Japanese student sucked down creep’s toilet

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The mystery disappearance of a female Japanese student has finally been explained by her landlord, who neighbours and fellow tenants described as a ‘creep.’

19 year old Sukira Yamamoto, a student from Yokohama disappeared last year during a Halloween party at her flat in Worthing and despite an intensive international police investigation there were no obvious conclusions to be drawn for seasoned investigators.

Until now.

Ms Yamamoto’s landlord, Christopher Cummings provided the solution when he expounded the theory that Ms Yamamoto had been sucked down the toilet by “a person or entity hitherto unknown.”

“It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Cummings told investigating officers. “It was an otherwise normal Halloween party, with guests in fancy dress getting drunk and high. Sukira went to the toilet and that was the last we saw of her. The only explanation I can come up with is that someone or something sucked her down the toilet for reasons we may never know.

“What I’m absolutely sure of is that I certainly did not follow her to the bathroom, choke her to death with electrical cord, haul her body back to my flat, keep it in the bathtub until later, perform a series of shockingly depraved sexual acts upon her corpse and then freeze it in a chest freezer in the garage before putting the frozen remains through a wood-chipper in the dead of night. That would just be weird. She definitely got sucked down the bog and that’s all there is to it.”

“To be honest with you we were at a loss as to what fate might have befallen Ms Yamamoto,” Inspector George ‘Nipper’ Crabbe of Sussex Police told us. “But with Mr Cummings’ statement all becomes abundantly clear. She was obviously sucked down the shitter by somebody, so we’ll be having a look down the sewers to see if we can find further clues. We’re grateful to Mr Cummings for his input – even though he is a bit of a weirdo who’s on the sex offenders register. His collection of bloodstained lingerie provided some much needed light relief for investigating officers. As far as we’re concerned it’s case closed.”

Ms Yamamoto became the 19th tenant of Mr Cummings to disappear over the last three years.

“That’s a bit weird,” admitted Inspector Crabbe. “But we’re not reading too much into it at this point.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski


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