For God’s Sake Woman – RESIGN!

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity...

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity…

You know what Theresa me old flower – take your austerity programme, take your police cuts, your local authority cuts, take your dementia tax, take your benefit sanctions, take your bring back fox hunting proposal, take your strength and stability, take your privatisation plan for the NHS, take your HS2, take your Brexit negotiation, take your ivory trade, take your privatisation plans for our energy, take your DUP chums, take your Saudi arms deals, take your Trump loving chums, take Iain Duncan Smith, take William Rees-Mogg and his multi-million pound government handouts, take the Mail, take the Express, take the Torygraph, take your running in wheat fields, take your “fuck me” shoes and take your necklaces made out of fox testicles and go.


The people have had enough of you.

PS – Don’t forget to feed the cat on your way out.


Jeremy Corbyn Fails To Feed 5,000 Supporters With Five Loaves And Two Fishes

"Who brought salt and vinegar?"

“Who brought salt and vinegar?”

Under siege Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn today was forced to admit that he isn’t actually divine following a failed attempt to feed five thousand supporters in Parliament Square using only five loaves and two fishes.

“I’m a bit disappointed in Jeremy actually,” said Labour voter Tristram Helvellyn. “He promised us a meal, and he sent a tray round with five loaves of Hovis, and two kipper fillets, assuring us that there was enough to go round. There wasn’t. From what I heard afterwards, one bloke whacked the two kippers between two slices of Hovis and scoffed it, and a few others got a slice of dry bread. It’s just not good enough. I think he should resign.”

“This is what you get with the Islington set,” a disgruntled Labour supporter from Sheffield complained. “Delia Smith’s not good enough for these bastard champagne socialists, oh no, they have to go all fucking Nazarene on us. No wonder Labour are in the shit. They’re so fucking out of touch with reality that they’ve allowed that absolute tit, Farage and his apostolic knuckle dragging racist morons to take the initiative. For fuck’s sake – we just want a Labour party to represent the ordinary people, a fair party who fight for what’s right and don’t serve the ruling elite by tolerating tax evasion, and don’t kiss the arses of the banks and the globalist elite. Five loaves and two fishes, I ask you – it’s a fucking joke. Why not play it the SNP way and actually try representing the people? Or is that too much to fucking ask, coming from the mugs who pay these pricks wages?”

In related news – England are still crap at football, although no-one can accuse the current squad of inconsistency – they bottled it. As usual.

Ken Mither


Red Ed Miliband fails bacon sandwich course

He's loving it - we don't think

He’s loving it – we don’t think

Red Ed, as he’s known to his chums and muckers has apparently failed a course dedicated to the preparation and consumption of bacon sandwiches which he enrolled on at the Bacon Butty Institute of Birmingham last month. Apparently Red Ed felt humiliated following his much publicised attempts to successfully consume a bacon sandwich a few months ago and enrolled on the course in an attempt to revive his flagging street-cred.

“Ed regrets ever being involved in that bacon butty stunt,” Toby Wolfe – a tutor at the BBIB – told us. “He looked on it as a career defining moment, and not in a good way.”

There is no doubt that Mr Miliband appeared to struggle negotiating a bacon sandwich, grimacing throughout as he chomped and chomped as if his life depended on it. All of which sort of dented his credibility as leader of a party which purports to represent working people.

“He’s not used to bacon butties,” Wolfe sighed. “He’s a north London toff like all the rest of them, another career politician who doesn’t really have a clue about anything. Unless you include gurning – he’s dead good at that. Anyway, he doesn’t eat bacon butties for breakfast; he eats muesli or something similar. He’s very big on fibre apparently.”

The course which Mr Miliband took encompassed all aspects of bacon butty making, all the way through selection of type of bacon, bread, and cooking procedures, followed up by sauce selection. It doesn’t look so difficult on paper, so how did our aspiring Prime Minister flunk the test?

“Frankly, he was bloody hopeless,” Wolfe sighed. “He wasn’t too bad at grilling the bacon and buttering the bread, but his sauce choices were appalling. He insisted on Hollandaise, and that just doesn’t work at all. He might have stood a chance if he’d gone with the traditional choice of ketchup or brown sauce, and when he tried to eat it – it was a disaster. He had a face on him like a bulldog chewing a pissy nettle, and that’s the kind of face that doesn’t resonate with working people, who tend to devour their bacon butties with relish. You can’t possibly have a British PM who doesn’t appreciate a bacon butty – that would be like having an Italian President who hates pasta.”

