saint Nigel safe from harm.

If you’d rather contribute towards maintaining Lord Nigel’s sartorial elegance you can contribute to our kit appeal, which may well keep the Good Lord Nigel in mustard coloured corduroy trousers, tasselled loafers, crombie coats (with velvet collars of course) and hacking jackets.

Send in YOUR donation NOW to KEEP Saint Nigel safe this Christmas and for years to come.

**UPDATE** We hadn’t factored into the financial costing a toilet facility, so PLEASE donate an extra £100 so that King Nigel can have a safe place to meditate.

After all – the last thing we’d want would be for Father Nigel to drown in his own effluence.

That would just be wrong.

Cafe Spike


Trump To Deport Nigel Farage

You're fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

You’re fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

US President Elect, Donald Trump is to have Nigel Farage deported from the USA as soon as possible after discovering that the creepy little shit isn’t some big shot politician after all – just some half arsed chancer who showed up at Trump Tower prostituting himself like a three dollar whore. [Read more…]


99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”


All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.


UKIP to offer EXPRESS readers FREE online remedial ENGLISH lessons

Dear Niggle - ah fink yew are..."

Dear Niggle – ah fink yew are…”

Reports are suggesting that UKIP are set to roll out a programme of free online remedial English lessons for its members who comment on the DAILY EXPRESS website after a study found that 99.7% of kipper comments were “frankly quite fucking embarrassing,” according to an insider.

“No wonder the public at large think UKIP members are as thick as bollocks,” said UKIP representative Paul Nutter. “I’m all in favour of taking our country back – but not for these fucking idiots. They’re an embarrassment. They don’t even seem to have a grasp of the basics, like punctuation and when to use capitals, and when it comes to the difference between there, their and they’re – they’re fucking clueless.

“They’re the same with your and you’re. And let me tell you I’ve wept tears of blood at the number of times I’ve seen people wanting to reclaim our “boarders.” It’s a disgrace really, when the migrants speak better English than the natives, so we’re rolling out this education programme.

“I very much doubt it’ll have much effect. To be honest I’m thinking of defecting to the Tories.”


More as we get it.



Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski


Mad Woman Harassed By Pervert – says Barking Mad Murphy

C'mon - you know you wanna...Christ this is awkward...

C’mon – you know you wanna…Christ this is awkward…

Women. Sexism. Glass ceilings. Women have it hard (Ooh Missus!) and nothing comes easy.

Success for women comes at a price. Cue UKIP. Cue Diane James, newly elected UKIP leader, breaking glass ceilings, breaking down sexist barriers, and getting her just desserts for the fruits of her labour…

A monster kiss from Nigel Farage. Ouch. Nobody deserves that.

Not even Diane James. Not in Bournemouth either – even though Bournemouth has been named as the UK’s most right wing city. Nothing spectacular about Bournemouth, just a dip in the cliffs, a pier and a crap fairground.

And Nigel Farage lacking only a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hat and a bucket and spade.

Closing in like a vulture on a dying wildebeest.

The sheer horror of it all.

Nigel’s Casanova technique could use some work, that’s for sure.

We really don’t need to be seeing this.

She should have slapped his face.

Or got a room.

Plenty available.

In Bournemouth.


We shudder to think…

Barking Mad Murphy.

For cafe spike dot com


Mississippi Republican thought Nigel Farage was an alien

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”


More as we get it.


UKIP voters to grow moustaches in homage to Farage

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen - allegedly.

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen – allegedly.

Now that he’s got “our country back” and stepped down as UKIP leader in order to get his life back one might be forgiven for hoping that we’d seen the last of Nigel Farage, but no, just like the proverbial bad penny the obnoxious little twerp keeps on rearing his fugly toad like head and spouting bollocks across the media.

Now he’s even grown a moustache – although God knows why, because he looks an even bigger twonk with a ‘tache – and UKIP voters are following the Fuhrer’s lead in a bid to achieve the suave, debonair WWII fighter pilot look.

Although we think he looks more like the dirty rotten scoundrel he really is. The despicable cad.

“I’m growing a ‘tache like Nigel,” said UKIP voter Eddie Thickneck from Thanet. “And so are all me mates, and I hope all UKIP voters follow suit then we can recognise each other in pubs and that and strike up friendships and stuff with like minded bigots we might not otherwise have known think like what we do.”

“I think growing a ‘tache like Nigel is a great idea showing solidarity among patriotic Brexiteers,” said UKIP voter George Goebbels of Sunderland. “And it’s not sexist at all because all the women who vote UKIP have ‘taches too so it’s a win-win all round.”

The mind boggles…