Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.


Cardiff Man Changes Name By Deed Poll

Fast food is bad for you but it rather yummy.

Fast food is bad for you but it rather yummy.

Mr Double Chilli Cheeseburger of St Dunstan’s Street, Cardiff has changed his name by deed poll to Rob Evans, causing a bit of a rift in the family.

“My family have a bit of a thing about daft names,” Mr Evans said. “I just wanted to be normal and not have people snigger every time I have to announce myself. It’s okay being called Double Chilli Cheeseburger in theory but in reality the novelty wears off. Mum and Dad aren’t best pleased but at the end of the day it’s my life.”

Mr Evans’s father, King Prawn Mushroom has said that he believes his son has acted rashly and will come to regret his decision. “I can only hope that Double comes to his senses and changes his name back. These novelty names are just a fad and they can be awfully problematic with banking and related legal interactions.”

Mother, Pie Chips And Peas was somewhat less forgiving. “I think it’s arrogant to be unhappy with your family name, like some sort of character flaw. Frankly I’m ashamed and I won’t be speaking to the snivelling little shit until he changes his name back to Double Chilli Cheeseburger.”

A neighbour described the whole affair as a storm in a takeaway.

John Smith


Britain First Hold Mass Rally In Cardiff

And The Crowds Roared

And The Crowds Roared

Reports are coming in that the extreme right wing group, Britain First have held a mass rally recently in Cardiff, which apparently went largely unnoticed by the authorities and the entire population of the Welsh capital – apart from a handful of people who attended the event on the understanding that they’d get free beer and cigarettes for the duration of the event.

Which was held in the back room of a run-down pub in an undisclosed location in a predominantly white Welsh inner city area.

“Really? Britain First here in Cardiff?” said wet fish trader Megan Evans. “I wouldn’t have gone even if I’d been aware of it. Aren’t they the people who used that poor soldier’s picture to further their cause despite being asked not to by the lad’s family? The ones who put pictures up on the internet of abused dogs and war heroes in order to get likes on Facebook? Ooh I’m not keen on them. I think they don’t quite get that Dame Shirley Bassey is an icon around these parts. If they had their way they’d have had her shot isn’t it? Oh no. Have any of them ever been in the armed forces? I wouldn’t have thought so to be honest. Britain First my arse. They’re just football hooligans in search of a stadium.”

Knights Templar - Not Really British...

Knights Templar – Not Really British…

Renowned Cardiff historian Daffyd Glendower told us in an exclusive interview: “These guys are mixed up. Seriously mixed up, and they never had any credibility to begin with. All they can do is shout and blame the Muslim community for their basic idiocy. I don’t know how they get away with their utter bloody rubbish – it’s been proven beyond any reasonable doubt that the President of the United States of America isn’t actually a Kenyan Muslim, and that the Knights Templar were a Papist group of mercenary bankers who had nothing whatsoever to do with Britain. These plums make Forrest Gump look like Einstein by comparison.”

Thought for the day: Even UKIP were keen to distance themselves from Britain First.