The way we see it is that you can’t trust a man who vows to eliminate ‘zero hours’ contracts when his own party is as guilty as all the rest of abusing workers, and you certainly can’t trust a man who merely pretends to enjoy tucking into a bacon sandwich.

So there.

Paddy Berzinski


David Cameron ‘not well’ following haggis binge

PM looking like he's really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

PM looking like he’s really enjoying his haggis in a pic we took with a crap phone

Unreliable sources told us today that PM David Cameron has been taken ill following a day of binge eating on the campaign trail which saw him eat a fried egg, some haggis and a hot dog. (Which he ate with a knife and fork because he’s dead posh.) Our source revealed that Mr Cameron collapsed with stomach cramps at Number Ten whilst watching Thunderbirds on catch-up TV.

Whether or not Samantha flew into a blind panic and called an ambulance has yet to be established.

“She probably did though,” said our political correspondent Jeremy Stubbs. “I mean I would have. It’s a dodgy combination, fried egg, haggis and a hot dog. If I’d scoffed that little lot I’d be stuck on the toilet until at least News at Ten, and I don’t see why the PM should be any different. It isn’t like he’s Superman or something.”

Here at Café Spike we quite like haggis, but we aren’t all that convinced it’s a good idea combining it with fried egg and a hot dog. We reckon Mr Cameron was just pretending to enjoy these food items in an attempt to connect with the man in the street, and that under normal circumstances he wouldn’t touch grub like this with a bargepole.

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

Eating a hot dog with a knife and fork in another pic we took off the telly with a phone

“I don’t trust him either,” said Jeremy Stubbs (who is also an accomplished mind reader.) “As far as I’m concerned he’s a massive flop, and no amount of hot doggery or haggis chomping will convince me otherwise. He’s done nothing but tell lies and witter on about nothing since he moved into Downing Street. He’s just a posh git who wants to give the most vulnerable people in our society a bloody good kicking. Along with his psychopathic mate – Iain Duncan Smith. I don’t wish him any harm but I really do hope he has the screaming shits all night and that his huge forehead collapses in on itself.”

Coming next – a story which might actually have a grain of truth in it.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock with Jeremy Stubbs


Nutty Nigel sinking fast as UKIP support plummets

GE 2015 008Our old friend Nutty Nigel Fromage appears to be having a spot of bother lately as support for UKIP appears to be shrinking fast. Of course, you either love or loathe Nutty Nigel and his band of swivel-eyed loons – it really isn’t all that long ago since the kippers predicted a UKIP landslide and Nutty Nigel as the next Prime Minister, but all that appears to be changing.

In all honesty we aren’t all that fond of Nigel and his mates, and we base this on the fact that his sole argument on any topic remotely political appears to be to blame immigration, which quite frankly is just plain daft to all but the terminally muddle-headed. He blames immigrants for the NHS situation when the reality is that the NHS wouldn’t be able to function without immigrant staff, and he even blames them for traffic congestion on the M4.

(It’s possible his M4 remarks were made in jest, but you can never really tell with Nigel.)

Nige was particularly disappointing on last week’s leaders’ debate, goofing around, pulling faces and not really saying anything constructive. Somehow everything seems to be an effect of immigration, no matter how tenuous the link.

Maybe the great British public have finally wised up to the weasel, and he’s about to go ‘pop.’ As weasels do, at least according to the nursery rhyme. The reality is that Nigel is no peoples’ champion. He’s just another public school educated career politician, a former city commodities broker who’s been drawing a salary from the very organisation he purports to detest.

Now it doesn’t seem so cut and dried that he’ll romp to victory in the Thanet South seat in the general election, although it remains to be seen if he loses whether he’ll actually stand down as UKIP leader. In a way we’ll be sad to see him go because the bloke is pure comedy gold, but one positive outcome of his sinking back into obscurity will be that perhaps all the deluded kippers who stalk the comments sections of the online press, particularly the Mail and the Express will finally pipe down and go back to their Sudoku puzzles.

We don’t have a vote in Thanet South, but if we did we’d probably vote for Al Murray’s FUKP because the pub landlord promises that if FUKP win he’ll reduce the price of a pint to a penny.

Which is about as believable as any of Nutty Nigel’s promises.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Northern England to bid for independence






Liverpool at night.

Liverpool at night.

