How mental would a war with Spain be?

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm.

With all this guff about a war with Spain in defence of Gibraltar we got to thinking: What would happen? How would it play out?

We’ve concluded that such an event would be an absolute farce. Probably beginning with:

Theresa May ordering a seaborne invasion of Spain with a ‘Task Force’ comprising of an aircraft carrier with no planes. The Spanish President responds by appealing for volunteer fighters, but the appeal falls on deaf ears as the only Spaniards with any interest in coming to the cold damp UK are already here working in bars and restaurants. The rest like their sunshine, their senoritas and their La Liga and can’t be arsed.

Arron Banks funds a home defence unit and appoints Nigel Farage Captain of the Walmington on Sea platoon.

Theresa May makes plans for a bowling game with Donald Trump at Plymouth Hoe on D-Day2.0 and promises to wear ‘fuck me’ shoes and test the weight of Trump’s bowls.

In the meantime while the Spanish are watching El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona at the Bernabeu and lobbing pig heads onto the playing area, Britain launches a sneaky full on naval assault in a pincer movement, targeting the Northern port of Bilbao and the Med city of Barcelona.

In London, Spanish waiters retaliate by masturbating into the carbonara sauce of Conservative and UKIP voters.

The Royal Marines land on the beaches near Bilbao but the locals just laugh, befriend them and buy them Margaritas. The assault stalls as three Marine battalions are pinned down on the beach drinking and singing Julio Iglesias songs deep into the night. Fireworks are let off by the locals. Initial concern by the Marines is not in evidence.

“They’re just fireworks,” one says. “Best war I’ve ever been in. Apparently the lassie in the flamenco costume wants to take me for a paella. Wah hey! Get in!”

The Spanish President interrupts all media broadcasting to announce that Neymar’s third goal was a blatant handball after Barcelona’s 6-5 win at the Bernabeu and slams the Brazilian for being a “dirty cheating hijo de puta.” (Son of a bitch.)

Boris Johnson likewise interrupts all UK public broadcasting to complain that the Spanish aren’t taking this seriously.

The Spanish President responds by saying: “How can anybody take a gringo oaf like you seriously? You mop-headed Bullingdon Club muppet?”

Nigel Farage deserts the Walmington on Sea platoon and in defiance of orders commandeers a Piper Comanche light aircraft, which he proceeds to fly to somewhere near Berlin in order to beg for Angela Merkel to intervene and call for a halt to hostilities.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

The SAS storm the beaches at Barcelona but it’s too hot so they doff their uniforms and make camp. Before long they’re approached by hordes of weed dealers, prostitutes, human statues, jugglers and beggars. They all get stoned while they wait for orders. To keep the troops hydrated a convoy of waiters in tuxedos serve our boys absinthe and cocktails and tell the troops they’ll have to up sticks and move if they aren’t dining or have a pre-booked reservation.

One irate SAS officer on Barcelona beach threatens to shoot a particularly aggressive waiter in the head over a tipping argument but the face off is defused by a passing taxi driver who takes the SAS man twelve metres further down the beach for 20 Euro.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall announces that he’s been awarded the Victoria Cross for storming and holding single handedly an ice cream van on Las Ramblas as he penetrated enemy lines. Strangely the Twitter message bearing the announcement was posted from an IP address in Birkenhead.

Nigel Farage cocks up on the map reading and instead of landing in north-eastern Germany actually parachutes into North Korea. He is picked up by Kim Jong Un’s security forces and taken to Sandow Prison where he is interrogated by North Korean agents. Farage offers to treat Kim Jong Un to a black forest gateau, a bottle of Grouse and a bag of Walker’s crisps by way of a bribe. Jong Un refuses.

Angela Merkel tells Britain to stop being stupid. Douglas Carswell announces that he can’t take it any more and he’s moving to North Korea. ISIS release a video stating that they’re totally confused by the whole situation and can’t make head nor tail of it.

