Blackpool deckchair man refuses to let summer go

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

As most Brits reluctantly accepted that summer is over by donning jackets and coats as the mercury dropped, one man made a gallant if somewhat misguided gesture of defiance by sitting on a deckchair on Blackpool beach, flatly refusing to let summer go.

Stubbornly parked on his deckchair by the North Pier, local man Lenny Austin, known by his friends as ‘Loopy Lenny,’ or ‘Lenny the Loon’ told onlookers that as far as he’s concerned summer isn’t over yet.

Indeed, as the rain spattered steadily and depressingly down, Loopy Lenny tried as best he could to put a brave face on things but even he drew the line when offered an ice cream cornet by a generous passer by.

“Too cold,” he said, politely declining the proffered cornet. Adding: “I know the nights are drawing in and the temperature is dropping, but my wife left me in March, the dog died of distemper in April, I lost my job, my house and had my car repossessed. It’s been a crap year for me all in all, and the decent summer weather was the only good thing going on in my life. I’ll be buggered if I’m letting it go without a fight.”

We get you Lenny.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

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Britain braced for hottest coldest driest wettest winter ever

It'll be one or the other

It’ll be one or the other

Depending on which tabloid you read, Britain is facing the most extreme winter ever. Some like it hot, some seem to prefer having the shivers, some suggest we’re all going to need reinforced umbrellas and others are anticipating a drought. It’s all a touch surreal and it’s thrown Britons into a right two and eight as they struggle to decide which version of the future to believe.

“I’m sort of tending towards it being another really wet winter,” Raymond Downes, a scaffolder from Manchester said. “We might get a bit of snow for a day or two but based on historical research it’s far more likely to be a bit cold, windy, and rainy. That’s how it usually works round here. I won’t be taking any special precautions. I’ve already got a sturdy umbrella which the wife lets me use in emergencies and I’ve just had an MOT on me wellies so I’m sorted.”

“I can’t see it snowing for months on end like it says in the Daily Express,” Javid Iqubal a civil servant from London told us. “Last time it snowed in London it only lasted a couple of days, which doesn’t really justify investing in snow shoes, skis, tyre chains crampons and a big shovel. That would just be a waste of money. If it does snow I’ll just have a lie in, call in to say I’ll be late for work and then show up around lunchtime and blame it on Transport For London. Whatever happens I shan’t be panicking.”

“I’m torn to be honest,” said Tommy Summerville, an unemployed permanently angry man from Diss in Norfolk. “I read the Daily Express online and I’m not quite sure what to believe. On the one hand I could be sunbathing on the beach in Great Yarmouth, on the other hand I might have to build a snow cave to survive a six month blizzard and have to set traps to catch squirrels to eat. That’s if we don’t all get washed away in a massive tsunami, fall down a sinkhole, make contact with hostile aliens, get struck by a previously undetected passing comet in some extinction event or slaughtered in our beds by radical Islamists. I don’t really know what to do.”

“If you ask me, Tommy should stop reading the Daily Express,” Psychiatrist Professor Ken Mist remarked. “If you believed everything you read on that website you’d be too paranoid to dare set foot outside the house.”

Ted Pemberton.

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