Brexit voters ARE old racist xenophobic coffin dodging wankers – you read it here first

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

Let’s just take a moment to consider the motivation of Brexit voters, [Read more…]

Share

What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski

Share

DAILY EXPRESS Plumbs New Depths With TINY HITLER DICK STORY

We don't care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that's all that matters

We don’t care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that’s all that matters

Just when you get to wondering whether the spoof newspaper known as the DAILY EXPRESS could possibly sink any lower than the murkiest depths of utter bollockdom, they do.

Bearing in mind that these guys are supposed to be professional journalists working for a national news outlet, the casual observer could be forgiven for concluding that these morons ought to venture no further into the land of literacy than the weekly shopping listwhich if left to them would probably turn out to be indecipherable anyway.

Having ‘entertained’ the British public for years with its racist comment sections, its weather related scare stories and its absolutely obsessive xenophobic rants designed to scare the living shit out of vulnerable old ladies and insecure old men, the mind boggles as to what pathetic “topical” stunt they’ll exploit next.

Is there life on Mars? Is everything a conspiracy? Can their readership possibly get any more fucking idiotic?

They give us this little topical gem:

“Hitler lacked in trouser department: Evil Nazi dictator had TINY deformed penis” By REBECCA PERRING (Monday Feb 22nd 2016)

This from a rag that bangs the drum for Nigel Farage, who has been sponsored by the DE and who himself could be subjected to similar trouser related ridicule at a pinch. But we won’t go there. We couldn’t possibly stoop that low.

Most reasonable people would readily identify certain parallels between the DE’s hateful rants against Muslims and Christian Europeans in the name of patriotism, the support for a bigoted martinet, the extreme right connection and the rise of Naziism in 30s Germany. That ain’t rocket science.

But a story about Hitler’s dick? He’s been dead for seventy years, so how on earth is that in any way relevant or topical? It’s literally going from the sublime to the ridiculous because Richard Desmond and his sycophantic crew would probably have been equally as far up Hitler’s arse as the Daily Mail was at that time, and it’s the sort of own goal that would win any blooper of the year award.

An extreme right wing news outlet mocking the same kind of right wing extremist that they sponsored in the General election to the tune of a cool million.

If we had our way we’d break all the windows at the DE and haul its staff and readers off to a forced labour camp in Poland, where we’d introduce them to the delights of Zyklon B.

It would be in the national interest. It really would.

Martin Shuttlecock

Share

Daily Express reader not sure about Black Friday

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

It’s that time of year again – Black Friday – when the stores have big sales which involve the punters kicking seven shades of crap out of each other and risking life and limb in order to pick up a cheap flatscreen TV they don’t actually need or a games console that they’ll hardly ever use. That’s if they’re lucky. The unlucky ones get a good hiding, and nothing to show for it other than possibly a festive tin of Quality Street or a damaged advent calendar.

Black Friday is yet another American marketing ploy which we’ve latched onto here, but what does the average patriotic Brit really make of it all? We asked a Daily Express reader, who didn’t seem quite sure what to think.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” Baz admitted. “Nigel hasn’t said anything about it so I simply don’t know what I should be thinking. Is it something to do with the New World Order? Will closing the borders and kicking all the foreigners out sort it? Is it a Muslim thing?”

At which point we informed the DE reader that it’s more of a marketing ploy, a way of trying to get the public to splash out over the festive season.

“So it’s part of the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan then?” the DE reader gasped. “A conspiracy by the lefty cultural Marxists to eradicate the historical indigenous British people in order to Islamify and put concrete and mosques all over Britain?”

We reiterated that Black Friday really doesn’t have anything to do with black people, race issues, religion, or anything really, other than to get people spending.

Get off it!

Get off it!

“I’m not sure,” Baz said as he mulled it over. “But what we should really do is either get out rioting in the streets or give it our full support. I can’t really say until Nigel tells me what to think.”

When our reporter laughed in disbelief Baz threatened to pass our details on to an extreme right wing racist group who would be round to sort us out.

Which was all a bit worrying really – considering Baz was wearing a German WWII helmet, a Nazi armband and sporting two extra large poppies.

Ted Pemberton

Share

Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.

Share