Nigel Farage’s Gypsy Grandmother Put A Curse On The England Football Team

This might be her - it might not. Who knows?

This might be her – it might not. Who knows?

This has got to be our weirdest story of the week, but we are assured by a bloke down the pub that it’s all true.

It appears that in 1966 Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother was having an affair with a German potter named Otto; contemporaries say (apparently) that she was thoroughly smitten, and that the feeling was reciprocal.

Otto was a great football fan and a fanatical follower of the German national team, and apparently he freaked out when the Russian linesman awarded a goal for Geoff Hurst’s off the crossbar shot during extra time which was England’s third and Hurst’s second of the day.

Otto went mad, shrieking and wailing until Hurst smashed the decisive fourth goal past Tilkowski for his hat trick, at which point Otto commenced smashing up the gypsy caravan which the couple called home.

In response, Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother laid a curse on the England football team which endures to this day, a curse which she steadfastly refuses to lift – even when approached by a tearful Glen Hoddle.

Not only that – she further cursed England by inflicting young Nigel on us – saying that he’s a bit like Damian out of The Omen and that he’ll destroy England forever.

Of course we can’t swear that it’s true, but it does make for interesting reading if you’ve nothing better to do.

Martin Shuttlecock

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What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski

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FIFA World Cup Is A Fix! – Say Shell-Shocked Brazil Fans

A Brazil Shirt - Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

A Brazil Shirt – Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

Brazilian football fans the world over are finally coming to terms with their team’s 7-1 semi-final World Cup drubbing at the hands of Germany – and to a man they’re screaming “FOUL!” And they appear to lay the blame squarely at the door of shady far Eastern gambling syndicates.

“It’s obviously a fix,” said one irate fan on Copacabana beach yesterday. “Brazil could never be as poor as that unless the players deliberately rolled over and allowed the Germans to win. In boxing and Arjen Robben terms, they took a dive.”

Watching re-runs of the match, the Brazilian fans appear to have a point.

Top class Brazilian stars like Fred and Hulk simply kept their silky skills to themselves and seem to have adopted the tactic of going for a gentle stroll for 90 minutes during World Cup matches, looking slightly bored by the whole event, and then there’s the little matter of star player Neymar suffering a fractured vertebra in a sickening incident at the end of the quarter final.

“I just think Neymar wanted out,” a Rio firefighter told us as he hosed down a burning bus set alight by rampaging fans in a favela. “And to be honest I don’t blame the lad. Had he played in that game his reputation would have been left in tatters. You better stand back a bit. I think the gas tank’s about to blow…”

The mood in Germany was somewhat different, perhaps predictably.

“We slaughtered them because they are a poor team,” Rolf Krauss said as he wolfed down a beer in Munich’s Hofbrauhaus. “We just walked through them like they weren’t there – probably because they weren’t. Their defence was non-existent and technically they had a very poor team with almost zero tactical nous. I think they thought they just had to turn up on time to win the thing, because the referees seem to have bent over backwards to accommodate them. There was no ‘fix’ and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool.”

An undercover Café Spike investigation discovered that the Brazilian players, had they won the tournament would have walked away as national heroes worth countless millions of dollars so that for them to have thrown the game seems highly unlikely.

What do you think?

Send us your views on our Facebook page.

We’ll probably just laugh at you – but that’s life.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike.

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Luis Suarez Promises Not To Bite Any More Italians “Because they Taste Of Pasta”

Eurrrgh! That's horrible.

Eurrrgh! That’s horrible.

Liverpool FC’s Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez responded to his critics today after a World Cup biting incident involving Italian defender Chiellini in a World Cup qualifying game.

“I won’t be biting one of them again,” Suarez told reporters. “It was horrible. He tasted of pasta.”

Suarez, who has inexplicably been accused of biting opponents throughout his career, despite having really big teeth, added:

“When I’ve bitten an Eastern European it’s been quite nice actually. They tend to taste of sausages. I don’t really mind biting the Japanese either because they taste like sushi and I like sushi. Before the game today my wife was idly wondering if Italians tasted like a full blown meat feast pizza.

“But they don’t. They taste of pasta, and that sucks. I’m hoping we get drawn with Mexico at some point so that I can really get my teeth into something hot and spicy.

“Oh, and I’m not racist or anything. I’ll bite anyone for a laugh. Even Patrice Evra.”

More as we get it.

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England Fanatic Feels A Bit Of A Tool After Suarez Sinks Three Lions In World Cup

 

This will Take Some Time Barry

This will Take Some Time Barry

England fan Barry Burns of Leicester admitted this evening that he felt like ‘a bit of a tool’ as England lost their ‘must win’ World Cup tie with Uruguay 2-1. A Wayne Rooney goal made little difference to England’s hopes for survival in the tournament as Suarez scored the winner with an assist from teammate Steven Gerrard.

We Need A Miracle Now!

“We need a miracle now,” Barry said as he started taking the flags and the bunting down outside his modest terraced home in Braunstone. “But I might as well start taking the flags down before people start taking the mickey. When we got knocked out in South Africa the wife and I kept getting woken up by late night drunks hurling abuse and mockery at the house. I feel a right proper tool now.”

