Daily Express issues severe UK weather warning

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Whatever your thoughts on the Daily Express (probably that it’s a right wing, xenophobic, racist, Brexit and UKIP supporting arse-wipe of a rag lapped up by raving nutters and conspiracy theorists) there’s no denying that its completely misguided weather reportage makes an amusing break from the constant barrage of anti-migrant propaganda and benefit cheat bullshit.

According to the Express’s ‘ace’ weather reporter, Nathan Rao, we’re all seriously doomed, even at the best of times.

What’s particularly alarming about this is that Mr Rao apparently gets paid for his completely twattish forecasts, because even the idiots who read the Express think he’s a bit of a Canute.

Which is quite some feat when you come to think of it. Even people who believe that there were no planes involved on 9/11, that the moon landings were staged, that the Columbine shooting horror was a “false flag” event, that “the elites” are plotting to flood Europe with Islamic fanatics in order to destroy European culture and that Hillary Clinton is a lizard – even these idiots don’t buy the Express’s weather articles.

The latest of which states with confidence: “COLD WEATHER SHOCK: Temperatures to plunge THIS weekend as Winter arrives early in Britain.”

So that’s that sorted. We’re all doomed. Again. As confirmed by this from the Express comments section:

Lets hope its very ‘Choppy’ and Freezing in the Channel! Kill of most of the ‘RapeFugees’ and S C U M before they get to a Dinghy or a Lorry!*

Express readers eh?

Every one a Canute.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com.


Sexy Weather Girls Ruined My Life – Claims Inadequate Idiot

"Every day brings news like this - the weather will remain the same or change from what it is - big boy..."

“Every day brings news like this – the weather will remain the same or change from what it is – big boy…”

Although the weather in Britain is usually pretty crap, the decision by television companies to “sex up” the weather forecast hasn’t been without its casualties. One of which was Titchfield man Simon Harvey.

“I used to have a prestigious job as an IT consultant, programmer and web designer,” said Mr Harvey. “But then I made the life changing error of watching Ulrikka Jonsson presenting the weather on the telly and I was instantly hooked. It was worse than crack cocaine. I was supposed to go to work but I just couldn’t help myself – I developed a morbid fascination with weather girls.

“It got to a point where I was scouring the internet for weather reports because in my mind nothing else really mattered. I got fired, lost five stone in weight, could hardly eat or drink and started developing antisocial tendencies – like lurking behind the bins at Tesco and hurling abuse at passers by. I even contemplated buying a gun – just to shoot people who didn’t agree with me about weather girls. I’m still hopelessly addicted. The weather might be crap but for the weather girls the moon’s your lobster. Or something.”

Cafe Spike’s scientific consultant, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University told us:

“Simon Harvey’s off his nut. He definitely needs help, but don’t look at me. I’m having nothing to do with the idiot.”

More as we get it.



Britain braced for hottest coldest driest wettest winter ever

It'll be one or the other

It’ll be one or the other

Depending on which tabloid you read, Britain is facing the most extreme winter ever. Some like it hot, some seem to prefer having the shivers, some suggest we’re all going to need reinforced umbrellas and others are anticipating a drought. It’s all a touch surreal and it’s thrown Britons into a right two and eight as they struggle to decide which version of the future to believe.

“I’m sort of tending towards it being another really wet winter,” Raymond Downes, a scaffolder from Manchester said. “We might get a bit of snow for a day or two but based on historical research it’s far more likely to be a bit cold, windy, and rainy. That’s how it usually works round here. I won’t be taking any special precautions. I’ve already got a sturdy umbrella which the wife lets me use in emergencies and I’ve just had an MOT on me wellies so I’m sorted.”

“I can’t see it snowing for months on end like it says in the Daily Express,” Javid Iqubal a civil servant from London told us. “Last time it snowed in London it only lasted a couple of days, which doesn’t really justify investing in snow shoes, skis, tyre chains crampons and a big shovel. That would just be a waste of money. If it does snow I’ll just have a lie in, call in to say I’ll be late for work and then show up around lunchtime and blame it on Transport For London. Whatever happens I shan’t be panicking.”

“I’m torn to be honest,” said Tommy Summerville, an unemployed permanently angry man from Diss in Norfolk. “I read the Daily Express online and I’m not quite sure what to believe. On the one hand I could be sunbathing on the beach in Great Yarmouth, on the other hand I might have to build a snow cave to survive a six month blizzard and have to set traps to catch squirrels to eat. That’s if we don’t all get washed away in a massive tsunami, fall down a sinkhole, make contact with hostile aliens, get struck by a previously undetected passing comet in some extinction event or slaughtered in our beds by radical Islamists. I don’t really know what to do.”

“If you ask me, Tommy should stop reading the Daily Express,” Psychiatrist Professor Ken Mist remarked. “If you believed everything you read on that website you’d be too paranoid to dare set foot outside the house.”

Ted Pemberton.


Bert Windswept’s Weather Tips For Hollywood Directors

This Scene Involved 5 Million Tons Of Polystyrene

This Scene Involved 5 Million Tons Of Polystyrene

Our resident meteorologist, Bert Windswept told us recently that one of the most frustrating things about being a meteorologist is that when he goes to the pictures the weather depicted in the films is totally unrealistic most of the time.

“It’s so unconvincing that sometimes I get really infuriated,” Bert told us. “In fact it sometimes is such an inaccurate representation that I’ve been known to screw up my choc-ice wrapper and hurl it at the screen, before stamping my feet in outrage and loudly harrumphing as I stormed out of the theatre.”

So what do the directors get wrong? Bert gave us some examples, which we list below.