With the Scottish independence vote now just a matter of hours away it’s all well and good tossing politicians and celebrities into the fray in support of the ‘No’ vote, but many observers on both sides of the border consider it a case of ‘too little too late’ and are left wondering if the ‘better together’ movement truly understand why millions of ordinary people want rid of the Westminster government.


Now we can exclusively reveal that the north of England is all set to follow Scotland’s lead and lobby for independence, although at this point in time the plans are said by campaigners to be in the embryonic stage.


“This isn’t about hating the south,” one campaigner revealed. “It’s about having the power to govern our own decision making processes and carve out our own future. It isn’t about hating the Tories or UKIP either – although admittedly most of us aren’t that keen on either of them. What it’s really about is getting shot of the wasters in Westminster. And if Scotland can do it, we’re prepared to give it our best shot.”

Drug Fuelled Orgies

A straw poll conducted by Café Spike revealed that over 90% of the population above the imaginary north/south divide which runs invisibly from The Wash to the Bristol Channel strongly believe that Westminster based MP’s spend far too much time fiddling expenses, attending drug fuelled orgies, going on Celebrity Big Brother or joining paedophile gangs. “They’re out of touch,” campaigner Bill Dobbs said yesterday. “They certainly aren’t doing what they’re paid to do. They seem to be more interested in dressing up in stockings and suspenders and having their arses whipped by fat prostitutes in underground brothels than they do in creating jobs – unless the jobs they create are for family members. The whole place (Westminster) stinks of corruption, spilt champagne and rubber johnnies. It’s nothing but a den of iniquity and we want out too.”

My Arse

“Better together my arse,” scoffed Liverpool-born campaigner Barry Millet. “They tried to strangle the North under Thatcher, and Cameron’s no better. The clown wanted to tax pies and stuff. How sick is that? We should go it alone like; sever all ties with London. For me the pie or pasty tax was the final straw. Why didn’t they try to tax canapés, eh? Eh? The UK has been systematically screwed for decades because the politicians are all in it for the back-handers dispensed by their banker masters. Did you ever see ‘Boys From The Black Stuff’? Did yer? Eh? Eh? Get rid of ’em I say!”


Opposition to an independent North of England is growing steadily. Mainly in the South. “They can’t declare independence,” Hector Strang-Burleigh who lives in Wimbledon said. “What will happen to the football? My chums and I are all avid Manchester United supporters. A devolved north would be disastrous for us. Still, I expect we could hit back by getting all my insider chums in the city to cook the books and transfer the funds to Chelsea. And what this has to do with the BBC is a complete mystery to me.”

Palace Of Westminster pictured one Sunday

Palace Of Westminster pictured one Sunday

Environmental Concerns

“We’ve got some quite cosmopolitan cities up north,” campaigner Derek Tother told us. “There’s Newcastle, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester, Sheffield, Nottingham, Derby, Birmingham, Coventry, Hull – nah, strike that. Hull’s about as cosmopolitan as Grimsby. Mind you, it does have a whopping great bridge and that can’t be a bad thing. Crucially we’ve also got the infrastructure, with a good road and rail network, international airports and huge industrial capacity. When it comes to natural resources we’ve got gas and loads of coal, although I’m not so sure about opening coal mines again because it would probably raise environmental concerns with the greens.”

Not Wanted

“As far as I’m concerned mate they can all sod off,” London market trader Tommy Trickett said. “We don’t want ’em and we don’t bloody need ’em either. Bloody northern monkeys…all they’re fit for is digging bleedin’ coal up and signing on the dole. Lazy mugs to a man. I hope they do decide to cut loose – save the rest of us hard working proper Englishmen a bloody fortune. Bloody flat caps, ferrets, whippets and all that malarkey; who needs it? And once we’ve got rid of that bloody rabble we can get cracking with the Welsh and all.”


“I wish northern England all the very best in its bid for independence,” Scottish ‘Yes’ campaigner Alec Salmon (No relation) of Inverness commented. “But I agree with Tommy Trickett. We don’t want anything to do with them either. They all talk funny and they have some strange habits.”


“I’d like to reassure the good people of the north who have been mistakenly led to believe that there are certain institutions under threat,” said a leading independence campaigner. “We can offer cast iron guarantees that we will not ban black pudding, dog fighting, badger baiting, curry houses, kebab shops or working mens’ clubs. That would be biting the dog that feeds you.”

More as it comes in.