Ian Wright

“Personally I think Ian Wright’s forced departure from Rio on account of his family being terrorised by burglars must have had a devastating impact on the squad,” he said. “And Phil Neville’s commentating flair must have been quite depressing too. Anyway, I’ll just watch Adrian Chiles and the panel and get myself into a suitably depressed mood before I finish taking the flags down. I always swear to burn them if we don’t win it, but they’ve cost me a fortune over the years. Shame it only lasted six days, but there’s always something to destroy team spirit. Nothing’s gone right for us in the World Cup for forty-eight years. Perhaps I was foolish to believe this one might be any different.”

Bostik

Barry’s disappointment may perhaps be slightly alleviated by an idea expounded by Professor Arthur Bostik, Café Spike’s resident conspiracy theorist.

Cursed

“England are cursed,” Professor Bostik stated confidently. “They have a grim history. In 1970 Bobby Moore got arrested for theft. In 1990 Gazza started blubbing and upset the team. In 2010 they were cursed by a witch doctor from Dundee. Now there’s the awful incident back home involving TV pundit Ian Wright’s family – that must have sent shockwaves throughout the squad. Inextricably linked of course with an abject failure to cope with Suarez and Balotelli. There’s a dark history at work here.”

Continental Breakfast

“No thanks,” said Barry Burns. “I’ll stick to my usual full English.”

Reporter: Graham Taylor

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England World Cup Defeat Leaves Local Man With Terrible Flatulence

Was That You? Or Was It Me?

Was That You? Or Was It Me?

England’s World Cup defeat at the hands of the Italians did little to raise spirits across the nation, but the consequences for local man, Martin Shuttlecock were somewhat more severe, as he found himself scourged by a terrible bout of flatulence.

“I’m not quite sure how it came about,” Shuttlecock told Café Spike. “It must have been something I ate earlier. When Balotelli scored the winner my nether regions went completely mental. And they’re still at it. It’s like having Mount Etna in my underpants.”

Shuttlecock went on to explain that being Salford born, half Irish and a Manchester United supporter he’s never been overly enthusiastic about the England national team, although he does support them and always wants them to do well.

“Watching England is usually like watching paint dry,” he told our Haz-Mat suited reporter this morning. “They never seem to really give it a go, but to my surprise they were actually quite good last night. Raheem Sterling was outstanding – and me praising a Mickey Mouser isn’t something you’ll often hear. Then Balotelli scored and it all went a bit banana republic in me pants.”

Shuttlecock’s long suffering wife Anne bore the brunt of the sulphuric emissions.

You Can Laugh...

You Can Laugh…

“I thought for a moment there’d been a chemical spill on the road outside,” she said. “But then I looked at him and I could see he was looking a bit sheepish, so I just asked him straight out if he’d let off. He just smirked and at that point I knew it was him. It was so toxic that the wallpaper started peeling off, we lost the satellite signal on the telly and next door’s cat flung itself off their roof. I’ve never smelt anything like it. Even the milk in the fridge went sour.”

“That’s a bit harsh,” Shuttlecock countered. “But she shouldn’t really be blaming me. And the ‘Dutch Oven’ in the night, I can’t accept responsibility for that. I’ll apologise by all means, but I can’t be held responsible for ‘sleep-farting.’ Anyway, I’ve taken advice from a friend who’s told me that watching France in the World Cup will shift the wind. I hope he’s right because to be honest it’s even choking me.”

More when the air freshener kicks in.

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Cafe Spike Dozes Off As Holland Batter Spain 5-1 In World Cup

He Flies Like A Bird In The Sky - And We Missed It.

He Flies Like A Bird In The Sky – And We Missed It.

It’s been an emotional couple of days here at Café Spike, but there aren’t really any valid excuses for our top sports reporter Martin Shuttlecock dozing off as Holland pulverised reigning World Champions Spain in the World Cup.

“I don’t understand how that happened,” said Shuttlecock at Café Spike HQ. “I’d had a difficult couple of days and I suppose it must have caught up with me in the end. My long suffering wife had called me on the phone, and then I must have nodded off. When I woke up I looked at the TV and saw that Holland were beating Spain 5-1. After the whistle blew they replayed the goals. Arjen Robben was outstanding with a brace. As for Robin VanPersie – what a goal. He must have been at least two hundred feet in the air when he headed that ball in. And I missed it. I really am an idiot.”

Shuttlecock’s long suffering wife, Anne had this to say:

“I’m not surprised really. He only ever gets over excited when Manchester United are playing. I don’t think he’s taking the World Cup seriously. I think it’s only because Van Gaal is the United manager and VanPersie is a United player that he feels any sense of guilt at all. Quite frankly he’s an idiot and I have no idea why I married him. Useless he is. In fact his only saving grace is that he doesn’t cheat – like Diego Maradona. Not that that’s saying much.”

“I’ll get me coat,” Shuttlecock said as the interview concluded.

Then he’d forgotten where he left it.

C’est la vie – as they say in Portugal.

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Italy Predicting An Easy Victory Over England In Manaus World Cup Tie

Confident?

Confident?

