Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for


UKIP Plan to reintroduce steam engines, rickets and head lice

Here's a steam train we cleaned up earlier.

Here’s a steam train we cleaned up earlier.

Sources are reporting that in a bid to assuage disgruntled Brexit supporters who were expecting a 21st century re-enactment of Kristallnacht and a Stalinesque purge, UKIP will be campaigning to reintroduce steam engines on British railways, and throw in rickets and head lice for the kiddies as an added bonus.

“This is great, the best news I’ve heard in decades,” said Daily Express comments section veteran NotaNaziReally. “It’ll be just like the glorious 50’s and 60’s before the moose limb invasion and will certainly put the Great back in Britain. We”l have proper trains again – where the driver and fireman shit on the same shovel they cook their breakfast bacon and eggs on and bandy legged kids all over the place scratching their heads like men possessed. I can’t wait!”

But the plans haven’t exactly been met with unanimous approval.

“I was never keen on steam trains, or rickets, diphtheria, scurvy or any of that stuff,” said veteran journalist Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers from Nottingham. “I lived near the main line as a nipper and the passing trains used to shake the bones of the house, as well as spew out sparks and soot and all manner of filth. And there were nowt nostalgic baht my childhood – none of us kids ever had enough to eat and we were all forever poorly. Why anyone would ever want to go back to them days is beyond me. Mind you, I were younger then, and a bit more sprightly than I am now, but that’s abaht it really.”

“Ha! This Inchcock character sounds like a proper PC cultural Marxist lefty traitor to me,” retorted NotANaziReally. “I’d be willing to bet he voted to remain in the EU along with his fellow Trotskyite Marxist EUSSR shills. Some people really don’t think these things through…”

More when Nelson gets his eye back.

Cafe Spike dot com


Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.


Nigel Farage’s Gypsy Grandmother Put A Curse On The England Football Team

This might be her - it might not. Who knows?

This might be her – it might not. Who knows?

This has got to be our weirdest story of the week, but we are assured by a bloke down the pub that it’s all true.

It appears that in 1966 Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother was having an affair with a German potter named Otto; contemporaries say (apparently) that she was thoroughly smitten, and that the feeling was reciprocal.

Otto was a great football fan and a fanatical follower of the German national team, and apparently he freaked out when the Russian linesman awarded a goal for Geoff Hurst’s off the crossbar shot during extra time which was England’s third and Hurst’s second of the day.

Otto went mad, shrieking and wailing until Hurst smashed the decisive fourth goal past Tilkowski for his hat trick, at which point Otto commenced smashing up the gypsy caravan which the couple called home.

In response, Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother laid a curse on the England football team which endures to this day, a curse which she steadfastly refuses to lift – even when approached by a tearful Glen Hoddle.

Not only that – she further cursed England by inflicting young Nigel on us – saying that he’s a bit like Damian out of The Omen and that he’ll destroy England forever.

Of course we can’t swear that it’s true, but it does make for interesting reading if you’ve nothing better to do.

Martin Shuttlecock


Calais Migrants Celebrate Brexit Vote

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

Thousands of migrants in the Jungle refugee camp on the outskirts of Calais have been applauding Britain’s referendum decision to part company with the EU, with parties and celebrations continuing throughout the weekend.

“This is wonderful news for us, and we’d all like to send our heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude to the patriotic British Brexit voters who have furnished us with this fantastic opportunity,” said Mohammed Abassi, a Sudanese Muslim refugee. “In the past we’ve been hassled by the French police, who stop us from accessing the lorries bound for England, but now that Britain wants no truck with the French they’ll just let us do what we want because they just aren’t bothered any more.

“I’m told that getting to England will be much easier now as the frontier will be at Dover. Once we’re in, we’re in and there are many things we can do legally in order to stay. I love Brexit! Three cheers for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson!”

“To be honest, when I voted for Brexit I didn’t envisage this,” said Britain First supporter Mickey “Knuckles” Cummings of Ashford, Kent. “Can somebody explain what all this means? I really ain’t got a clue when it comes to politics. I just like shouting a lot and being in a gang.”

More as we get it.



Nigel Farage is a fetishist who wears his wife’s lingerie

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife's panties.

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife’s panties.

He may look like a bullfrog with his big mouth and his patronisingly idiotic grin but there’s more to UKIP leader Nigel Farage than meets the eye, for underneath those daft suits, velvet collared crombie coats and mustard coloured corduroy trousers (hence the term “Mustard Pants”) Nigel Farage hides a dirty secret.

For underneath that thin veneer of city gent respectability, Nigel Farage is wearing his wife’s knickers, suspender belt and black fishnet stockings.

So says Theresa Florentine, a freelance journalist from Aston, who claims Farage admitted his kinky secret during a drinking binge in a Brussels gay bar, just a stone’s throw away from the EU Headquarters where Farage – who claims to understand the fishing business – can hardly ever be arsed to attend policy setting meetings on behalf of the brave members of Britain’s fishing fleet.

When pressed further, Ms Florentine stated categorically that it was “without any shadow of a doubt” Nigel Farage who made the stunning confession.

“He was as pissed as a fart and he just blurted it out,” she said. “At least I think it was Nigel Farage – it could have been anybody really because I was a bit plastered myslef – but sod it. There’s been so much scaremongering and bullshit flying around over this referendum bollocks that I thought the British public deserve to know what Nigel Farage is really like. If it wasn’t him I apologise unreservedly, but let’s face it – the man’s a cunt anyway. All he ever does is prey on people’s fears by demonising migrants. Where’s your tax return then Nigel, you mustard panted prick? Eh? Eh?”

