Do I look like I'm panicking?

Do I look like I’m panicking?

When Donald Trump was asked some time ago whether he’d ever consider entering the political arena, he responded that he had no particular political aspirations, but added that if he had he’d run on a Republican ticket, because Republicans are so self absorbed that they’ll swallow any old crap providing you tell them what they want to hear. [Read more…]


US under attack by Mississippi Pirates – Exclusive

Scary fish. Illustration by Gerry 'Inchcock' Chambers.

Scary fish. Illustration by Gerry ‘Inchcock’ Chambers.

© 2015 by Frank E. Jordan

Café Spike Chief US Correspondent of the Western World


Principal Toilet Cleaner

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (ABSNN) – In a shocking admission, the US Army Corps of Engineers says the US is currently under attack by foreign pirates who are commandeering ships and barges operating on the Mississippi, Missouri and Ohio Rivers above Cairo, Illinois. The announcement came Tuesday during an Emergency News Conference called by Lt-Gen. Samuel L. Clemmens, Commandant of the Army’s Corps of Engineers.

“That foreign pirates are operating within the US is unprecedented and has not occurred since the War of 1812 against the British,” Clemmens said. “However, what is most shocking is that these pirates, operating with complete impunity, are not humans; they are, in fact, non-human Asian Carp,” Clemmens revealed.

“Up until now, the damned fish were just a nuisance to pleasure boaters,” an ashen-faced Clemmens told reporters. “They were seen as another non-native, invasive fish species that have been the concern of environmentalists for the past ten years, since they were first found in waters of the Mississippi Basin.

“No one knows exactly how they got here,” Clemmens continued. “You can see them on YouTube videos where, when they get startled by the sound of boat engines, they leap out of the water by the hundreds causing a black eye here or there, or even an occasional broken nose when they collide with boat operators.

“But since the weekend the carp, armed with automatic weapons and cutlasses, have seized three river boats, pushing coal barges and four chemical barges carrying high explosives,” he continued.

“The carp may intend to destroy bridges and other river infrastructure,” the General said, “although we are not at all certain what their demands might be,” he concluded.

President Barack Obama also held a news conference Tuesday, where he issued a statement promising: Swift action against the carp and authorizing the use of deadly force by US Navy SEAL Teams, USMC Force Reconnaissance operatives and US Navy gunboats.

“We shall exterminate this threat to our nation’s major waterways,” Obama promised reporters. “We have reason to believe the carp may be acting as agents of ISIS or ISIL. But I must admit, neither I nor any of our intelligence agencies had any idea that fish now have, or ever have had, religious affiliations.”

“If the fish are agents of a foreign power, whatever their religious affiliations may be, it may be possible to find fish affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church that we can arm and set against them,” Obama said.

Reporters asked the President how long it would take to sign on, arm and train volunteer fighting fish to set against the pirate carp?

“How in the hell can I answer that?” the President snapped. “We don’t know what language our native, patriotic fish speak or how to communicate with them, or even if they’d be willing to go up against the foreign carp.”

This reporter, representing Café Spike reminded the President that the US Navy has, for more than 50 years, been training bottle-nosed dolphins to assist the Navy’s Special Warfare Groups in combat operations.

President Obama would not speculate on just what combat roles the dolphins might play and, pointing out an obvious difficulty in using the dolphins, refused to rule out any role at all.

“You have to understand,” Obama said. “Dolphins have no fingers and are, therefore, unable to use our current arsenals of military firearms. I have instructed our armorers to immediately adapt weapons for dolphins to use.”

In the meantime, the President promised: “All river commerce on the Mississippi Basin will be escorted by US Navy and Coast Guard Patrol Boats utilizing torpedoes, and ASROC rockets. Additionally A-10 tank buster aircraft, and other jet ground support weapons systems we can bring to bear against the pirates will be used to wipe them out.”

“We refuse to negotiate with terrorist fish,” he promised.

Wednesday morning, videos said to have been sent by the Asian Carp, were posted to YouTube promising to bring river traffic to a standstill: “Until Israel vacates Palestine.”

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, no friend of Obama’s, said: “Israel will stand by its treaty commitments with the United States and if attacked by Asian Carp, will respond in kind.” Exactly what kind is not known at this time.”

Café Spike will, of course, continue to report on the fish pirates as the story develops.

Or not, as the case may be.