The entire Italian nation, press and public alike are eagerly anticipating an easy victory in the rumble in the jungle in Manaus tonight.

The mood in England appears to be slightly different, with England supporters seemingly not expecting a great deal, which makes a change.

“It’s the same every time,” said England fan Paddy Berzinski. “We go into it with high expectations and it’s a huge let down in the end. Usually resulting in riots by drunken louts in Trafalgar Square. Quite frankly I’m not even familiar with half of the England squad, so instead of getting all excited I’m just going to take myself off into the spare bedroom and play Candy Crush Saga on my iPad. Then if we win I’ll probably watch the highlights later. I like that Gary Spinnaker. He reminds me a bit of Pip Schofield off This Morning except he had a lethal left foot.”

Meanwhile in Rome Italy, Lazio and Azzuri fanatic Silvia Antipasti was in a buoyant mood.

“The English mean nothing to us. They can’t make coffee to save their lives, they’re clueless when it comes to pizza and they think tomato sauce comes in bottles with 57 printed on them. And when it comes to football, they’re just rubbish. If Pirlo’s on his game I predict a cricket score. The English haven’t performed well in the World Cup Finals since 1970, where they eventually lost to the Germans. For a change. Ha! They’re just tragic.”

Bring It On!

Bring It On!

“That’s fighting talk that is,” England fan Ned Sturgeon remarked as he read the comment from Senor Antipasti earlier today. “I’m proud to be English, me. I’m not rising to these insults. I’ll just watch the match down the pub later and hope we win. If we do I’ll be made up. If we don’t I’ll just go out in a drunken fury and randomly punch somebody in the face. Those Italians think they’re better and cooler than us – until you get one in a headlock and then they start bleating that they want their Mamas.

“It’s not even like they have anything to be proud of. That big football stadium in Rome hasn’t seen a lick of paint in two thousand years. And I know, because I’ve seen it. It’s falling to bits for God’s sake. And don’t even get me started about the war…”

England v Italy kicks off at 11pm BST.

More when we’ve watched the game.

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Let’s Kick FIFA Out Of Football

Pele On A Stamp.

Pele On A Stamp.

As the World Cup opens in Brazil, and FIFA makes plans to further inflate their billion dollar nest egg, true football fans are calling time.

Quite frankly, we’ve had enough. World Cup 2010 did nothing for South Africa, other than promote vuvuzela sales to gullible idiots. It did nothing to promote anything. Other than FIFA lining its pockets again. And now it’s Brazil’s turn.

We all love Brazil – the passion for the beautiful game, the wonderful people, the carnival atmosphere, the incomplete infrastructure, the war on the favelas, the strikes… but it’s Brazil, right? So it must be the best World Cup ever…

Maybe it will be – on the pitch. But FIFA’s corporate sponsors aren’t happy. Allegations of corruption continue to dog the creaking football body, and its increasingly bizarre leader, Sepp Blatter.

Or maybe we should call him Sepp “Oh God I think the Qatar thing might prove to be a bit of a cock up – never mind. I’ll apply for re-election and run FIFA for another four years even though I promised I wouldn’t” Blatter.

Qatar 2022 – countless construction site fatalities, slave labour, allegations of corruption in the awarding of the tournament. 50C heat – impossible to play football. Oh I know – we’ll disrupt the world’s domestic schedules so it’ll only be 35C heat. And we’ll make artificially air conditioned stadia.

So what do you do? We have a solution.

We play this World Cup tournament out – then we kick FIFA out of football. And UEFA. Nobody needs them.

When Football Was Football -Pele

When Football Was Football -Pele

Blatter – looking like an elderly and somewhat demented version of Simon Cowell at his worst and his sycophantic apostle, the insufferable and probably barking mad Michel Platini have to go. Sever all ties and break away from these money grubbing morons who quite frankly would struggle to organise a child’s birthday party for eight kids.

The English, Italian, German, French, Spanish, Portuguese and Russian football federations need to unite and tell FIFA and UEFA to do one.

Sure, it’s a big call, but it’s worth it. FIFA don’t represent the spirit of the beautiful game, nor do UEFA – if anything they tarnish it. The leading European football authorities need to opt out together and form a new governing authority. Then they need to sue FIFA for total and utter ineptitude and mismanagement. Once they’ve done that they can sue UEFA too for conspiracy to turn the game we love into a joke with a terribly anticlimactic punchline.

Once the ball starts rolling, other federations will quickly fall into line. South America, Asia, Africa and just about everybody else because we’re all tired of the farce that is FIFA and UEFA.

At which point we will be able to deliver a World Cup which benefits the host nation and not some strutting peacock-like poseur in Switzerland and his sycophantic cohorts.

It's Supposed To Be About The World - Not A Blatter/Platini Love In.

It’s Supposed To Be About The World – Not A Blatter/Platini Love In.

It’ll still be about corporate sponsorship – but the sponsors will come. It’s the most popular game on earth, the only truly global game.

Café Spike suggests that perhaps the FA of England get that ball rolling. Once it starts the momentum will be unstoppable.

After all – we’re English, and we started it.

Kick FIFA out of football. (And UEFA)

You know it makes sense.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock.

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