Donald Trump flies into Heathrow on Air Force 1 and tells everybody to calm down. “Just calm down,” he says. “Calm down. Right down. All the way down. Get Zen. Do it bigly. Chill the fuck out,” as he waves his tiny hands in soothing gestures.

Vladimir Putin calls Trump a “yellow bellied bastard” on Russian state TV. According to Trump’s spray-tanning technician and chief advisors there isn’t really any point arguing with that, so Trump lets it go. For now… He later calls Putin a “gay Russki poisoner” on Twitter but subsequently announces that his Twitter account has been hacked by a mysterious man in a hat in Manhattan.

Theresa May is absolutely gutted when a glamour photographer – mistaking her for an aspiring model – says that he wouldn’t waste valuable film on her. She retreats to Downing Street and kicks Geoffrey Hammond’s cat on the way in, sparking cries of outrage from animal activists. She will go on to call a halt to hostilities, recall the troops from Spain and cry herself to sleep.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

In an effort to secure Nigel Farage’s release, intrepid Mail reporter Katie Hopkins jets out to Pyongyang but turns back at the airport after discovering that North Korea is chock full of “smelly yellow low rent people.” She is violently sick on the return flight and an emergency landing in order to secure medical attention for the withered hack is only averted when Ms Hopkins reads a comment on Express online where somebody calling himself “RockHardJohnson” from Bromsgrove wrote: “She’s a bit of a pig but I’d give her one. For spite.”

Meanwhile back in Blighty everyone celebrates VE day (Victory over Europe day) by going down the pub and grumbling about gays and Muslims, apart from the Remoaners – who aren’t actually moaning any more, simply making plans to get the hell out while the going’s good – and Jeremy Corbyn calls for an election whereby he has as much chance of winning as he has of backing an athematic in a blow-football game against a free diver.

In North Korea Nigel Farage announces from his prison cell that he’s forming a new party – NKIP – North Korea Independence Party, based on anti-American propaganda and an inherent fear of the Japanese, calling for mass rallies and an end to immigration. Kim Jong Un laughs in his face, telling Farage that no fucker in his or her right mind would want to immigrate to North Korea but tacitly agrees to the proposition.

Arron Banks offers financial backing to NKIP, Douglas Carswell declares his intention to stand as the Member For Pyongyang Western Ward but is bitterly opposed by Paul Nuttall – winner of 8 Victoria Crosses in the Anglo-Spanish War.

Guy Verhofstadt reportedly died laughing and Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen invited Pippa Middleton to be Chief Bridesmaid at their impending nuptials in The Grand Central Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan.

Kim Jong Un advised North Koreans to “Keep Calm And Carry On.”

That’s enough.


It couldn’t possibly get any dafter.

Unless you know better…

Paddy Berzinski for


World Declares Total War On Britain After Reading Daily Express

Never's for the best...

Never mind…it’s for the best…

The astonishing declaration of total war was announced shortly before midnight on Leap Year’s February 29th as world leaders recoiled in horror at the content of the Daily Express website.

“Jesus,” a United States Department Of Defence official gasped as he absorbed the Express website’s content and comments. “Do these freaks actually like anybody other than themselves? They hate the French, the Germans, the Pakistanis, Muslims, Catholics, blacks, gays, and even Americans. We need to nuke these bastards immediately.”

Other nuclear powers were in total agreement, including France, India, China, Pakistan and Russia, on the basis that: “the English are a pain in the arse who never did any of us any favours. Let’s nuke ’em and be done with it.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has advised his fellow countrymen to keep calm and carry on, promising a free Anderson shelter to every UK property for when the shit hits the fan and vowing to secure Britain’s borders once it’s become a nuclear wasteland.

Providing he gets elected by the few surviving zombies.