Reporter Frank E Jordan


Ten Reasons Why Britain Doesn’t Give A Toss About The Superbowl

It’s Superbowl Sunday in the United States, and we all know what that means. Basically it involves millions of overweight macho men parking their ample arses on the couch and quaffing endless quantities of beer as they become transfixed by the spectacle of a bunch of big dumb galoots running around in a field for a bit chasing an egg shaped ‘ball’ and then battering their hapless spouses if their chosen team fails to win.

And all in full body armour.

Occasionally the play even interrupts the endless stream of advertisements, but to be fair, the event has garnered quite a reputation for its half time spectacular ‘shows’ – which usually feature some faded old music business has-been and a few fireworks.

Proper Football Fans Don't Don't Eat Double Cheeseburgers

Proper Football Fans Don’t Don’t Eat Double Cheeseburgers

This kind of thing grips America, and whips the excitement up to fever pitch, but here in Britain the vast majority of us don’t give a toss. Most of us think it’s a crap game, and not worthy of the ‘Football’ tag; it’s more like catch, in the same way that baseball is sneered at for being like rounders. Anyway, the thing is that we don’t give a toss about your Superbowl, and here are ten reasons why:

1 – Bowls are for fruit, cornflakes and porridge. There’s nothing super about bowls – they’re just bowls that you can put crap in to keep the place tidy. Crap like salad, punch, rice and custard. Bowls are just bowls.

2 – The whole thing is a con. During a touchdown the ball doesn’t have to be touched down. A ‘play’ isn’t a play at all – as in a theatrical production – it’s just when somebody lobs the ‘ball’ and somebody catches it before falling over. Then it’s done. Not a play. A ‘Hail Mary’ isn’t a prayer – it’s when the bloke who catches the ball throws it as high and as far as he can because he can’t think of anything else to do.

3 – It comes on our TV in the early hours of the morning, so it isn’t worth the effort to stay awake. It would bore most Brits to sleep if they played at three o’ clock on a Saturday afternoon, our time, let alone in the wee small hours.

4 – All the teams have really stupid names. Giants, Jets, Cowboys, Vikings, Packers, Patriots, Seahawks, Cardinals, Lions, Saints, Raiders – what do those names have to do with football of any description? None. Over here we call our teams sensible names, traditional names like City, United, County and Celtic. If we had an FA Cup Final between, say, Leicester Masai Warriors and Nottingham Soldiers Of Fortune we’d probably rip it all up and start again. Daft names – daft game.

5 – It’s crap. Nobody else in the world is interested in your stupid game. We have our own football, which everybody in the world loves because it’s more skilful, faster paced and a great deal more intelligent than yours. Also, our footballers go the whole 90 minutes, not seven seconds before they need a rest and a chug on an oxygen cylinder. Superbowl? I’ve had more fun watching darts down the pub.

6 – You Americans keep telling us that football is a man’s game, and that our football is a sissy sport. Try telling that to Roy Keane, Wayne Rooney or Vinny Jones – they’d punch your bastard lights out. Try telling Manchester City’s legendary goalkeeper Bert Trautman that – he played on in a cup final with a broken neck, or Stuart Pierce who completed an England game soaked in two pints of his own blood from a head wound. People get injured all the time in football, and most play on – unless the injury is something trivial like a shattered leg, a busted up skull or a snapped ligament.

7 – We Brits are more inclined to spend our time watching something civilised – like Antiques Roadshow, or Downton Abbey.

8 – One thing which we will concede is that, as in your bastardised version of football, there is cheating. Our footballers dive without being brought down in order to try to win a penalty, and gambling syndicates have been known to attempt to influence games, but to the best of our knowledge, never in the history of our beautiful game has anyone EVER been accused of tampering with their balls. That would be ungentlemanly and exceedingly bad form.

9 – If the Superbowl is so good, how come you’ve been trying for years to flog it to the world and how many times does the world have to tell you that we’re not remotely interested before you stop? We don’t give a fig who wins your ‘world’ championship. It’s a crap game. Get over it, and yourselves.

10 – We hear about fans at American football games having barbecues in the car park and drinking beer together. We see them in the stands, guzzling down hotdogs and cheeseburgers and politely applauding. Where’s the fun in that? We invented a phenomenon called ‘hooliganism’ which basically involves rival fans trying to beat the crap out of one another in the stands, the car parks, and the streets surrounding the stadium. It’s a classic British combination – a few pints, football and a bloody good fight. You’ll never be able to compete with that.

In summary, we aren’t anti-American here at the Café – we quite like most of you (even one or two of the Republicans, in spite of their strange political views) it’s just that we have been in love – as has the rest of the planet – with the beautiful game, and we tend to get defensive when Americans (and it only is Americans) try to put their game on some higher plane than ours. It isn’t a better game. It’s bloody rubbish. Message over.