Snow – Crumbled up polystyrene does not look anything like snow. The only similarity is that they’re both white, but snow looks like snow and crumbled polystyrene looks exactly like what it is; crumbled polystyrene. Sprinkled salt all over the shop isn’t much more effective. It just looks like somebody spilled a shitload of salt and it bears no resemblance whatsoever to snow. Foam is the same. It looks like foam. Not snow. The only thing that looks like snow is snow – nothing else – so all you directors out there; if you’re thinking of filming something with snow in it, don’t be a cheapskate. Take your camera crews and your cast to where the snow is. Your movie will look all the better for it in the end.

Rain – When you’re filming a scene with rain in it, try to film it somewhere where it’s actually raining. You’re fooling nobody by dripping water onto your actors out of an overhead metal or plastic tray with holes drilled in it to simulate rainfall. It just doesn’t work. Any sharp eyed movie-goer can see immediately that it’s only raining on the principal actors while it’s fine and dry six feet away from them, and in some cases the sun is shining! This tip applies especially if you’re making a film set in England, where it rains all the time, even in August. Just be patient – even if by some fluke of nature the sun does happen to be shining it won’t last long. It’s a well known fact that the citizens of Manchester have over a thousand different words covering the multitude of rainfall types experienced in that city on any given day. Faking rain will only make your product look cheap and shoddily produced.

Wind – We all get it from time to time, but that isn’t the kind of wind we’re discussing here. We’re talking about gale force winds, hurricanes, tornadoes and suchlike. An old trick utilised by directors to simulate high winds has been to install a bloody great big fan or two just out of shot. For decades this method has been quite effective, but not so much when nothing is being blown about just a few feet away from the actors. These days directors tend to favour CGI over fans and quite often the CGI looks even less convincing. (See final section) The best option would be to try to avoid windy scenes altogether if possible.

CGI – Opinions are divided over the use of CGI. Sometimes it’s very good and sometimes it’s just knacker-crunchingly terrible, but the real problem arises with CGI itself. It’s become an uncontrollable beast. There’s no point in cobbling together reels of stunning CGI and then writing a crappy script around it, like they used to do with the Bond franchise back in the 80’s where every film was a collection of stunts tenuously connected by a flimsy storyline. Real human drama is infinitely more interesting than some plonker from the planet Krypton who can fly, or some robot that can transform into a car or a bastard submarine. And after a while, once you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic flyblown scorched-earth urban wasteland you’ve seen them all.

Next time: Umbrellas – Are they any good?


Southerners Too Traumatised To Mention The Weather

Manchester Pictured In August

Manchester Pictured In August

The weather, usually a conversational staple of plucky Brits has abruptly become a strictly taboo subject among residents of southern England following last night’s protracted spell of mild winds and occasionally heavy showers, which left millions traumatised and unable to sleep. Emergency services were put on red alert as slightly blowy rain squalls played havoc with satellite TV reception and switchboards were inundated with emergency calls, including a near hysterical woman from Islington who reported that a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes had been ruined by the savagely unseasonable weather.

Police and Fire Brigade officials issued a strongly worded advisory requesting people to stay indoors wherever possible, as ambulance crews reported a spike in emergency calls as dozens of innocent victims requested assistance, many complaining of getting a bit damp and windswept.

Our reporters ventured out onto the streets this morning in order to gauge public reaction, but nobody seemed to want to talk about the weather. Psychologists attributed the reluctance to discuss the weather on a combination of sleep deprivation and attacks of acute hydrophobia.

As well as immigrants who couldn’t give a toss either way about the weather, which is decidedly unBritish.

On the plus side, umbrella retailers reported increased sales and several hat shops took advantage of the showers, allegedly making a small fortune flogging sou’ westers.

Reporter: Kipper Fish


It’s A Bit Nippy Out

Britons Sweltering In Less Than Six Feet Of Washing Powder

Britons Sweltering In Less Than Six Feet Of Washing Powder

Britain is still shivery eyed as temperatures continued to summit overweight, with up to ten inches of snowboard expected on coffee grounds, and feeling even cooler when the wind chilli factor is added up. Weather vanes also warmed of dusting windows of 70 miles per gallon.

Pensionables have been advised by government minstrels to wrap up proper and keep away from ice skate streets with no name and pop the scuttle on for a nice cup of tee-shirt. The RSPB also advisabled dogs and cats to wear army boots and not venture outwards unless it’s an emergency Number 3 code bed.

Hikers have been advised to leave their bikes in the engine shed and avoid flaming torches waving in close approximation to petroleum jelly. Especially in enclosed space suits, as IKEA condiments spread from the north-east-south arse of mainstream Europe.

Heathfield Airsports was shut down by air traffic remote control as fog covered the runabout to within an inch. Conditions were described by frequent fliers as ‘racing.’

Train services were subjected to severity distortion due to dogs and leaflets on the stripes. The minister for bacon refused to get inveigled despite spurious attacks by opposing fractions.

At the time of writing, six lemons were unaccounted for and scaffolding in central London was said to be ‘slightly fluid.’

The banks of Thamesland promised to review disinterest rates providing there were reassurances from the man in charge at Downton Abbey, where the butler explained that he wasn’t really a butler at all but a quail egg saleswoman in disguisement.

Café Spook declined to enter into the trapdoor, citing CAPS LOCK, expensive buzzards and white blackout confidentials.

The condiment is considering using heat soothing messages and is in consolidations with a cobra and the mastery of defiance.

Foreskin Mints is a work of friction, based on the sunbed going down on the gritty emperor. Quite rickety bridge actually.

Reporter – Barking Mad Murphy