Martin Shuttlecock


Vladimir Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize by Mail and Express readers

Hmm..not at all sure about this one - V Putin

Hmm..not at all sure about this one – V Putin

Following his decision to take decisive action in Syria in order to prop up the Assad regime, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found a somewhat unexpected source of support from Express and Mail readers, who almost unanimously are suggesting that he be nominated for the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to end the conflict there by bombing the fuck out of everything that moves.

A Kremlin spokesman told us: “Mr Putin is determined to put an end to this interminable Middle Eastern mess by bombing the crap out of the place and then sending in ground troops to kill anything left alive and restore the country to its original state, which essentially means a windblown sand dune. If necessary he says he’ll nuke the buggers and turn the sand into glass – that is how determined Mr Putin is to bring peace and stability to the area. After that…who knows. Maybe Kansas, where Dorothy and Toto will be vaporised and definitely not Oz bound and she won’t be seeing no wizard. Having said that, Mr Putin has been overwhelmed by the level of support for his peace initiative from Express and Mail readers. By way of appreciation he’s thinking about targeting Brazil too, for a bit of a laugh like.”

Express readers, judging by their online comments will be delighted to learn that their lengthy discourses extolling the virtues of Mr Putin, maintaining that President Obama is a Wahabbist Muslim and basically that everybody who ever purchased a kebab, an onion bhaji, or a vegetable samosa should be shot on sight are actually being read by more than five or six like-minded lunatics.

“I’ve been warning people about the New World Order and the Leftist Cultural Marxists for ages,” Express reader stated. “I’m just elated that the message is getting through at last, and to such a dedicated peacemaker as Mr Putin. It would make my life complete if I could use this as a stepping stone to get a shot on the radio with Alex Jones or do a You Tube interview with David Icke. It’s all about truth and reality at the end of the day.”

Martin Shuttlecock


Gaza – I Fear For My Son – Israeli Mother Speaks Out

It's All Good Really, Apart From The Bombs

It’s All Good Really, Apart From The Bombs

Nobody ever said that life in the middle east is easy, and nobody knows how true that is more than Israeli settler and Hebron resident Maureen Rabinowitz, whose son Solly is currently risking life and limb defending Israel against a full-on assault by a bunch of nutters with rockets that don’t work and some kids throwing rocks whilst equipped only with a comprehensive missile defence system, radar tracking, night vision goggles and full combat uniform.

“It’s scary,” Mrs Rabinowitz said as she watched missile and artillery fire pour down on Gaza from her terrace as she sipped iced lemon tea. “My Solly is down there, and all he has to defend himself against those psychopathic women and babies is a tank, an automatic rifle, some hand grenades, military intelligence, a rocket launcher, full combat gear with body armour, the full military might of the United States of America and an iPhone. It’s a constant worry that in the course of a full-on air and ground assault he could get hit in the temple by a rock – which can be fatal – or trampled underfoot by fleeing civilians and blood-spattered toddlers. Or even crushed by falling masonry.”

Further investigations revealed that Mrs Rabinowitz has valid reasons to be concerned. The majority of hospital facilities in the Gaza Strip are either falling down through a concerted bombing campaign, or are probably about to fall down once they are actually bombed. Probably within the next few days while Netenyahu is on a roll.

“Who will look after my Solly if he gets hit in the head with a pebble?” an emotional Mrs Rabinowitz sobbed. “Sometimes I think the world has gone mad.”

When we showed the tape of Mrs Rabinowitz’s heartfelt outburst to Gaza City resident Mehmet Ahmoud he was moved to tears.

It Looks Like A Pebble Wound - Hang In There Soldier

It Looks Like A Pebble Wound – Hang In There Soldier

“That is shocking and shameful,” he said. “I can understand exactly where Mrs Rabinowitz is coming from, having lost my wife and two infant daughters in the carnage. And my brother, his wife, a nephew and my grandmother. And the family dog, cat and gerbil. It somehow puts it all in perspective when I consider the plight of Solly Rabinowitz. Seeing the footage of that beautiful lady’s tears dripping disconsolately into her iced lemon tea has somehow put all of this in a humanitarian context. This night I will pray to almighty Allah that President Obama drops nuclear warheads on all displaced Palestinian people whilst incisively missing out on the settlers. It is only right. I was in no way aware that the very presence of Palestinian people caused such heartbreak.”