Reporter – Ralph ‘Twinkletoes’ Milne


USA Catches Soccerball Fever

How It Looks On Café Spike's Telly

How It Looks On Café Spike’s Telly

Thanks to the FIFA World Soccerball Series currently taking place down in Brazil, soccerball has mushroomed in popularity in the United States, and it’s all down to Team USA. Initially hopes weren’t too high for Team USA until a victory over Ghana, a tie with Portugal and a fiercely contested defeat to Germany (one of the series favourites) means Team USA has progressed to the play-offs and faces Belgium Tuesday.

And it’s driving America wild.

Especially since former winners England, Italy and Spain have all gone home after getting their butts whupped.

“I don’t know what’s given me the biggest high; the English getting their asses kicked or Team USA reaching the play-offs,” said office worker Kurt Cheeseburger of Chicago. “I think this means that if we win our next four match-ups we win the series and become World Champion. That’s another one in the eye for those smug Limeys who look down their noses at us. We got further than them. We believe that we will win! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

‘We believe that we will win’ has become the unofficial battle cry of Team USA and can be heard every time people gather to watch games on TV’s in bars and on big screens in public parks, and we think it’s great, but the snooty English even look down their noses at that.

“Somebody must have been up all night thinking that one up,” sneered English TV pundit Mark Lawrenson.

Not that Americans care a hoot. We’re with Coach Klinsmann and Team USA! We believe that we will win! We believe that we will win! We believe that we will win! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Reporter: Hank Bulgaria


More Tea Vicar?

They Hate This Man - We Can't Think Why...

They Hate This Man – We Can’t Think Why…

You Tea Partiers need to get a grip, preferably around the throats of your heroes Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman.

I mean, Sarah Palin not only cannot name a member of the Founding Fathers of this country, but believes only citizens of the US have any rights in a court of law and that means either she has never read the US Constitution or, if she has, she cannot understand it.

Michelle Bachman shouldn’t be a MC because she is quite literally barking mad. She says people elected Obama because they felt sorry for him because he was black. Well, I believe people elected her because they felt sorry for her because she is developmentally challenged (with my apologies to those folks who are.)

In Texass, (sic) a school board member said she wanted blacks off the board. And her statements were recorded. But she doesn’t believe she should have to resign because she was only expressing her honest opinion. I think she should be muzzled and kept in a veterinarian hospital long enough to find out if she is rabid. I am only expressing my honest opinion.

Another of your heroes believes that God gave North America to the English because savages were wasting it. Now before my brain implodes, may I remind you that aboriginal people were not savages. They absolutely did not waste the land but we’re tied to it and worshiped it. And there are no more savage people in this country than the members of the Westboro Baptassholigan Church. Even WV snake handlers have more sense than to picket a fallen soldier’s funeral.

I’d like to say it ain’t nothin but a thing but Jesus weeps every time you folks open your hate filled, “Christian” mouths in his name.

I could go on. Unfortunately, I have a brain and I know now that you Tea Partiers want to roll back civil liberties until folks like me are not allowed to say what A-holes you are.

Maybe burn me at the stake with the ‘faggots?’ I just put a mental image in your tiny mind didn’t I?

From our US Correspondent, Frank E Jordan



Idle thoughts from the dirty side of the pond...

Idle thoughts from the dirty side of the pond…

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t get a local woman to go out with me; hell, I can’t even pay a hooker anywhere in the US to go out with me. I’m that much of a loser I guess! So I’ve gone on every single dating site I can find hoping against hope that somewhere out there is a woman who has not yet heard about me and will give me a shot. Insofar as American women are concerned, I can’t find any women stupid enough to give me a try; so I have spent the past week researching international dating sites looking for a woman that will have me (except for any woman located within the cruising area of the US Navy’s Western Pacific Fleet, or WESTPAC, because every woman in Asia already has turned me down). [Read more…]


LITTER FROM AMERICA: A Trip Through Colontown


Idle thoughts from the dirty side of the pond...

Idle thoughts from the dirty side of the pond…





“Colon cancer kills far too many people throughout the world. It is a deadly, and not yet preventable plague, but it can be detected with very simple tests and diagnostic procedures. Caught early enough, colon cancer can be stopped; it does not have to be the second most deadly cancer. Colon cancer is not funny; it needs to be spoken of, and that is why I was so pleased to see a bulletin board in the lobby of my local library that had an entire section devoted to educating adults and children about good colon health and the symptoms and early treatment of colon cancer. [Read more…]