Brexit voters ARE old racist xenophobic coffin dodging wankers – you read it here first

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

Let’s just take a moment to consider the motivation of Brexit voters, [Read more…]


Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski


Where’s Gideon? Has Anybody Seen Him?

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

It’s the new game that’s taking the nation by storm since the referendum result was announced – the hunt for George Osborne, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer is well and truly on.

Gideon – as we like to call him – hasn’t appeared in public since the referendum result was announced, which has led to all manner of speculation, given that his boss – Bacon Bonce Cameron at least had the good grace to address the nation in order to inform us that he’s chucked in the towel.

So where is Gideon?

Some say he’s beavering away at the treasury trying desperately to make some sense out of the economic carnage caused by the Brexit vote; some say he’s gone off on a drug and alcohol fuelled bender, and some insist he’s buried up to the nuts in some high class call girl or other.

Here at Cafe Spike we’re not sure. The best we can come up with is that he’s buggered off to China because he thinks the Chinese are his mates, and that he’ll hand them a bung in order to promote football or the dog eating festival or something.

To be honest, we haven’t a clue where he is.

If anyone sees him can you let us know?

Many thanks.

Cafe Spike


UKIP Loving Bellend Flies Swastika Banner

"I'd rather be what I am than a UKIP supporter." - Rolf Harris

“I’d rather be what I am than a UKIP supporter.” – Rolf Harris

Everybody knows that UKIP supporters (or Fillets as we call them here at CS) are dickheads, but it seems some are even more shit-brained than the most irredeemable exponent of the art of total fuck-wittery.

Like taxi driver Tim Miller, who proudly displays an anti-EU banner outside his residence featuring a prominent swastika – which according to the Daily Express cost £280,000. We’re assuming that the Express fucked up with the cost of the banner (Who’d believe the Express could fuck things up?) or that Mr Miller is arse-poppingly crazier than we gave him credit for, for buying a fucking stupid banner which cost more than his house. (The Mail could probably answer that one – they know how much everybody’s house is worth. Allegedly.)

Tim – we get what you’re trying to say; that the EU is as bad as Nazi Germany in your opinion, and that you’re a patriot who loves his country. But you didn’t really put a great deal of thought into your displaying such a shit banner did you?

Given that most Fillets can’t read, all they’ll see is a swastika. Spectacular own goal I’d say, announcing to the world that you support Nazi ideology with your xenophobic nonsense.

And judging by the look of you I doubt very much that you’d be a barrel of laughs on a night out down the pub.



Cameron Triumphs In Brussels – Wins Toaster, X-Box and Cuddly Toy

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

Just in – sources are reporting that David Cameron is winning his battle for EU reforms. Following lengthy negotiations the Prime Minister revealed that EU officials have agreed to give him a toaster, an X-Box and a cuddly toy, providing he promises to shut up and stop wittering on like an old woman.

“We’re making clear progress in these negotiations,” the PM announced. “If we can get the Germans onside there’s every chance of us landing the star prize, a vintage Volkswagen Beetle worth in excess of one hundred large. The French have already pledged a lifetime supply of smelly cheese, the Greeks some yoghurt and the Italians a pasta machine so it’s looking good. But we aren’t getting complacent. What we really want to see on the table are some Dutch clogs, some Irish stew and some guarantees on Danish bacon. We’re fighting tooth and nail for the best interests of our country in these delicate negotiations, and I feel we’re getting there.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage however was unconvinced as he launched a scathing attack on the PM and the EU on ITV news but technicians lost the audio link, leaving Mr Farage in an extremely animated yet mute state.

“Shouldn’t really matter,” an ITV technician revealed. “He always trots out the same old crap anyway, and people tend to switch off when that dickhead pops up.”

A German delegate who insisted on anonymity told an international press pack: “Personally I’d rather Britain fucked off out of it. They’re a pain in the arse, always moaning about one thing or another so let them go. They can keep their Cameron and Farage and the peanut brained Daily Express readers and sod off. And if they want a holiday with sun, sea and sand may I suggest Bognor fucking Regis? Wankers.”

More as we get it.

Update – Poland has threatened a total withdrawal of its nationals from Britain. Cameron is shitting himself and thus far there’s no sign of a bail out from toilet tissue manufacturers. Things getting heated. Dutch offering free spliffs and advising delegates to chill the fuck out.