In other news – the UN has requested an unconditional ceasefire, but some cynics insist that Israel will continue to battle against overwhelming odds until the Gaza Strip becomes a Mediterranean beach resort with all inclusive 18-30 hotels. Until they meet up with Gibraltar.

In the meantime, Mrs Rabinowitz can only sip her tear tarnished lemon tea and pray that Solly makes it through.

A Café Spike report by Paddy Berzinsky.


MH17 – Conspiracy Theorist Nutjobs Swarm The Net

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

It had to happen. A civil airliner gets shot down over a war zone in Eastern Europe with the tragic loss of 298 innocent lives – including 80 children – and the nutters are all over the internet blaming the USA, President Obama, the Illuminati, the Rothschilds and quite possibly the Uruguayan footballer Luis Suarez. It seems inconceivable that somebody’s primary assessment of an international war crime involves the twisted thought processes of these nutjobs which appear to be: “How can we tie this in with our crackpot conspiracy theories?”

Hard to believe isn’t it. We started by looking at the comments section of the Daily Mail website. Here’s a small sample of what we unearthed.

Ping-Pong, Cairo, Egypt, 11 hours ago

He has a point. Guess we’ll never know the truth. The US are very good in covering their traces. Just like they did in 9/11 and the other Malaysian flight.

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Mayasmum, Glasgow, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

As another commenter pointed out, this plane was the original missing plane. Every new report that comes out makes it more and more evident. Obama sure wants to pick a fight with Putin and get a war started.

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Iamyouonlydifferent, Telford, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

What if the plane was the the other plane that went missing and who ever did it though of a clever way of disposing of the evidence it does seem a little strange 2 Malaysian flights could have such extreme endings with in months of each other

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

In fairness to Mail readers these comments were almost universally condemned for the utter nonsense that they really are, but the worrying thing is that a certain section of our society seem absolutely hell bent on discarding the reality of a tragic situation and twisting it to fit their own warped agendas. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what happened, and we wouldn’t insult our readers’ intelligence by offering our own interpretation. It was obviously brought down by a remote controlled reptilian spaceship drone under the command of Lex Luthor. Or something even more sinister.

Understand, we here at Café Spike aren’t trying to glean any sort of humorous slant on a terrible crime – but we are sincerely determined to poke idiots with sharp sticks when they deserve it. And these deluded idiots really deserve it. And this crap is all over the internet. This gem from Twitter:

Goon✈ @tarmacGoon
@damochandler don’t believe the media mh17 is mh370 same plane different flight number! Massive conspiracy

It’s sad that people seem to relish the opportunity of exploiting a terrible event in order to promote some crackpot conspiracy theory. These are probably the same lunatics who allege that there were no planes involved in 9/11 and that the whole thing was some elaborate 3D holographic illusion and believe in the powers of thermite as a demolition tool.

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy - Igor Girkin - Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn't A Dark Shadow

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy – Igor Girkin – Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn’t A Dark Shadow

This is where things get dangerous in the real world – if investigators acted like conspiracy theorists they’d believe any load of old crap that anyone told them and spend the rest of their lives chasing their own tails and achieve precisely nothing.

Of course, if you choose to believe that Elvis and Michael Corleone were the shooters on the grassy knoll in 1963, that the planes on 9/11 were remote controlled by CIA agents or that the Queen of England is a shape shifting reptile who feasts on live human babies in secret rituals, then that is your right.

Just don’t write to us about it. We have a delete button and we aren’t afraid to use it.


Paddy Berzinski reporting for Café Spike