At which point we terminated the interview as Ms Florentine collapsed in a heap and banged her head on a table.

Cafe Spike – bringing you the true face of this bollocks referendum.

Whose round is it?

More as we get it.



Daily Express BLASTED Because It’s SHIT!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock today BLASTED the DAILY EXPRESS for BEING SHIT and went on to SLAM its editorial policy, it’s online censorship and THE CUNTS who write in the comments section.

“Everything they put out seems to be scaremongering about migrants,” Shuttlecock said. “And quite frankly it makes my blood boil. “The scumbags who committed these atrocities in Europe weren’t migrants – they were home grown, alienated jihadists who thought of themselves as outsiders. Precisely because of attitudes like those showcased by the DAILY EXPRESS – who spread panic. Scare ordinary gullible people. What a bunch of arseholes.

“Not long ago they were blaming single mums for the ills of the nation – the migrant crisis must have been like manna from heaven for these pricks. In my opinion they should be allowed to carry on peddling their poison freely, but condemned by all decent people for being A BUNCH OF CUNTS. Led by an even bigger SELF-SERVING CUNT.

“They stopped me from commenting on their website after complaints from their PARANOID readership and my refusal to play their ridiculous game. I TOLD THEM TO STICK THEIR WEBSITE UP THEIR ARSE.

“Funny thing is – its cerebrally challenged readers seem to think I still pass comment on there because other individuals find their views equally abhorrent. I don’t, because it’s a waste of time and energy and I don’t have the time for that shit.

“It was fun for a while winding up the terminally deranged, and it’s good to see other sensible people taking up the mantle, but I’m done.

“If I had to equate the DAILY EXPRESS with anything, it would probably be a slimy turd eating an even slimier yet horrendously greenmouldy turd.

“Like the site users who comment there. Sick Nazi bastards.

“But that’s just my opinion.”

More as we get it.


Is This The End For UKIP?

A thick twat applauding his own downfall.

A thick twat applauding his own downfall.

With faltering finances and a leader who has been brushed aside by more experienced political heavyweights in the Brexit campaign the only conclusion to be reached is that the UKIP bubble has finally and irrevocably burst, which is a shame really, because although the party supporters are little better than knuckle-dragging Neanderthals the leader of the comedy cult also known as UKIP is pure comedy gold.

Even UKIP itself appears to have admitted defeat, stating that they would probably rebrand themselves as an online pressure group, like…erm…Britain First?

Whatever they decide, we here at Cafe Spike hope they don’t fade away into total oblivion, because it’s fun taking the piss out of Nutty Nigel and his cronies, and it was fun winding up the cerebrally challenged moronic denizens of the Daily Express website comment sections. And it’s hilarious that so many UKIP die-hards are already complaining that the referendum will be fixed, rather than simply admit defeat with a degree of good grace.

It’s worth remembering that immediately prior to the 2015 GE the Fillets were crowing from the rooftops genuinely thinking that their comedy cult would at the very least be instrumental in forming a coalition government, only to end up with one solitary MP who didn’t seem to get along at all well with the leadership. It’ll be interesting to see the Fillets squirm and hear them bleat as their serial losing streak continues.

One thing’s for sure though – we need ole Mustard Pants with his outlandish dress sense, his lunatic rants, his resignations and the attempts on his life by his own car because – let’s face it – we all need a laugh these days.



Nigel Farage’s Mustard Pants Inspired By Steph and Dom off Gogglebox

Steph and Dom as seen on our telly - wearing mustard pants.

Steph and Dom as seen on our telly – wearing mustard pants.

It has come to light that the mustard coloured corduroy trousers sported by Nigel Farage at the Oldham West and Royton by-election, which led to much mirth and a marathon of piss-takery from all and sundry and his cousins were actually inspired by Steph and Dom off Gogglebox on Channel Four.

Nigel Farage actually visited Steph and Dom’s B&B in Kent for a TV documentary and according to some reports they all got “a bit pissed.”

“In footage from Gogglebox Steph and Dom can be clearly seen wearing mustard pants,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “So it’s highly likely that this is where Farage took his inspiration for the mustard pants.

“He was probably subliminally thinking that he could emulate Steph and Dom’s popularity by association with the mustard pants. He clearly didn’t think it through very well because whilst Steph and Dom’s entertaining pissed up banter entertains millions most people just think Nigel Farage is a prick.”



UKIP Loving Bellend Flies Swastika Banner

"I'd rather be what I am than a UKIP supporter." - Rolf Harris

“I’d rather be what I am than a UKIP supporter.” – Rolf Harris

Everybody knows that UKIP supporters (or Fillets as we call them here at CS) are dickheads, but it seems some are even more shit-brained than the most irredeemable exponent of the art of total fuck-wittery.

Like taxi driver Tim Miller, who proudly displays an anti-EU banner outside his residence featuring a prominent swastika – which according to the Daily Express cost £280,000. We’re assuming that the Express fucked up with the cost of the banner (Who’d believe the Express could fuck things up?) or that Mr Miller is arse-poppingly crazier than we gave him credit for, for buying a fucking stupid banner which cost more than his house. (The Mail could probably answer that one – they know how much everybody’s house is worth. Allegedly.)

Tim – we get what you’re trying to say; that the EU is as bad as Nazi Germany in your opinion, and that you’re a patriot who loves his country. But you didn’t really put a great deal of thought into your displaying such a shit banner did you?

Given that most Fillets can’t read, all they’ll see is a swastika. Spectacular own goal I’d say, announcing to the world that you support Nazi ideology with your xenophobic nonsense.

And judging by the look of you I doubt very much that you’d be a barrel of laughs on a night out down the pub.